Hej! And a big Arne stylee Christmas greeting to all you crazy FC Berry fans. As you may have seen our Consortium has finally given up with Giggland and moved our attention to the Magic Roundabout in Swindon. FC United Berry seems in, how you say, well hands these days and will not be needing our expert input

Our last move will be to send Dmitri round to FA Headquarters to have a word with that nice Mister Brian Bollock. Oh, and of course we are putting Secret Agent Anders Prest up for Manager at Rochfail. That could be a masterstroke

My mole Woodpecker is sending me his final exclusive team sheet for this Saturday's game against FC Poolswinners

Fetlock
Wedlock
Headlock
Shedlock
Adednigo
Ineligible
Illegible
Unintelligible
Bish
Bosch
Wallop


Casper
Ballsup
Gill
Neville
Scapegoat


For Arne, Abram and Del there are new challenges ahead. For FC United Berry the future is bright. As you crazy fans say, Upwards and Onwards!

Greetings all you crazy FC Berry fans, and a special big Arne stylee hej! to Berryrules from the messageboard. That boy will go far!

Reading through some recent stories on the FC Berry website I am coming across goal machine Matthew Tipton telling us to Lump on at Ladbrokes for him to be FC Berry’s top scorer this season. Now as a self made mega-mogul old Arne knows a sure thing when he sees one. So yesterday I am depositing a tanker load of kroner on our boy at 66/1. Watch those goals pour out of him!!!

I’m noticing that despite last week’s great performance the crowd is being pitifully small. So I’m wondering how this can be improved. And its occurring to me that FC Berry play at the same time as everybody else, which means we have no Unique Selling Point. So Arne is having this brilliant idea! Let’s play our next game on a Sunday afternoon instead of a Saturday. I’m sending my man Lee Burrow into the Manager’s office to have a word with the fellow Kasper

Lee Burrow is telling me that the fantastic performance last Saturday is being due to the brilliant young midfield who the rest of the team are nick-naming The Four Tops. What that’s got to do with this week’s team against FC Peter Burrow, I don’t know

Detroit
Boyes
Levi
Stubbs
Duke
Fakir
Lawrence
Payton
Renaldo
Obi
Benson

Goering
Loco
Downing
Agger
Pilko

Now I’ve heard of Agger and Downing but who is this Pilko? Is it the fellow who graces the FC Berry message board with his wonderful opinions? And another thing, when will some people on the message board begin to accept that reaching the age of puberty does not automatically grant you the Wisdom of Solomon? As you British like to say, Bah humbugger!!

Hej long suffering fans of FC Berry!

My how you say dressing room molar Lee Burrow is still faxing me team news but up until now I have been too depressed to post them. But I am hearing good reports about the match on Tuesday and perhaps things are now looking up for FC Berry

Lee has written “Tossers!” against half of tomorrow’s team against FC Grimsdale. I see Mister Casper is back in goal. If FC Berry have got a goal keeping emergency, why doesn’t he sign a keeper on loan?


Casper
Dee
Friend
Lee
Ghost
Felix
Catt
Rupert
Behr
Basha
Bishop

Hamm
Shank
Scour
Tower
Power

Come on FC Berry players and fans! Get a grip on yourselves and start pulling together!! Put a spurt on!!! Together we can make a splash in this division!!!!

Howdy y'all, darn fine to be back. Germany was a blast, yes sirree, all those fine ladies in lederhosen, fair got muh blood a boilin'!

But enough of this hog rasslin', down tuh business. Dmitri has been sent to Poland to infiltrate a number of pesky organisations we believe to be in need of some serious PR and staff training. He reports that operation "TonyD" is proceeding well. Our chief misinformation man has also worked well at Gigg Lane, we managed to draw a "Vail" over anti-team chanting in the stands. Hot damn, we can't allow that kinda nonsense to go on.

Anna has also been despatched to a secret location. We believe - and Jimmy backs this up - that she does all her best work when going Down Under. Hot mamma!

Abram and I met with some other serious money men at the World Cup and we are just days away from announcing a "high profile world class" manager who we believe will be perfect for the Gigg Lane hotseat when we take over. It fair boils muh blood to say we can't reveal more right now, but this pesky varmint has more bite about him than a nest of rattlers!

Top of our immediate agenda will be to sort out that PA system they have in place. Abram was at Gigg with some Sunderland folks and he reported that none of them could hear the team announcement and didn't even know who was playing! Tan muh hide, that's a darn shoddy state of affairs. Dmitri was sent to talk to some national press reporters to try and proliferate the media with details of the state of the ground - Abram told me he wouldn't even shackle one of his rams for fear it might disappear!

Have no fear, the Consortium are on the case! Holla if ya hear me.

Ta daaaa! We're back! How exciting is this? The Consortium have been having some real jollies in Germany; we all met up for the World Cup, which was sooo exciting, and us girlies all got together to form the Consortium Consorts, Underlings, Partners and Sweethearts (C-CUPS). There was me; Wim's wife, the lovely Eejsta Bonus and her two year old daughter Chreejstmas; Rusty and Heepa Uldiron; and the very very beautiful Irina Romanovich.

Anyway, tee hee, the C-CUPS invaded many German hotspots where we were sooo popular because of our ties to our rich friends and our enormous collection of balloons! We even bumped into Victoria and Cheryl.

Since we got back to England, things have been just moving so fast; my Daddy always said that the best plans should be laid out over the summer, and he was right. Mind you, he also said that if all the girls attending a summer ball were laid end to end he wouldn't be at all surprised (but I don't understand that, what does that mean?). Anyway, tee hee, our plans are coming together nicely! Del and Abram have been calling in favours from their associates and it looks like, finally, we'll be able to make some serious bids and put in motion our big plans this year!

Wim and William have been working hard with a secret squad of recruits, and they'll be able to tell you more about how that's all going. And of course Arne, our curious little Norwegian colleague, is busy being Arne. He'll no doubt be along soon too.

Keep an eye on this space, the Consortium is back! Tee hee! Waaaay and I'm done!

I am hearing stories that instead of losing matches, FC Berry are now busy losing fans. I didn't think they had that many to start with

Lee Burrow is sending me this team sheet for Saturdays game against FC Grimm Brothers. He says Kris Kasper is hoping for a fairy tale result

Kasper
Biggs
Tropp
Boards
Hutt
Down
Friday
Back
Sabbath
Laffin
Stock

Faithful
Fanz
Barrick
Berry
Boss

Like, gosh! Weeeeeee! Back today from a super tour of Europe promoting my new calendar, and I walked back into a really big crisis! There are two messages on my desk marked "URGENT - PRESS RELEASE". I haven't been able to, like, find a button marked RELEASE so instead I'm copying them out here! Hee hee!

Consortium Press release March 13th - 11.14am

The Consortium has decided to close this website with immediate effect, following slurs against the manager-in-waiting William Christopher. An unnamed source has emailed the Consortium suggesting that Mr Christopher does not have the respect of the players earmarked by the Consortium and so he has thrown his toys out of the pram and pulled the plug (our Blogger hosting partners actually pulled the plug). We regret that following a heated debate among all members of the Consortium, there was a unanimous vote of 4-3 to close the site down immediately.

It should be noted that the Stetson wearing Mr Starbuck was fully behind keeping the site open.



Consortium Press release March 13th - 2.44pm

The Consortium is delighted to announce that the Consortium website has been reopened with immediate effect. Following an extraordinary general meeting, in which no members were physically able to attend (although everyone did send a proxy with a thick sheaf of notes), the Stetson wearing Mr Starbuck has hauled ranks and put the metaphorical plug back in. The actual plug was put back in by our Blogger hosting partners.

We would like to stress that at this time, any dissension among the Consortium supporters may result in further action, which may or may not include the creation of new pseudonyms to randomly abuse you with.

I’m still trying to find out how FC Berry performed on Tuesday night against FC Stop Pork. These days Lee Burrow isn’t much good at telling me about previous games but at least he is still sending me team sheets, such as this one for tomorrow’s trip to FC Rex Ham, which apparently is named in honour of your great English actor Sir Rex Harrison, and in particular his performance in My Fair Lady (1964 Dir. George Cukor)

Dane
Brill
Butt
Berry
Nott
Goode
Barry
Murphy
White
Fanz
Carp

Luke
Sharpe
Casper
Orr
Berrydown

Hey there folks, just back from a grand ole vacation down at the grand ole opry with Prince Andrew, the GODOY. Now if thuh's one thing that gets muh gander up more thun a rattler in muh woodpile, it's the sight of an inappropriate choice of headgear. Muh colleagues Wim and Anna have bin sending messages about thuh Mills fella and his wearin' of a stetson.

Now those that know Del, know muh main motto in life with regard to the wearin' of the stetson is as follows:

Texan - stetson
Non-Texan - that's vexin'

This fellow Lee Burrow is an oddball, and no mistake. He sent Arne a completely different team sheet to the one I received, which was entitled "This Bury line-up is smokin' hot".

Sweeten
Sower
Sorss
BBM
BBQ
Taco
Bell
Haller
Peno
Chili
Dipp

Subs:
Flayme
Grylle
Woppa
Eggstra
Mayo

What does it all mean? Holla if ya hear muh!

I am just hearing that FC Berry played a big game against Derby on Tuesday night. I am asking Lee Burrow how we got on, but he is not saying. Instead he is telling me this team for the game tomorrow at home against FC Max. Apparently the weather forecast is for sub zero temperatures. Lee Burrow says that confidence is good and that our new strike pairing are red hot

Dane
Starr
Butt
Daley
Diver
Thomas
Youngs
Dunne
Goode
Feccan
Freisian

Berry
Bench
Needes
Long
Johns

Our Consortium is hearing that some individual is making life difficult for our FC Berry pal Mister Millsbomb. So far Dmitri hasn’t been able to discern the identity of this fellow but rest assured he shall be incurring our roth before long

Lee Burrow is sending me this team for tomorrow’s game against FC Shrose Berry. He says all of the subs were featured in last Sunday’s paper

Petersson
Alansson
Barry-Murphy
Barry-White
Barry-Pier
Barry-Island
Barry-Cryer
Barry-Townby
Steely-Dan
Barry-Roth
Proxy

Cake
Spigot
Flatiron
Mates
Godson

Dmitri is spending some time in your town this week. He is telling me whilst staying in a hotel he is meeting some Scottish fellow who is badmouthing FC Berry. I don’t suppose we’ll be hearing from Mister Jock Palindrome again

Who is this Oystershaker fellow who has become a self-appointed commentator on our Consortium? I think maybe he should understand that Dmitri has an occasional second career as a Wedding Planner. His particular speciality is to turn up unannounced and make things happen that take the happy couple by surprise, and the guests, and the venue management for that matter

Lee Burrow is sending me this team sheet for tomorrow’s game which is apparently against a team from South Belfast called FC Barnetts Park

Bigg
Bro
Winner
Chantelle
Preston
Guild
Lily
Pink
Gorman
McGough
McGear


Anyinsah
Anyoutsah
Anymoresah
Anyleftsah
Anythingfortheweekendsah

We are having a bit of a security lapse last week when that scary fellow they call Joe Ninety is catching Lee Burrow faxing me the team sheet. We have been sending Dmitri round to advise him as regards a career move

Lee started telling me some convoluted story about problems with the pitch drainage, but I am, how you say, losing the patients and telling him to give me the message in a nutcase when he gives me the team for tomorrow night’s game in the Turkish Riveria. He hasn’t done it, but just sent me the names. Maybe he’ll tell me next week

Here’s the team. I like the sound of this fellow Fiasco in defence

Team against FC Hellsbells

Cheetham
Hill
Hess
Ian
Fiasco
Michael
Curtis
Fields
Flood
Knight
DeFries

Mills
Try
Biggs
Steel
Pearson

Lee Burrow is telling me things about the boy Casper that really make me wonder if he has, how you say, lost the plotter. First, he has apparently written to all members of the 110 club and asked them to donate money to the Church of England. Come on FC Berry, this is madness. Hasn’t God got enough money? Instead of hedging your bets for the afterlife how about getting the fans to donate money towards the development of Berry’s youngsters? Like starting some kind of a training centre for local talent? How difficult can that be?

And if that was not crazy enough I am learning that Casper is intending to put himself in goal! I suppose he is working on the principle that he can’t be any worse than that last buffoon, the man with the Teflon gloves. Surely there must be some young goalkeeper from a local Premiership club who could join FC Berry on loan. Does nobody think of these things? Really, the sooner our Consortium takes over, the better!!

Lee Burrow is sending me this teamsheet for the game on Saturday against Rovers Bristle. He says there is no news yet on this palindrome fellow he mentioned last week. But he says the 2 strikers are Men in the Know

CC
Palin
Drome
Deed
Navan
Otto
Kyryk
Poop
Hannah
Damien
Dad

Faithfull
Fitt
Tryer
Lee
Unsworth

Arne my Norvegian friend! You are in the Costa Sol and not calling round to my yacht in Puerto Banus? Last time I checked down below the twins are still here and would be pleased to give you the service!

Sorry but I think Dmitri is cause of Rob O not being around in his Berry bar. As you know, Dmitri has big thing over kneecaps and this man is always walking round with shorts...

My absence is due to investigation into my gas pipelines. I have diverted the gas from former Soviet territories to make money in EU with high prices but was found out when another man in shorts digs hole in Gigg Lane pitch to expose my pipes! Mr Mills, I have shown Dmitri your picture...

On player front. We had private party for George Galloway in Monaco last night and hired David Bowie to entertain us. He was dressed as Alladin Sane from my favourite album. George said he was dead spit for Rula Lenska! Dmitri persuaded him to write new words to "Starman" for Berry new signing and here it is!


JARMAN

Didn’t know what day it was the ball came low oh oh
I leaned back and I flexed my toe oh oh
Left back was givin' me some ball control, "Score a goal", he said.
Then the loud crowd did seem to fay ay ade
Came back like a slow voice on a wave of phay ay ase
That weren’t no miskick that was a hazy cosmic goal

There’s a Jarman we would like to buy
He’d like to come and play for us
But the money we can't find.
There’s a Jarman we would like to buy,
He's told us not to save up
Cause he knows it’s not worthwhile
He told me:
The Club would only lose it
They not allowed to use it
Let's do the Bas Savage boogie!

I am in Malaga last weekend looking at a team in which I have a small interest. Obviously I can’t reveal the name of my team, suffice it to say that Celta Vigo made it look easy. Bluddy rubbish unnamed team! Tapia OUT!!!!

Later in the weekend I am looking at potential property development in the bustling resort of Arroyo de Miel, when I come across a busy little bar called the Anytime. This turns out to be a pleasant oasis from the usual Little Britain mentality with a multi cultural clientele and a young friendly Scandinavian staff. But my interest is immediately raised by the realisation that this place is a shrine to FC Berry, the little team that has so captured my heart. Pride of place goes to a shirt, framed and mounted on the wall, which apparently was once worn by a FC Berry legend called Theboy Forrest. There is no sign of the owner but my enquiries reveal that he is a shadowy figure known as “The Boss” or sometimes referred to as “Rob O” I am sending Dmitri over next month to make a few background enquiries, if you get my meanings

My mole Lee Burrow is giving me this team for Saturdays game against FC Cobblers. I am hearing that young Gasper is interested in signing an exciting player called Pallindrum. More news next week hopefully

Flapper
Trapper
Yorkie
Barr
Yogi
Behr
Bubu
Gelly
Stone
Park
Pikanik

Wellcome
Nathan
Jarman
Young
Tyke

My Consortium colleague Abram Romanovic is a resourceful fellow. Years ago when he was just a young, how you say, up-and-going mogul he signed a deal with the Kremlin to buy the sack-cloth mailbags produced by prisoners in the Gulags. In return for paying these insurgent lowlife a rouble a day and all the weevil infested black bread they could eat, he formed a company to export their wares around the world for a variety of uses

My suspicions are being raised last week when I am hearing about the drainage problems at Giggland. We are sending Dmitri in overnight with a shovel to dig for evidence, and sure enough, there is the Hessian cloth clearly marked with the logo of Abram Romanovic Surplus Export. What are the chances being of that, we are laughing to ourselves!

Lee Burrow is sending me the team sheet for tomorrows team against FC Bus Town. He said one of the subs is a real nutter

Newman
Oldham
Hayter
Rand
Terry
Hicks
New
Handel
Bingo
Bango
Bongo

Robert
Carlyle
Hamish
Macbeth
Begbie

Well darn it all! I'm just back from a l'il vacation with my sweet Marie down in Amarillo (bless huh, she always waits for me) and she was telling me about a l'il situayyyyshun that's arisen down there. Apparently there's been a dispute between a local strip bar and a prominent public resident, Jonias Newbsome. The latter's a keen public servant, but it transpires that in recent times old Jonias has bin stealin' away from office to visit this here place for what appears to be more than just viewin' the shows!

Marie tells me that Jonias has "scored" 4 times in just 7 visits down there since the start of 2005, which seems a damn high ratio to me, even if someone of his reputation and manliness may well have figured in scorin' a whole helluva lot more than that!

Anyhoo, to cut a story short, such has bin the outrage that this aforementioned club has been shut down and the proprietors banned from ever hostin' again. Marie also tells me a funny thing's happened though. A new bar has been opened in the main town, which purports to cater for all types. There's high stakes gamin' for the local rich gals, there's a salsa and rhythm band to keep thuh folks entertained and the insiders also believe thuh to be a back room area where the old shady dealin' can continue.

So next time yer down Amarillo way, check out this BiongoBangoBongo place - like the original it's clearly cheap and nasty, and full of heretical folks. Yes sirree bob, ain't that the truth!

I am still thinking up the smart new ideas for FC Berry to raise some cash. I hear that both of my ideas from last week have been taken up already! I have the new initiative which the club would do well to take up. It’s simple, yet brilliant, and it goes like this…….

Form an elite club of supporters. Limit it to a round number, say a hundred, then sneak in a few more when nobody's looking. Hold a meeting, give them all a free sausage roll and a pint, then ask them for regular money. Come on FC Berry, it doesn’t take a genius to come up with stuff like this!

Lee Burrow is sending me the team names for Saturday’s game at Giggland which apparently is against FC Turkey Twizzlers. What has happened to Mr Short who has been goalkeeper for the last few weeks?

Lee says young Mister Casper is, how you say, welding the big rod. He should take Arne’s advice and wear leather gauntlets, overalls and a big mask

Biggar
Dedmen
Walken
Charles
Kennedy
Gordon
Chisholm
Graham
Souness
Michael
McCarthy


Last
Chance
Forssom
Senior
Player

Hot DAMN! Anna has sent us her Calendar for 2006, which is to be released in the near future. She's hotter than a grizzly chasin' a pesky varmint down a panhandle road, yes sirree! It should be illegal but thank heavens to betsy it ain't.

Arne ol' son, you got Del here thinkin'. Carly Simon huh? Well along similar lines, it's a li'l known fact that her compatriot Carole King lives in a ranch not far from the ole Starbuck property. She has recently opened a Spanish diner in town too. Damn fine. So anytime you're headin' down Texas way, why not stop in at Carole King's Tapas Tree grillhouse. Yes sirree bob!

Happy New Year to all FC Berry fans!

I am having the think over Christmas as to how FC Berry can make some extra cash. I’ve come up with 2 very good ideas

Firstly, the pitch is only used once a fortnight. Why not rent it out to some local community team! There must be some bunch of subterranean league suckers who’ll pay big money to play pub football at Giggland. Get your marketing people on the casings Mister Millsy!

And secondly, sell that boy Walesby to a higher league club. If anybody offers more than a hundred grand, bite their handles off, as you crazy Brits like to say. That should keep the fans quiet for a while

Lee Burrow is sending me this team sheet for the big match on Saturday against FC Carly Simon, who apparently now lives near Scotland. I used to like her. Didn’t she marry someone famous? And what was her big hit, you know the one where she’s having a dig at one of the early 70s Laurel Canyon mob??

Short
Graham
Nash
Carroll
King
Jackson
Brown
James
Taylor
Carr
Lee

Simon
Urso
Veyne
Warren
Beattie

I am making the most fantastic discovery about FC Berry this week. Apparently the big man who owns the ground has appointed himself as Assistant Manager so he can keep an eye on team affairs. How brilliant is that? I mean, I thought I was smart with my moles, Woodpecker in the squad and Thatcher in the boardroom, but to put yourself into the dugout, that is awesome! Respect to the man they call IM!

Talking of Woodpecker he is telling me this week that since the Millsyman has moved in, he wants me to change his codename because he is worried about a securocrat outing. I am thinking this is maybe the team’s Christmas jolly to Blackpool, but apparently it is something altogether more sinister. Anyway, from now on I will be calling him by an innocuous, typical Lower Division footballer’s name. I’ve decided to call him Lee Burrow

By the way, what ever happened to the young Italian-Irish fellow Paolo Shaughnessy who played for FC Berry when our Consortium first embarked on our long journey to take over the club? I’m sure he will be a big hit wherever he goes

Lee is sending me this team sheet for Boxing Day’s game against FC Grimupnorth. He’s written at the bottom this strange message; “Carol, can you smell fish?”

Little
Towner
Bethlehem
Swanson
Royle
Davids
Sittee
Decker
Hallsworth
Bowser
Holly


Falalalala
Lua-Lua
Merrey
Christmas
Allbury-Ffoulkes

The average age for media managers in the Consortium is, like, 19. Nnnnnn nineteen. How brilliant is that? Wheeeeeeeeeeeey.

Sorry for the lack of messages lately, but you know how busy we girlies are! There's also been a bit of a problem with the media centre, which crashed unexpectedly. Normally I have no problem when things go down for days but on this occasion it was very vexing. I phoned daddy to complain, but even he couldn't help. I've been helping Abram and Dmitri with their media image, we've been out buying lovely new winter gear for the Consortium Christmas photoshoot (they're wearing traditional Russian gear under their fur coats, I'm wearing ... well, you'll just have to wait and see!).

Arne has sent me a lovely picture of a Norwegian moose with the words "Maybe this is reminding you of your fans in Grimeland, no?". Tee hee, he is such a funny man!

My cunning plan for my new boardroom mole Thatcher is going well. I decided to mis-spell her title, and thus her email address. This means that no-one will be able to contact her with trivial fan business and divert her from her real task. Is brilliant, yes?

Along with my Consortium colleagues Del and Abram, I am pleased that oil shares have greatly increased in price, since that mysterious refinery fire last week. I believe Dmitri is getting a bigger than normal Xmas bonus this year

Talking about being on fire, I am expecting the big things this Saturday at home against FC Wickerman after last week’s impressive away win. Woodpecker says this week’s team like a laugh, and have reason to celebrate. And he said the subs have some fancy footwork between them

Little
Britton
Ashley
Jensen
Christopher
Langham
Paulo
Grady
Comedia
Ward
Winner


Jackson
Gough
Ball
Victor
Darren

I’m am becoming intrigued by this boy Gasper who is in charge of FC Berry, and am wondering if he is the right sort of fellow to be Manager when our Consortium finally takes over the club. So I am hatching this cunning plan, which is to send in one of my top UK agents on a fact-finding mission. The clever bit is that I am planning to send my man in the guise of an up and coming journalist, doing a piece for some obscure lifestyle magazine. You know the sort of thing “Have you heard any good pictures lately” or “What is David Beckham really like?” or “Lloyd Cole knew my father” interspersed with a few leading questions

But blow me down vicar, no sooner am I thinking this plan up, when I am hearing that someone has already done it! Well, what are the chances being of that?

So instead I am reverting to Plan B which is put one of our top lady agents into the FC Berry corridors of power. Obviously I can’t reveal her real name, to risk , how you say, blowing off under her covers. But I expect regular reports from my new mole, who I shall call Thatcher

Woodpecker is sending me the team for Saturdays game in the Orient. He says young Gaspers squad mean big business

Tiny
Rowland
Richard
Branson
James
Goldsmith
Rupert
Murdoch
John
Harvey
Jones

Kerry
Packer
William
Randolph
Hearst

I am hearing from my eye-spy man Woodpecker that Mister Gaspers is still having trouble getting a number two. We are having stuff here in Norway that can solve that problem. I shall send a bottle over shortly

On a similar note what is taking him so long appointing an assistant I am wondering. There must be fellows coming free every week as the crazy English League managerial merrygoround continues. What about the fellow Colin Henders who is being dismissed recently at FC Blackpools? We must be able to get him surely. I’m sure he’s every bit as good as the next man. Step on it FC Berry!!

Woodpecker is sending me the team line-up against FC Barnet Haircuts. He said young Gasper is taking a modern novel approach this week. He also said the, how you say, dug up where the substitutes sit is becoming a bit of a crowded house


Welshman
Scott
Fitzgerald
Grayte
Gatsby
John
Steinbeck
Kannery
Rowe
Mark
Twayne

Huckleberry
Finn
Brothers
Timon
Neill

Hej all you crazy FC Berry fans!

I am trying to read some of the stuff on the FC Berry message board, but I am in despair. You know that with me coming from Norway my English is, how you say, not the biggest, but really, what is that all about? My advice to the posters in question would be to purchase a Dictionary, available from all good booqueshops. That way you won’t come across as being as thique as 2 short planques

You’ve probably wondered what is happening to our Consortium colleague Abram, who is being unusually quiet recently. The last I heard he is in quarantine in his yacht after Irina’s talking parrot has developed Bird Flu

Woodpecker is faxing me the team for Saturday's match against FC Chelt and Hams. He has written “Spud’s back” at the top of the list, whatever that’s supposed to mean


Short
Order
Cook
King
Edwards
Jersey
Royle
Murphy
Grattan
Duchesse
Jackett


Kleek
Leader
Woolley
Hatton
Mittens

Sure! Anna is telling me that our email box has been overflowing with messages recently. Someone has contacted Wim! Anna says that a Mr Wooly Mittons wants to know how I started to devise my tactical plans. So hej folks, let me tell you a little story.

A long time ago, before even the Consortium was created, I was the coach at a junior college team in my home town of Knee, a tiny village on the polders. We were not too good, kind of like a Rochdale of the college divisions, yes? Never too good, never too bad, going nowhere. So I began to spend many a long hour reading the works of the great masterminds like Rommel, the Chinese Dim Sum and the greatest of them all, Magnus Magnusson. Oh sure, you may think that Magnus is only a minor TV celebrity but let me tell you, when he starts something, he finishes it too. Sure! And Wim is all about the finishing.

So after many weeks learning the craft - I think during this time I also started to shmoke, but my memory of that is a little bit hazy - I went to the head coach, a great man named Metgod, and told him that the key to victory over any opposition was quite simple. In fact it could all be summed up in one word. Knowledge. Information. Data.

And that, Mr Mittons, was when I devised my first tactical masterplan! It was called the Wim Bonus Certain Level of Inspired Control through Knowledge. It was a sure fire winner, hej! You may have heard of it in fact, I have been told that its name is being, how you say, band-aided about now in certain circles!

It was named in honour of my home town. Perhaps you will be able to keep an ear to the ground for it, yes? It's name? Ah yes ...

Knee CLICK.

Thanks to my how you say “mole in the hole” here is an exclusive peek at tonight’s team against FC Jayne Mansfield. She was one of my favourite actresses, a big girl in her day, although they say she lost her head towards the end

Woodpecker tells me things are looking a bit bleak in the FC Berry house. He also said the midfield quartet will be laying down the law, but the front 2 aren’t expecting a result anytime soon. And he said that the subs bench is starting to look more secure

Smallweed
Snagsby
Jellyby
Skimpole
Krook
Clamb
Kenge
Tulkinghorn
Guppy
J Arndyce
V J Arndyce


Dedlock
Wedlock
Shedlock
Fivelever
Mortice

I am hearing that although young Mr Gasper’s teams are playing the attractive passing football, they are a bit how you say soft in the central. I am remembering some of the hardman players who have graced the English football teams in the past. People like Ron “Hatchet” Harris, and Rory “Billy” Bremner and of course the great Vinnie “Lost stockings and barrels” Jones. Now I am thinking that FC Berry would benefit from having one, or better still 2 hardman players who would beef things up on the field and in the dressing room. So listen up FC Berry fans, Arne has had the most brilliant idea! We should sign those 2 brothers from the BBC show Easting Enders which is being very popular here in Norway, you know, Phil and Bruv Mitchell! They would make the rest of the hardmen in our division look like girls!!

Woodpecker tells me this week’s team has a backward look to it

Short
Storey
Long
Cutter
Balletto
Spandau
Tickband
Roman
New
Boyes
Kemp

Bound
Mussell
Barricades
Tudor
Gold

We have put our Consortium colleague Jimmy Fazakerly (or is it Fazzakerly? I’m never sure, neither is he for that matter) on the inside of this exciting new regime at FC Berry. Jimmy is a world class fitness coach, even if he says so himself. Naturally he is working under how you say, the presumed name

Once again my man on the insides, Woody Woodpecker is giving me a sneak preview of Mr Gasper’s team for tomorrows game against FC Not Counting. He says this week’s team all have a roving brief

Cushie
Holliday
Jobs
Craig
Doyle
Flicker
Snicker
Allen
Whicker
Michael
Palin

Nicholas
Knowles
Simon
Calders
Moulton

Arne, yer li'l Norwegian rascal, I've just bin sorting out an amalgamation of two of my franchises here in Texas. A mini-consortium if you will. I've joined my up and comin' Galveston Banderos with the mighty San Antonio Spurs to form the San Antonio Banderos.

Perhaps those l'il minor league outfits you deal with could do the same - FC Berry and FC Halle Facts would make a damn fine FC Halle Berry. Now that would be an eyeful like a varmint in a voletrap and no mistake. Holla if ya hear me!

Arne is not so happy this week. I am hearing from my local literary agent that a couple of fellows on the FC Berry message boards are casting the apersives on our Consortium, and in particular on the exclusive team information that I am providing each week. My man tells me one of these 2 fellows is called something like Terry Hick, and his friend who agrees with him all the time is called Older Matey. However Arne is not going to lose the sleeps over this. My informant tells me they are probably the same person, which explains why they appear to be sharing one brain cell between them

I am hearing good things about the boy Gaspers. Perhaps it is time FC Berry give him the job for the full time, eh?

I am also hearing from my dressing room badger that FC Berry are playing in a Mickey Mouse competition against some non-league club on Tuesday night. Well I can give young Gaspers some advice here; don’t risk any first team players in this Disney competition! Play reserve and youth team players; give some of the youth players a squad number if you have to. I am fully confident that FC Berry’s second string players will be able to beat the likes of FC Halle Facts without, as you say, damaging sweat

Woodpecker is giving me exclusive details of tomorrow’s team against Manchester City. He said that Mr Gaspers has brought in some new players, but the whole team are a bunch of sweeties

Midget
Jemm
Murray
Myntte
Penney
Chew
Black
Jack
Flicker
Snicker
Smartie

Wein
Gumm
Sher
Burt
Fountain

Surrre! Wim is thinking all this crazy talk about integrated systems is reminding him of the how you say, shmokin tactical system I developed straight out of the Dutch National Tactical Academy way back in the summer of 69. It was my first real system, bought by PSV for five guilders and a dime!

I recall it well, even though much of my memory is addled by all this hash haze here in shmoky van Hooijdonk arcade in Amshterdam's redlight district - it is all hazy fantazy as I think my good friend Jimmy would say. I called it the Wim Bonus Attacking Striking System utilising Wingers for Prime Effectiveness (or Wim Bonus, ASSWIPE for short). I'm telling you, no-one could manage that integrated system though, it was like a pig in a pancake, and I think the PSV board even banned the use of ASSWIPE after a short time!

On that note, my friends, I must go - it is my sister Eejsta's birthday and I need to pick her up a little something. Surre!

Keep it real and live it large! Arne, you tell the truth my man. Speaking of integrated systems, I was reading yesterday that BT have developed an MP3 player that fits inside a silicon breast implant. Apparently it will be made available in the next 15 years.

That's nothing. My enhanced cycle shorts not only host a wide set of tools, I've bin known to tuck ma hiphop jive beatbox down there, willy nilly! Of course, some gaffers have said it gets in the way of sliding tackles, and impairs my passing ability, but I'll tell you what, I've made a good few passes at the ladies round here with a little James Brown beating out from my box, oh yes!

Mind you, it didn't seem to work as well when I turned on a bit of Puff Daddy. Schizzlemanizzle!

Hej all you crazy fans of FC Berry!

Our man Roberto is having to, as you say, pull off from the FC Berry Management race as he has gone down with catarrh. But not to worry, I am beginning to think this young fellow Casperwicz is, how you say, made of the right material. Which part of Poland is he from, I am wondering?

I am hearing he has introduced a fitness coach, something that might have helped during Mister Barrowsby’s reign. But I am thinking that FC Berry needs an more integrated approach to these new systems and I am getting Woodpecker to suggest that the boy Casperwicz appoints an Integrated Systems Manager. I shall, how you say, be keeping the eyeball out for a suitable candidate for this prestigious position. Knowing my luck, he’ll probably have just accepted a similar position somewhere else!!

As ever, as a public service to you loyal FC Berry fans I am getting my man Woodpecker to give me a sneak preview of the team for tomorrows game against FC Darlings Town

Blocker
Shocker
Davey
Jones
Locker
Daley
Whaley
Bailey
Bridges
Cross
Rivers

More
Mellany
Warbell
Brand
Newquay

Anna is telling me that the inside poop at Giggland is that our man Roberto will be “about or thereabout” as you groovy English people say. He and our tactician Wim Bonus will be the dream team for FC Berry, or my name is not Arne Lori Fulle Uldiron

Woodpecker is telling me this team for tomorrow night’s game at FC Diamond Rush Town. I have heard of the Gold Rush, but this is a new one on me. He said something about Mr Gaspers getting an ‘ed ache, trying to pick an original man sized team

Welsh
Legend
Mann
Michael
Jones
Clive
John
Derrick
Leonard
Terry
Williams

Mellany
Oldie
Goodby
Newby
Tuesday

Like, oh my goddd! I've been posted out to Lancaster, which is up North, like Norway. Dmitri has been helping me settle in up here, he's like soooo friendly, although he did take a couple of young lads who were looking at me funny in the bar for a long walk round by the duckpond. Come to think of it, I haven't seen them since.

While we await news of Wim's managerial appointment (apparently he is on a short list, which is quite funny because he is only 1.6 metres tall!), we're looking for press cuttings and news about the Consortium so I can compile a colour coded dossier for us!

Why not drop us a line and let me know what you think of the Consortium!
theconsortium@hotmail.co.uk

Tee hee! Thank you also to lots of lovely people who have been sending in Jaffa cakes for me!

Weeeey and I'm done!

Woodpecker is telling me about big things happening at Giggland this week, with the departure of Mister Barrowsby, and the temporary promotion of this young Gasping fellow

But more interestingly our Consortium are spotting the story about this boy Parrish, and are appalled to see he is a Bolton supporter. Dmitri is, how you say, heat-footing straight to Giggland where he is having a word in this boy’s right ear. Dmitri is planting a picture of the offending ear in the local newspaper, as a warning to any other FC Berry players who do not support their own team

Dmitri is also at the game on Tuesday night keeping close to this other fellow from Bolton, Peter Farlow and has sat beside him in the stand to, how you say, put the frightenings on him. I expect him to withdraw his ill-advised application before long. My Consortium colleague Pete Zaparla has identified our preferred managerial candidate and Dmitri has hand-delivered our man’s application. Obviously Arne is not one to name any names at this stage, except to say Forza FC Berry!

Woodpecker tells me that the boy Gasping has his own ideas about team formation and selection. Apparently this is the squad for Saturday’s game against FC Lincombe

Boyo
Parrish
Preest
Woody
Guthrie
Hardy
Annual
Cannon
Ball
Littlan
Large


Sedge
Wedge
Meetantu
Veg
Pudding

Hot damn! I've been sent two emails this morning which have got me all fired up! The first is the type of imbecilic outburst that typifies the way our Consortium is perceived!

Dear "Mr Starbuck", It has come to our attention that this Consortium which you purport to represent is in no way a geniune reality, and we have prima facie evidence that you are in fact the figment of someone's imagination. You appear merely to be a bunch of (admittedly well thought out) national stereotypes and caricatures of well-known footballing names. We challenge you to prove us otherwise!

Yours dubiously, Mr S Shagger, Swansea and Mr Linnacre, Broadcasting House.

Lemme tell you folks something, old Del here is runnin' hotter than a Chevrolet engine in a heatwave. The las' time I got so steamed was when folks down in my neck o' the woods thought ma l'il cousin Bobby was a-dead and it turned out he was merely takin' a darn long shower. Yes sirree!

Dmitri's presence at Gigg Lane on Tuesday should have proved the doubters that we are in fact the real deal, and it's only a matter of time before our man Wim takes hold of the tactical reins and we assume control of Bury.

On that very note, the second message was from Arne ...

Hello, Texas persons!

A Wim away! A Wim away! The lion is sleeping tonight.

Arne.

p.s. I cannot believe what I am hearing from Woodpecker! He tells me that this weekend Bury's new forward line will be Tiptoe and a not-so-smart man who is also Smart! How can this be? I would prefer to see us sign a goalscorer from local City of Manchester, Mr Makin and pair him with this former Liverpool player, the fan favourite Jon Newby Lurve. I am sure the Bury fans will truly enjoy Makin - Lurve on the Gigg Lane turf!

p.p.s. you will not believe this but I was in England recently and it cost almost 15 pounds for me and my wife Loda to eat a bag of fish and chips! No wonder people are, how you say, living beneath their averages.

Del would also like it made official that the Consortium has invested heavily in a young Chinese talent from the minor leagues and we're hoping he'll be picked up in the major league draft in January. For now we have located Hee Ton Park to a fringe outpost just South of Bury. Holla if ya hear me in Pilsworth!

Arne is not a happy rabbit this week. I am hearing that last weeks performance was no improvement despite Mister Barrowsby and his faithful assistant Rob Mathews getting a draw. This means 6 points in 9 games. Surely its time the so-called board of FC Berry did something about this and put the poor man out of his misery. Instead of, as you say, kitty footing about for 10 games why don’t they make a decision now before its too late?

These are desperate times, my fellow FC Berry fans, and call for strong measurements. If my consortium was in charge we’d have paid the current management off on the Monday morning after 9 games, put somebody from the youth team in temporary charge, and have done with it

This downward spiral cannot continue! I want to see some action soon! As you crazy English say, bah handbags!!

No team from Woodpecker this week. He sounded a bit upset over the phone, mumbled something about a crisp Gasper, which according to my book of UK slang means smoking a quick cigarette. And he said something about David’s blue cannon. What the modesty blazes is going on???? And who is this Carlo Palmieri fellow who keeps leaving messages with my office? Between him and this Ivan Atkinson fellow I'm not getting a minute's piece

Like, lol lol lol! Silly me!

I accidentally sent Wim's application to the in-trays at every League 2 club! tee hee, lol! Still, our ultimate aim will be to take over the entire football world, so we might as well start somewhere!

Hippos are sooooo cute xx lol

Sure! So this Barrow has been laid off and now the Consortium is ready to fill the gap. We are, how do you say, shmoking a poke in a hoke. I have filed the manager's application under the pseudoname Sam Mack, and soon we will be unveiled at the club - sure!

Rumours have reached the Hot Hash Club here in shmoky Amsterdam that another candidate for the job is Paris Hilton! Imagine if the lads wanted some "Gaffer tape" - that's something I'd like to see! Of course we can see many such kinds of tape right here in Amsterdam, for sure, sometimes in a window on the street!

Of course, something the Consortium need to say is that for many months now we have been increasing our stake in the video market! Sure! Abram sent Dmitri to acquire a major holding in High Flyers Video Distribution, and - can I let you into a little secret, my hash-lovin fun chums? - it's the very company that has put together Paris Hilton's interview tape! For sure! We think that although she is great on the job, she is maybe not so great for the job. I am sensing a little joke for you there, hey Bury fans?

Of course in football a week is a very long time and I have decided to revise my BARROW tactical plan, sure! Now I have devised a new shmokin' tactical outlet. I am codenaming it, the how you say, Creative Artistry Striker Potential for Earning Results. We are hoping that Bury will take on CASPER for the short term, as you say!

OK I must go and meet Arne and Del to discuss our next move, Amsterdam style. Remember, all the players will soon know what it means to have Wim Bonus in their heads!

Here in Norway we are enjoying watching this fellow Freddie Flintlock who has been on the satellite television. Apparently he has become the English national hero by single-handedly beating a bunch of ugly Australians in a drinking competition that lasted 5 days. This is the kind of effort we could do with seeing at FC Berry

Woodpecker has given me this team for tomorrow’s game at Giggland, against someone who he described as bostin’. According to my dictionary of UK slang, this a Black Country expression meaning very good. Lets hope they’re not as good as the Mighty Shakers, eh? Woodpecker says that Mr Barrowsby’s new defence are pretty tough. He also said the rest of the team and the bench have formed some sort of Five o’Clock club. Is this where they go straight to the pub after the game without having a shower, and proceed to get completely Freddied? This smells of no good

Cummin
Avago
Iffya
Thinkya
Hardy
Nuff
Walley
Whyton
Ollie
Beak
Muriel


Youngs
Fred
Barkers
Bert
Weedons

Hello Lanky boys and gurls - especially to the new Anna krins who looks like one of the twins that I find so flexible. I wouldn't mind showing her my collection of football clubs. I am getting the sickness of reading the comments on the Berry football messageboard about the manager. I sent Dmitri to examine Mr Barrose kneecaps at the beginning of the season so I hope things will only get better - only in your Dreems!

Dmitri had some troubling information for me. He recognised one of the players from the rear in the club corridor playing table tennis. Big shoulders, bull neck, arms looking like he is carrying vodka barrels, it was former Russian Shotputter Davina Flickovic - how does she get to play for Berry?

Now to money. I paid 3million roubles to persuade Malcolm Glazer (He is girl too) to send his United team to play when Berry is not playing at stadium. This is good business as we can get Dmitri to persuade the Giggses and the Roonees to stay and play for Berry - simple and good investment.

I have done digging on Directors and found one who runs show. He is Dark Satanic Mills who runs olde people homes - perfect for running club yes?! His kneecaps is being scrutinised as I dictate this to twins. I wonder if Anna would like me to dictate to her?????

Like, oh godddd! Wowee, the flight was so totally awesome, sooooo coool! So we went up in Abram's plane, a big white one, it was soooo lovely, you know? I always wanted to be a high flyer! The same colour as my teeth! Daddy was there, and all the media came, and we promoted the Consortium and I had my photo taken lots and lots, which made me very happy! It was like Britney in the video, i wore a little blue outfit and everything! Dmitri asked me to join the Mile High Club, which he said needed me to go to the toilet cubicle with him. No way, I said, doesn't he know that girly girls only share toilets with other girly girls? So I asked him to give me some forms anyway, I'll join up when I get some free time!

Sooo, anyway, I've been compiling dossiers on all my Consortium colleagues for the media, and I've colour coded them up properly, sooooo like red is for Arne, because that is the colour of the flag of Norway, which is somewhere North, like North Carolina. Jimmy Fazackerly has a black folder, because he is from Blackburn, tee hee! I've given a lovely lush green to Pete Zaparla, it's like my favourite colour, I paint all my nails this colour and they're like fabulous! Buck says it looks like I pick my nose a lot, but he's sooo gross. I think I'm gonna ditch him. Like, this Daddy's girl doesn't need some rude boy hanging on to her coat-tails.

Like, the media sooo love me! We've made it into Cosmo!



My email group is getting bigger now, and I asked the other guys in the Consortium to send me some info for their dossiers. Sooo here's what I've got together to tell the press!

Arne Uldiron
He's lovely, but his English is a little funny! His sisters, wife, cousins and nieces all work for his companies. He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very rich! Sigh!

Del Starbuck
He's a big man in Texas! Hollers a lot, loves to eat, loves a bit of sauce (tee hee). He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very rich! Aaaah!

Pete Zaparla
Former chairman of a former Premiership team. He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very rich! Mmmm!

Abram Romanovich
He employs many men who do his dealings for him, has a very glamorous wife and is influential in Russia! He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very, very, very rich!

Wim Bonus
TOTAL genius. Doesn't make any sense at all because of the hash! He knows everything there is about football, but doesn't know anything about anything else because his brain has been eroded! Used to be rich but spent it all in Amsterdam, which he says is in Europe, which is like up North, like North Carolina!

William Christopher
I don't know much about William, but he emailed me a photo of his lycra shorts and he's like, wowee! Hot flushes here! He's soooo manly!

Jimmy Fazakerly
A real sweetie pie, with an adorable English accent! Sooo sweet! Knows lots about football and the scouts!

Arne has been telling me that blogging is "not big or clever", but I am loving it! I write some pages myself and they're sooo great! They're awesome for putting on lots of lovely pictures too, tee hee. Next week I will be setting up a new media promotion. Like, I have already signed up to promote footwear and boots and you can see me in a new fishing boots promotion: Anna Kins - Dark Waders!

Anna is researching this y3kbourd.com and is showing me this website called Bigbloggyholme or some such nonsense. What is this blogging thing? Arne is not getting it. What kind of sad and stupid people would write a blog page? But Anna is telling me it is like, soooo funny, for sure! I am putting her straight and no mistakings. My Consortium colleagues and I did not get where we are today by being funny

And who is this Tottenham White fellow who is insulting our Consortium? What is he doing on an FC Berry message bourd anyway? We are sending Dmitri to North London to make a few enquiries amongst the White Hart Lane faithful. We'll see if we can give this fellow something to laugh about, eh?

Woodpecker has given me this team for tomorrow’s crunch game at Norse Hampden Park. Apparently Mr Barrowsby thinks this fellow Martin Smith is by far the greatest footballer ever seen. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of him

Tiny
Whiny
Shiny
Softy
Hardy
Walley
Whyton
Pussycat
Willum
Tiptoe
Pussyfoot

Fitboy
Fatboy
Dootsy
Bootsy
Snudge

Yo Mamma, has Jimmy done a job or what?! That gal is hotter than a spitroast sizzlin' on a BBQ at Cousin Amelia's House o'Ribs, yes sirree. Now folks, thuh time has come to publicly demonstrate our actions at a higher level, and when ah say higher, ah do mean HIGHER. I've commandeered Abram's jet and next week our media manager will be taking to the skies to promote the Consortium.

Tha's right, make no mistake. Just one week from today, we will reveal to the waiting press, the hottest thing to come from the US since my special sizzlin' sauce, Anna Kins, Sky Walker. Hot DAMN.

You go, girl, tickle ma toes.

PS: You got mail in your inbox. Direct action, y'hear? Dmitri is watching.

Now let muh get another thing straight. Some folks over there at that darn Y3K site have been suggestin' that this Consortium is somehow not thuh real deal. Let muh tell you somethin' for nothin', that's a load of ole horsecrap! You ask for my sweet Maria, who's waitin' for me in Amarillo, and just ask her if Del ain't a real man.

In other matters of soccerball, we have confirmed our interest in Nigerian superstar soccerballer Odebayo an' offered him a fat corntrack, an' he has promised - an' when ah say promised, ah do mean promised - t'come on board jest as soon as thuh transfer window opens again. This hyar group is payin a top dollar whack fo' these outplayers, make no mistake.

Hey Bury supporters. Sure, I almost lost it back over in Amsertdam for a few days but the hash-filled air gave me a chance to do a lot of thinking lately about, how you say it, on pitch matters things and was chatting to my friend's Dennis and Ruud, for sure. They reckon I should implement the Bury's Alamo Rearguard Reactionary Offensive Weapon (or BARROW for short).

I have personally selected Jimmy Petruzzinelloiannibaresi as our new fitness/tictacs coach. He will start work on the youngsters and eventually help the manager work out the best formation using BARROW for the players to use. My calculations are that by May of next year we will have worked out how to get a system that the players are happy and comfortable with. We should really make a move up the table at that point, for sure.

Like the rest of his Consortium colleagues, Arne is very happy to welcome our new media spokesperson Anna Kins onto the payroll. She is a pretty young thing who could, how you say, make a happy man very old

Of course my 2 daughters Rusty and Heapa are getting upset as they thought they were assured high-profile jobs in the Consortium’s media lounge, but I am telling them not to be too dismayed. I will soon be appointing them as joint front women for my new campaign against nepotism which I hear has been creeping its insidious way into some corners of Uldiron Family Entreprises Global Inc

I am starting to tell Anna to get her face about a bit, perhaps by infiltrating some of the web sites devoted to FC Berry. And I am asking her to look into this strange language that they speak on this y3kbourd.com. Particularly I am intrigued as to what is norks, and have asked Anna to find out, and keep me abreast of the situation

But as I am issuing these instructions I am sensing young Anna is upset about something, and am encouraging her to tell her new Uncle Arne all about it. She is telling me that she has met someone at the Gym who is being nasty to her. I am telling her to worry no further! We will send Dmitri over to carry out some late-night maintenance to one of the multi-gyms, if you get my driftwood. So before long this other gymlady will have difficulty sitting on her hands, although the good news is she won’t have to spend any more money on gloves

This is one of the great things about being Movers and Shakers. We can make problems go away. Talking of which, I see many of the FC Berry fans are trying to make their particular problem go away, but it seems that Mr Barrowsby and his assistant Rob Matthews are not for going. I shall be watching this situation very carefully

The Consortium is about to be expanded. Following lengthy discussions and meetings at Del's ranch, we appointed our scout Jimmy Fazakerly to source us a female figurehead who could head up our public and media face. We had three basic requirements: a desire to be photographed, a passion for football and (importantly) the ability to refrain from sitting on her hands. This is a keep it real, live it large position, you know what I'm saying, no idleers or time wasters please, schizzlemanizzle.

We believe that Jimmy has unearthed the perfect candidate, and she will announce herself soon.

Hot damn! That there Tipton is a fine acquisition, momma. A good soccerballer by all accounts, and he makes the best damn ice tea this side o' Cousin Besses'. Yes, sirree. Holla out there for ya, Wim ma buddy, good to see ya over there in l'il ole Amsterdam. Higher than a Texas mockingbird in a serious updraft, no mistake!

Sure! Del and Jimmy have tracked me down here at the Hazy World of Hash cafe in Amsterdam for a, how you say it, wagging of the chin about the tactics. After the success of my TOTAL-2 coaching regime, I'm working on the latest masterplans of the tactics for my Consortium buddies. We are all having an Amsterdam of a good time!

Allow me to present to you, the Wim Bonus GOLDMEDAL (Sure! That's the GOal-rich Lazy Diagonal Midfield Excursion Diversionary ALliance tactical) plan, in which we create a diversion by allowing midfielders to invade the opposition penalty area while all the time the strikers have shielded the ball behind them on the left wing! Genius! Like a pig in a poke! If played right, you can have 8 of your players in the box at once, a kind of 808 State, if you know what I like!

So, Jimmy is telling me about this Barrow and how he plays the game in a long ball way? Isn't that "veird", you know what I mean? This is kind of my thing, the tactical nous, so I am saying to you, when we take over we will not be playing this way! Sure! We will play a toit defence, very very toit, with toit midfield pressing hard and strikers who can fire the ball into the goal, for sure! 4-4-2, a toit diamond, sure!

Now we must return and fire up a shmoke, so I will catch you later, Bury fun boys!

A bong and a blintz, very very coooool, yes!

Hej to all you die harding fans of FC Berry!

Last week we are sending Dmitri over to Mandersfield to, how you say, have the chatter with the strange fellow Palmer, which resulted in Matthew Tiptoe suddenly becoming available to join FC Berry

But my Consortium colleagues and I are disappointed to hear that the performances are still poor. Perhaps Mr Barrowsby no longer has the master plan?

However Woodpecker is telling me that there is good spirit amongst the players. He says there are some dreadful puns doing the rounds in the first X1 and also a sort of fellowship has developed amongst the substitutes

Woodpecker is also telling me that the fans are revolting. But I am knowing this already from the photographs on this website called The Mighty Shakers. What a title! Is the good English irony, yes?

I am assured by Woodpecker that this is the team against FC Karl Island on Friday night. I have never heard of this place, but I believe it has some connection with Mr Anders Prest who used to pace up and down outside the same Giggland dugout that Mr Barrowsby now sits inside

Titch
Micken
Beaky
Dozy
Dave. D
Hardy
Boysan
Nancy
Drew
Tiptoe
Two-lips


Goodfellow
Oddfellow
Longfellow
Youngfellow
Oldfellow

My Consortium colleagues and I are hearing many the bad things about performances on and off the field at FC Berry. Perhaps Mister Barrowsby is no longer cutting the mustards as you crazy English guys like to say. Also we are having the second thoughts about our appointment of Rob Matthews as coach, especially as I am hearing that some people are saying he was not such the greats player in his days with this famous old club

However, all is not lost, fellow FC Berry fans. I am hearing good news about the return to Giggland of that talented Canadian playmaker Tony Duckfield. Apparently he has been away in Poland fronting a company in the music business. Or was it maybe the Male Escort business? We are sending Dmitri over to see if we can get a piece of the action

Woodpecker is giving me this team for tomorrow’s game against Rex Ham. I told him to tell Mister Barrowsby that we will be expecting an improvement

Smallguy
Fallguy
Tallguy
Patrick
Fitz
William
Flipflop
Espadrille
Clog
Newbs
Pubes


Soapy
Ropey
Dopey
Gafferson
Child

Hej fellow FC Berry fans!

Old Arne is not pleased. Thanks to Woodpecker, my man in the dug-out, I am hearing about this fellow Flipflop who is writing a page in the programme where he gets cheap laughings by making rude and stupid comments about his fellow professionals. My Consortium colleagues and I did not get where we are today by making derogatory or comical comments about FC Berry players. Once our takeover is complete I will be showing the Giggland dressing room door to this talentless buffoon

On a happier note it seems the man we sent in to help out Mr Barrowsby is showing the early results. Well done Mr Rob Matthews! I believe he was a player for FC Berry in the last century, and nearly scored some memorable goals

Woodpecker assures me this is the team for Saturday’s game at Wickerman

Squat
Thrust
Tarquin
F’tang
Olay
Biscuitbarrel
Hunkyboy
Chunkyboy
Monkeyboy
Oldie
Newby

Soapy
Smarts
Stings
Hertz
Avis

Whut in the name of tarnation is goin' on over there in l'il ole England? The Consortium is all fired up to take control quicker than a gator huntin' down a groundhog, and yet what do we see? There's dissension in the ranks, accountants posting on that darn Y3K board, pitbulls and cabin men shouting the odds and some cotton pickin' varmint named shakerforever who needs a darn big bull whippin' 'cross his hide. In mah day, if I'd shown the same kinda foul tongue that boy exhibits, mah poppa, god bless his soul, woulda caned mah hide blacker than a bear in a tarpit, ya hear?

But never mind that, I'm a-here today to tell you all about our latest plans for the club, and these are our plans, let no heretic tell you diff'rent. First of all, we're gonna relocate the Shakers to Atlanta GA, hot damn. There's a hardcore of fans here who need top quality soccerball, yes sirree bob. Then we're gonna build them the Enorm-O-dome, kinda like a stadium y'all have over there in England, but bigger. The players will fly over first class on Romanovich Airlines, top quality Swedish masseuses on hand courtesy of good old Arne Uldiron. Pre-match meals of rare steak from mah ranch, topped with Starbuck's finest hogswine. Hot Damn!

Our source among the coaches, William Christopher, has sent through ideas about foreign imports, we're payin top dollar for some quality players like that feller Odebayo from Nigeria and the Bengal Tiger, yes sirree bob. And we're takin' advantage of a new training tip sourced from the Net. Badger Power is the way ahead, mah friends, sure as the wooly's mittens are supa, and the hannah Hotpants are smokin', y'hear? Hot Damn!

Expect more news from the Consortium just as soon as we've finalised our business models and painted that Cabin, y'hear?

Greetings Lanky persons!

I have been away so much with the investigations that I missed my beloved friends in the Consortium and watching for the results of our new club. We are so pleased to have raised the money to buy the ground and hope that the lovely hospitable and supportive Bury crowds will be pleased when they learn we have secured the club for now and forever Bury.

This is reminding me. This Forever Bury. What is it? Is it like the young Pilots we had in Communist times? I have asked Dmitri to check out the Polish Connection - this Mr Duckrace - he could be a plant by my old friend Walensa.

Big row with Irina now. She is obsessed with being Victoria Beckham of Berry and wants me to find a nice young David Beckham lookalike in the team she can be seen out with on the town in the high spots of Berry. I have been told that "Flickers" is the man with best pectorals and shaves all his body hair off.

She is mental. I think it is all the diuretics she takes for thinness.

Good result against the Gay Boys from the meadow. How long do you think it will be before we are in Premiership? I want me and Irina to go to Stamford Bridge to gloat over Roman and his skinny wife!

Dosveedanya tovarichamee

I am reading the FC Berry message board. What the Bolton Wanderers is going on? Apparently the Directors have all resigned and the Board now consists of 3 chimps called Ian and a Polish duck called Tony. This is too much!

My new mole Woodpecker is telling me that all the players are, how you say, in the dogging house after the game against Orientals. Time for Mr Barrowsby to start wielding the wide stick! Woodpecker says this team might do better on Saturday against FC Shrews. From what I am hearing, they couldn’t do any worse, eh?

Bulky
Sulky
Scotty
Potty
Totty
Hardy
Annual
Curly
Whirlie
Smarty
Tube

Newby
Oldby
Stalyboy
Whaleyboy
Barrowboy

I am knowing some of these names. Woodpecker tells me Hardy is the new boy from FC Stock Sport. Hardy is of course his nickname. Apparently his real name is Bradley Hardacre

Greetings one and all, William Christopher here! I must apologise for the long delay between correspondence but I was involved ina freak training ground accident involving my cycle shorts and a lycra crop top that had been carelessly discarded. Caught me right in the bollards. 14 months on, the rehab is going fine and I've been completing my UEFA C coaching badge. This means I am now fully qualified to drive the team to reserve and friendly fixtures.

There's been much talk of tactics, formations and positions that Bury are employing, and as a tactician and diary writer of the highest calibre, I must add my view. On Saturday, there was clearly a lack of communication between player and manager. Barrow instructed Whaley to play as an "outright striker" but the poor lad clearly thought it was three words, not two, and spent all his time languishing on the wing! Tut tut! It won't happen when ther Consortium takes over, clear lines of communication will be established at all levels.

I don't know if you have been watching Big Brother, but I am actually repsonsible for the design of the bedspreads.



The spotty array is a copy of my new tacticians pad, a revolutionary design cunningly fashioned from cardboard and sticky labels which allows the manager or coash to easily change formations with just a simple peel and stick action! The "William Christopher Coach's Learning Empathy Aid Navipad for Every Routine" (WC CLEANER for short) is available from all good coashing outlets, and comes free with every UEFA Class C award to help prospective coaches take their first steps towards formulating their own plans for world domination.

With my WC CLEANER and the cycling shorts, we will rule the division as soon as the money men conclude their dealings!

As always, keep it real, live it large!

Hot damn! This is one Yankee that's fryin' hotter than a shuttle re-entry this morning. Arne has faxed me about Saturday's TKO that leaves us 0 for 1 for the season. Y'know, the last time any of my teams stayed unbeaten was just after I took over the Troy Tempests at ma' alma mater, the grand ole U of T. Horse whippin' thuh hides of some pretty boy footballers sure seems to get em in shape for a long hard slog, and it looks like I'll be dispatchin' my man Clint over to Bury if thuh Shakers don't improve tomorrow, yes sir.

Speakin' of whippin' some hides, the Starbucks went en masse to see that new Dukes O'Hazzard flick last weekend, and let me tell ya somethin' boys, that Daisy Duke had ole Del's eyes poppin' out of his skull, even if ole Grandma Starbuck, bless her l'il ole holey cotton socks, kept on referring to her as a bit of a ho! "Git those pesky hos off thuh picture" she kept a-yellin'.

Mind you, a l'il female companionship is good for any real man, let me tell you that for nothin', and it's been brought to my a-ten-shun tha' the ole Y3K site is now in the hands of a woman! A darn fine thing too, the previous owner was a l'il too gay for my tastes anyhoo. Let me tell you, the lines of communication are now open, and I'd like tuh invite Hannah over to Starbuck Ranch, and I'll sure as heck throw her a big barbeque o' ribs and buffalo hide, sure as a rattlesnake sheds in mah summer house, yes sirree bob.

Del will be watchin' REAL close tomorrow night when Orient come to town, jus' remember boys, muh whips are always close to hand, or my name's not Del Starbuck III. Holla if ya hear muh callin'.

Woodpecker is giving me the exclusive scoopings as to the team for tomorrow nights game against Late and Orients. I'm not recognizing these names. I asked him which striker is Pants but he said "any of them". What can this be meaning?

Little
Lefty
Panic
Stricken
Trio
Wrongfoot
Bicker
Flicker
Snicker
Smarty
Pants

Bigkeeper
Gafferslad
Workhorse
Carthorse
Woodenhorse

My new informant Woodpecker is telling me that FC Berry have lost their first game 2 - 1. I understand this means they have been conceding 2 goals. This is not so good

I am ringing Del's friend Malky G, the new owner of MG Rovers in Manchester and asking him how to stop this flow of goals against. He is telling me his secret, that comes straight fromTampa Bay Bucketeers. It is simple; pack the D-fence!

So now I am telling Woodpecker to have the word with Mr Graham Barrowsby. Get all your defenders on the field at once! Watch out for an exciting new T-shaped formation against Latent Orientals on Tuesday night. This could be the turning point!

Hej FC berry fans!

Old Arne is still keeping the beady eyeball on your quaint little cash strapped club. In fact, so much do I have the, as you English people say, soft place for FC Berry that I have once again signed up a squad member as my spy in the campus. I know this has proved dangerous in the past; each time I put one on the Uldiron Enterprises Slushfund payroll they get the heaving hoe shortly afterwards

This one is a bit how you say wider in the tooth than the previous ones. I can't reveal his name, for security porpoises, but I shall give him the cunning codename of Woodpecker. Maybe he's a bit of a headbanger! Is the good English humour, yes?

Woodpecker has sent me the likely team for tomorrow which is in some place called Chelnum. But he said he doesn't know all of the them as it seems Mr Barrowsby has been busy in the transferring market. Hej, maybe this is FC Berry's big year, eh?

Smallman
Fitz
Misfitz
Newdaddy
Olds
Youngs
Latecomer
Incomer
Newcomer
Journeyman
Newman

Newby
Deadleggy
Haysifantaze
Johnwaynis
Bigleggy

Greetings faithful fans of FC Berry

My spies are telling me that tomorrow is a friendly against the old enemy Bolton. I fully expect the new look FC Berry under the direction of Mr Graham Barrowsby to keep up the traditions by winning 2-1

But I am also hearing that the Club are offering a free car in a raffle. Surely this is some kind of stunt, because I can't believe a cash strapped club can afford this. Hey, maybe FC Berry will pull one of Arne's old tricks like when I used to offer a fantastic prize in the Uldiron Family Enterprises employees Christmas party, and make sure my own name came out of the helmet. "What are the chances being of that" I used to say

Maybe I should give my man in the Boardroom a ring while there's still time

Abram and I have been paying close attention to Del's boy Malcolm at FC Gloryhunters. As mega-business men we are being impressed by his strategy which goes like this;

1. Get one fellow to take effective control of the club
2. Jack the admission prices up to bleed the faithful fanbase

He seems to have hit on a brilliant money making scheme. Why don't FC Berry do this, I am asking myself? I think we'll send Dmitri into Giggland to have a word

Hello long suffering fans of FC Berry!

Our consortium has been a bit how you say under the rug this last few months. I am giving my old pal Rupert the nod this week to leak a few stories in the UK press. Anything to keep your hopes up, eh? As you Brits like to say, any Ports in a storm!

I am keeping the bloodshut eye on the FC Berry message board. Who is this SFE fellow, and his mad family? Do they not talk to each other at home? And this fellow y3k Jon? He will be out by the end of the summer, or my name is not Arne Uldiron. And what is norks? We are not having these in Norway, more are the pities

I am amused to read that the FC berry fans have twigged that one man now owns the ground. And to think that Abram is moving into the UK housing development market. What is the chances of that I am asking myself?

I see Del's man Malcolm is getting some bad press in Manchester after my old pals John and JP cashed in their chippings. Always better to let someone else take the flax, as I always say. Maybe more fans for FC Berry eh?

Well hot dammit! Our small fry dealings at the Church o'Horn have been spotted. That's a darn shame, but it proves to the Shakers we're serious - or my name's not Delbert Zahary Starbuck the Third, yes sirree bob.

Greetings fellow FC Bury fans!

As I predicted my new informant is firmly established in the FC Bury dressing room. Like before I am having to use a codename for my mole, so this time I shall be referring to him as Antarctic. He is telling me that he will have to be very careful with the team names, or any other exclusive information, as the new manager has installed his own enforcer, just like that fellow Andy Morrissey last season. Apparently this new guy is a big scary baldy fellow who they call Joe Ninety, although not to his face I am thinking!

Antarctic is telling me all sorts of things that have happened at FC Bury while I’ve been busy elsewhere. Apparently the boy Sedoni has left, and gone to Russia to look for diamonds! I am aghast! Who is going to score the goals now I’m asking? But my mole tells me everything is going to be OK. Also apparently Mr Barrowsby has appointed a Surgeon who sits at a bench. This is all very strange

Anyway here is the team for tomorrow’s game against FC Lynk Holm. I hope you fans know who these codenames mean, because I don’t! Antarctic tells me Mr Barrowsby’s team has a solid trio of centre backs, although one of them is a bit past it. He says one of the wing backs looks better than the other. The midfield trio have developed a good balance, and the strike pairing are getting better every week

Welsh
Weaker
Block
Rock
Crock
Sleeker
Kicker
Flicker
Slicker
Gump
Clump

Subs
Mildman
Bitterman
Canuck
Leeduck
Cuvver

I am telling Antarctic to send me inside details on a different squad member every week, and I look forward to his reports. Upwards and Onwards!!

Hello to all you FC Bury fans!

Yes, like that Mr Never-Never on the Official Message Board old Arne is stillnotgone! I am keeping how you say, the looking brief on this lower league club that is becoming close to my heart

My Consortium colleague Del is telling me of all sorts of progress at Giggland. First I see FC Bury have been promoted to Division Two! How did that happen? Did Abram send Dmitri round to League Headquarters to have a word?

Anyway, I am very close to signing up a new man-in-the-dressing-room who will be giving me the inside doping. Normally everytime I sign one, FC Bury pay him off! Hopefully this one might last a little longer

With a bit of luck he will be on the Uldiron Enterprises payroll by Friday and I will be able to give you exclusive news of the team for Saturday's match. Mind you, I might have to be a bit more careful with the slush funds now that my old buddy Canadian Conrad has got himself into trouble over at his Newspaper Empire. I ask you! You make a tankerload of money, then the pesky shareholders start wanting to know what you're doing with it. Its enough to make you want to wear a wig

Greetings y'all. An darn rootin tootin good news y'hear - Del is back from a mammoth world tour of Texas including a visit to momma peppercorns house o'ribs, where I got kinda stuck for weeks, hot damn!

Now what's this I'm a -hearin' about the Nooge bein' on fire over there in l'il ole England? Darn right, he is. I knocked some sense inta that boy like a hog bein' bull-whipped around the hind quarters and now he just can't stop scorin'. Last year he couldn't a hit a barn door with a banjo's ass (pardun ma cussin), now he is THE MAN. As ma cousin Shelley says, Holla if ya hear what I'm sayin, y'all.

Now I kinds must admit to bein' more'n a l'il impressed with the new signings we've acquired, ain't it so. Barry Brian Murphy, Brian Barry Murphy and Dwayne Barry Jones. Hot dickety, them's just like some of my 72 cousins (all called Dwayne y'hear), yes sirree bob! An' all livin' in a shoebox way out west, tickle ma toes!

When my accountant reurns from a short trip to Idaho to sort out some cattle rustlin' pesky son of a mule who owes me for a whole topside of ranch ribs (and I do mean PRIME beefsteak now, none of that Trotters jerky you find over at the Reebok), I'll be splashin' the cash and sending a few George Washingtons to refinance the Gigg Lane redevelopment. You can count on it now (or ma name ain't Notorious Del). Operatives William, Arne and Abram, come in fellas, yo' time is near.

Time to head off to meet ugly kid joe at the Rochfail ranch.

This is Del Starbuck headin' off, y'hear.

Gordon Sorfleet Bennet! Bogie ie just ringing to tell me he is getting the heaving-hoe from FC Bury

He is pointing out that being Arne's "Man in the hole" is, how you say, the poisoned chaffinch. First Thor Bentley, then Justin Trousersnake, then Kernel Bogie himself. No sooner do I recruit them, then FC Bury give them the bottom's rushes

I think FC Bury need the "foot up" for next season. I hear this fellow Ranieri will be coming free soon. I might give Abram a ring later.....

Bogie is ringing me tonight telling me that these fellows Barrows and O'Handbag are doing a good job, and that perhaps its time FC Bury secure their services before the price goes up

Bogie is suggesting I ring the man in charge tomorrow morning; I have his name written down here, yes, apparently he is called Ken Barlow. I look forward to an interesting conversation, and will tell him to get them signed up tomorrow, providing FC Bury play attractive football and don't lose by more than 2 goals

Bogie is not getting a game at the moment. But he is telling me that he is turning over a new leaflet, whatever that means. Apparently he has taken up boxing. Well it keeps him out of the pubs eh?

St Partick's Day greetings to all FC Bury fans! I know Arne has been quiet this few weeks but I have been keeping my ear, how you say, close to the grass

I am still receiving occasional reports from Bogie, my man-in-the-reserves. He is telephoning me last night, all excited, but the telephone line is poor and the noise in my Ferrari is sometimes a little loud. But he says FC Bury got a great result yesterday at Giggland against FC Manse Field

He said something about a Trudy Goodwin. I am looking this up on the internet and discover she plays the lady sergeant in The Bill, which is being very popular here in Scandinavia? Is she an FC Bury celebrity, like Mike Reed from Eastenders, and Ralf Little Britain from that funny comedy show on BBC3?

I am pleased to hear the boy Sedoni is banging them up, as you British fans like to say. And Bogie is telling me about this young fellow David Nugget who plays alongside Sedoni. Bogie says he is "a gem" and "a rough diamond" Let us hope he is not the Fools Gold, eh?

I am asking Bogie to explain the reason for FC Bury's general improvement and he is telling me it is all down to a new coach that Mr Barrows brought in after losing his first 4 games. Apparently this fellow is an Irish goalkeeping coach from FC Prestwich. He has a very Irish sounding name, I didn't catch it clearly, but I think Bogie said it was Gallon O'Heineken or something like that. Anyway, well done Mr Barrows and Mr Gallon! And although you know how much I dislike nepotism I am still pleased to hear how well the Manager's son Matty Barrows is performing for his father's team

Maybe The Consortium will get a chance to see FC Bury in action on Saturday. Abram and I have a few horses running at Cheltenham, along with our old Irish pals John and JP. I don't think Alex will be joining us this year! Slainte!!

Strassveechi Lanky boys and gurls!

We are turning the thing round yes no? Some good Russian fighting spirit is in the team now and I see comrade Daly has put one nicely on the Oxford person. Nice one Jonny but take a tip from Dmitri and either do this thing when no-one is aware or get some clown to take the rap for you. Back to Southport you Amateur.

Who is this fool of an Oxford Manager? Why did the reggae boy want him when we have the Barrow?

Some news for the end of season party. I am flying out the team with some camp followers for some debauchery in a Bar in Benalmadena - not far from my yacht. The landlord is Bury and looks the other way for some Euros so we can smuggle in camp followers such as the cheerleader girl and the Besses lady. They will put a smile on the Kennedy boy!

Big plans for next season when the consortium finally uncovers the true owners of Bury and buys them out. Here is sneak view of business plan:

1. We sack caterers and open Bury black pudding outlets all over ground (local delicacy I'm told full of goodness). Charge simple £5 per pud = profit! Drinks? FB Beer and cheap orange from the pop man at simple £5 again. Genius!

2. Sack stewards. Dimitri takes care of trouble. He will have 2 men on roof at each end of Main stand with sniperscopes. Plus they can get balls hoofed up by Denis Whales.

3. Get games sponsored by Spanish cement factory (owned by me of course)

4. Finally - this is genius idea from Irina who is not all boobs and long legs. She shows me her new ipod earphones which have "noise cancelling" feature. It works by sampling noise and playing a wave to eliminate it. We will fit in South Stand so when moans begin we switch on to eliminate. Excellent! We need now to sample crowd noise from good crowd and play when we attack.

Anyway, I have an appointment with some twins who do excellent gymnastic synchronised massages and feel urges calling me!

Dosveedanya!

Mission accomplished. Bury have been double-barrowed.

Long time, no post. Truth is, the ex-Gaffer and I have been living it very large up here in the frozen wastes, we had a rare old snowball fight across Barrow just the other day! Barrow-in-Furness that is, though I reckon the lad himself might get some grief tomorrow!

These Cumbrians are starting to get wind of our insider plans, so we're toning it down at this end for the minute. I hear Del and Abram have big things planned.

Tomorrow phase 1 of the plan is put into operation ...

Greetings Lanky boys and girls,

I have moved one of Dmitri's friends into the club to do a bit of enforcing. He is a Georgian by the name of Gynnastic Farmovic but has Anglicised this to "Fit Croft". He is a handy boy and although he has not Dmitri's gift for kneecaps is happy rearranging noses.

I had lunch on the yacht with another Football Shaker - Mr Peter Ridsdale. I entertained him with a couple of pole dancers - or at least that's what they said they were - I could have sworn they were Romanian.

Anyway, I was much entertained with his tales of how he kept Leeds at the top for years and now he has left they are knacked. I was so happy for him at the new club I agreed to sponsor his Goldfish.

Shall I get one for the Bury trophy room?

My new Spy in the Hole, Bogie is sending me some bad news with his first report. Apparently FC Bury have appointed a new man to their existing Board, and this fellow actually has some money

Bogie tells me he is called Dale Porous, and he made a boatload of cash when he sold his roofing firm, Porous Roofing Materials for 120 Million! OK, this is still babies money compared to me and Abram, but even so, I think it might be enough for the current FC Bury Board to fend off our approach

I think maybe our Consortium should concentrate our efforts elsewhere. I am hearing there is a club in Yorkshire desperate for some dodgy investors, especially since the players are not agreeing to take a pay cut . I might get ask Abram to get Dmitri to pay a visit to their training ground. Then we will strike!

I will be how you say, "holding an eye" on FC Bury, but I think I will be keeping the "short profile" from now on

After the stirring performance at Scunthorn I am ringing my old friends the Barclay Twins to see if they want to put some money into our Consortium. But every time I ring, their Personal Assistant tells me they are out buying a newspaper. How long can that possibly take, I am asking myself? I know they live on a private island, but surely there must be a newsagent nearby?

Some good news, I have recruited a new dressing room spy. I cannot reveal his name of course, but I have a cunning codename for him; Bogie

Hopefully I will have his player report, or maybe some team news before this Saturday's game at Giggland. Is it true what I am hearing, that FC Bury are playing a team of kids? This must be 3 points, how you say, in the sack

From the reports I am getting from my own people who were at Giggland on Saturday, it is apparent that Trousersnake is giving me, how you say, the bottom steer. I have sent him packing. He's lucky I don't send Dmitri with a packing case, if you get my meaning. I apologise if the quality of my intelligence regarding team selection has not been so good recently. I shall be looking to have a new Man in the Dressing Room Showers before Saturday's game

You may have noticed some Norwegian representatives of Uldiron Enterprises at Giggland yesterday watching the match against FC Swans. After hearing their reports that FC Bury are giving such a good performance under Mr Barrows our Consortium has decided to call off Dmitri, and keep Barrows in charge for the rest of the season

However I think its time that the scary fellow, the previous dressing room security officer was replaced for someone of Mr Barrows choosing. I will issue the necessary instructions. Maybe this will mean Trousersnake is not so afraid to name real names in his reports. We shall see

I see my golf buddy Big John's son is scoring his first goal for FC Bury! And who is this Challenger Missile fellow? My representatives report that he looks like a good signing

When I am getting this weeks team from Trousersnake I am momentarily forgetting they are all codenames, and wondering why FC have such a big turnover of players!

This is the team against FC Swans who Trousersnake said are a bunch of ugly duckers; at least I think that's what he means, my English is not always the goods

In his notes Trousersnake writes that one of the subs is a lightweight but he doesn't indicate which one. He also says our current strike pairing are all at sea? These English expressions are too hard for old Arne!

Things are not going well for Mister Barrowsby. Our Consortium are not blessed with, how you say, the English Patients


Poplar
Treebeard
Stump
Colinwood
Softwood
Ironwood
Hollywood
Deadwood
Driftwood
Flotsam
Jetsam

Balsa
Hardwood
Wellardwood
Kantzeederwood
Forditreze

Seasonal tidings y'all. That darn Santa emptied his sack all over my front porch this year. Li'l cousin Marla gave me a darn 200 dollar voucher to spend down at the All-U-can-eat buffet bar at the Grand Ole Texas Beef Jerky Steakhouse; guess she forgot I own the franchise, momma! Yes sirree bob.

Anyhoo, shoot fire, pardners, and let's turn our attention to the darn Bury franchise. What in tarnation is goin' on over there? Our instructions to Abram and Dmitri were explicit - remove the boss and the backup man, but what's this I'm a hearin? The barrowboy is holding the reins and the whole hog is going belly up faster than a stranded heifer in a mudswamp of rattlers. Hot Damn!

As my pappa (God bless him) used to say: "I strongly suggest you not be licking your fingers then wiping them there boots of yours, son. People from these parts don't wanna be tasting where they've been stepping". When we build the new enormodome allstar indoor training center down at Lower Gigg, that'll be the stadium motto. Seems quite opportune right now, don't it, y'hear?

Whatever the near future might being, one thing is darn tootin' for sure gonna be happenin'. Those tired-ass shakers will be gettin' a rocket under them courtesy of my attornees. As my buddy Arne is fond of sayin', no-one in our group will be letting grass grow under our rootin-tootin asses. Holler if ya hear what I'm sayin!

Until next time, this is Del Starbuck signing out; I've got Pete and Abram coming in for a satellite conference call now, which just might spark off something mighty interestin'. My associates think that if we can marry one of our strikers off to Britney Spears they might just start scoring again. Yes sirree!

Happy New year to all FC Bury fans!

This could be interesting, I am playing pro-celebrity Golf last week in the Arne Uldiron Charidee Pro-am Philanthropy Classic, and am being paired with Big John Daly. He is "gripping it and ripping it" all over my private 18 hole course. The Lion can still roar, I am telling you

Anyway Big John is telling me his son John jr is an exciting striker playing for FC Rockport in Massachusets. He says his boy could score lots of goals for a third division club in England. Of course I am not letting on that I hold big influence at FC Bury but old Arne didn't get where he is today by, how you say, letting the grass grow up his arse

Needless to say I am wasting no time telling Trousersnake to have a word with the fellow Barrows. Watch out for these names, John, Daly and Rockport, and remember where you heard them first!

Greetings Lanky boys and girls!

I hope you enjoyed my gift to you this Christmastime. Just a slight cocking up. I sent Dmitri off with a clear message. "Get a barrow full of roubles to pay the priest off" He thought I said get a Barrow with the roubles and pay the Priest off". Looks like you are stuck with the Barrow until I can get myself over there around the end of January and get things moving.

I think that business with the stun grenades this summer has done for Dmitri's hearing but it hasn't stopped his expertise with the kneecaps. I am going to get him to do that Bush guy who has just stopped me bidding for some work in Iraq. Doesn't this guy understand how capitalism works? You let the syndicates even shot at the work. He is messing with fire believe me.

Now to business. I have a shortlist of managers and players for the big spend in February. I know there is a "transfer window" but windows are easily smashed.

Managers
-----------

Simon Cowell
I like this man's jib. He is popular and tough like me. He would tell the players as it was. He is top pick.

Tony Blair
OK he is not so popular now but this makes him bargain. He is very good at making things seems really good when it is shit. We will need someone like this in early days

Scales of Justice
This man is amazing. Despite the fact that he wears the blindfold all the time, he is always very right with his opinions. He is like the Rasputin! He must be on drugs which I can get him very cheep!

Clive Woodward
He is winner with miserable boring voice just like you Lanky guys and girls! He might cost too much but Dmitri could pay him a visit...

Now for players.
------------------

Normally I trust Arne with his selection but these have been the one's I have seen or Irina has fancied from the OK magazine.

Johnny Wilkinson
OK OK I know he has dodgy shoulder but you don't need this for the football game and he is best kicker in world yes? Why do others not see this logic. We will be ahead of game.

Norman Bullock
Everyone need legend in club and Dmitri tells me he is biggest legend and scorer of lots of goals. Anyone know where he is?

David Beckham
Now this is for Irina who fancies the pants from him. I think he has no taste (I have sold him a couple of Ferraris with dodgy past but he never spotted). His floozie is irritating whiney thing with implants and bulimia which is normal for stars in Madrid. I would play him as in American football to come on for the extra point kicks and penalty goals.

Mike Tyson
This man is psycho and I hold some gambling markers on him. Makes him perfect for the enforcement role on pitch.

I can't wait to start as Chairman but we will need to hold meetings on Yacht in Puerto Banus as I have the difficulty getting in Country. I guess I will hire an easy jet from Summerseat Airways to bring out the board and fans representatives for meetings. It will make it easier for them to agree with my plans!

Happy New Year!

I am hearing that although the performance is better against FC Cumbrians, the result is even worse than before. Who is this fellow Preece who plays so well for them on the left? Perhaps FC Bury should sign him up

Not much sign of Christmas Cheer in tomorrows team selection. I think a change of tune is required


Team against FC Udersfield

Poplar
Christmas
Carroll
Harker
Herald
Angel
Singh
Glorie
Tudor
Newbon
King

Subs
While
Shepherd
Washtaire
Soxby
Knight

Lots of new team names this week, no doubt because of the poor showing in the Orient. Although I am pleased to see Mr Whelan is back, but without his former midfield partner Mr Hitchen

Mr Barrows seems to have got off to a poor start. And now Trousersnake, the “man in my pocket” is telling me that Mr Anders Prest is paying for a car light? From what I read of his pay off, I would think he could afford a whole new car. I must say I am surprised that no other club has tried to sign him yet. I would think he could score goals for some struggling lower division team at the wrong end of the table. Mark my words, FC Bury fans, he won’t be stuck at home doing motor maintenance for long!

Boxing day team against FC Cumbrians

Gordon
De Webb
Meisters
Christmas
Wantiss
Thefree
Whelan
Bobb
Dillon
Hybrid
Ceedy

Trousersnake has also written “7.99 from Play dot com” What is this meaning I wonder

Best wishes at this festive time to all FC Bury fans. Remember to how you say “keep the fate” and “keep your fingers cropped” that our takeover will go through soon. Talking of “fingers cropped” reminds me, I must send Dmitri a Christmas card …….

Trousersnake, my “man in the hole” is keeping a low profile this week, but he managing to send me the team for tomorrow’s game, against FC Lay Town which apparently is in a suburb of Brisbane, somewhere in the Orient. I hope that Mr Graham Barrows manages to get better results in these overseas games than FC Bury got under the departed Mr Prest. But the experiences in Turkey and Boston, Massachusets do not bode well for this

I am wondering whether the players will be happy, sad, or just confused about Anders Prest's departure from the Club. Trousersnake was not giving me any clues when I asked for his opinion

Team against FC Lay Town

Reliable
Recalled
Rejeuvenated
Redoubtable
Repositioned
Remotivated
Bemused
Bewildered
Befuddled
Delighted
Delerious

Debutant
Standin
Benchwarmer
Desperate-Measure
Banjaxed-Altogether

I look forward to a new improved FC Bury under Mr Barrows. I shall be interested to see if his son Matty is restored to the line-up

The deed is done. Maybe some of you "clever clever" FC Bury fans will take Arne Uldiron more the serious from now on

You peoples think that Arne knows f*** nothing! But let me assure you, and todays event's at FC Bury prove this beyond all doubt, Arne knows f*** all!!! Yessss!!!!!!!

Preece has gone before he had the chance to face me!

Hi Lanky boys and girls,

First the bad news. I booked 150 seats on the easyjet for Dmitri and his friends and family for the Roachdale game but it was diverted and he had to enjoy a roam through the terraced houses in Luton. Good job. Believe me losing at home is not anything Dmitri will tolerate and he is a genius working the kneecaps.

Serious stuff though. I thought we could rely on Priest keeping a good shape before we found out who owned the club and then bought it. Now I find he has lost the story!

I know from my sources that £46,000 is needed to end the job! Good gracious. I could deliver this in roubles in a barrow right now.

I think I will make the call tonight.

I am hearing worse and worst reports of FC Bury's performances under Messrs Prest and Barrowsby. I am thinking it is time Arne put his money where his voice it. How much is £46k in Kroner?

Howdy y'all. Just back from Jamaica where I had a productive meeting with Uncle Albert aboard his yacht. Dmitri seems to have put the cat among the pigeons and no mistake, holler if ya hear what I'm sayin'. Uncle Al seems scarder than a li'l ole chipmunk in a nest o' bobcats and no mistake. He's been promoting a new fad, the Atkins regime I think he said, which involves downing more steak than a Texan on heat. Yes sirree!

It's now nearing time for the masterplan, gents; with Al running scared and Preece firing more blanks than a SWAT team in trainin', we've moved William Christopher into captaincy and coach roles, Dmitri and Abram are massing their heavies, and our man on the inside is riling up the fans. Way to go, Colin WT. Yee hah!

It seems Trousersnake is able to send me the team names after all. He has written "Team ready to fail" but surely he must be meaning "Team ready for Fail"?

Team aginst FC Roch Fail at Giggland tomorrow

D Iarmuid
D Homeboy
D Bilitated
D Risible
D Moralised
D Ismal
D Jected
D Spondent
D Motivated
A Prest
D Prest



S Idelined
B Lackballed
O Verlooked
U N’derplayed
O Stracised

I think that N'derplayed is this Nigerian fellow who has been on trial. We need a big performance tomorrow. Something tells me the team are all really, as you English say "Up from it" Let the terrace chants ring out!!

Earlier this week Abram has been sending Dmitri over to how you say “have the word” with the current man in charge. We shall be watching to see how he reacts

I am hearing that FC Bury have put up some very bad performances in the last 2 league games and in the LBV cup game. Time for Anders Prest to wield the big pole, I am thinking

Trousersnake is telling me he won’t be able to send me the team names this week. He says everybody is hoping they won’t get picked!

This week my man up the inside is responding to my request for terrace chants. I am practicing these in my private office with some of my senior employees, and look forward to joining in when we finally take over the club. He has sent me these in phonetics so we can get the local accent right

He says this one is very popular and can be used at all times during the match

“Bluh – dee roo-bish Burree”

and this one is for shouting when Anders Prest or anyone in his team displays some graceful and elegant movement that characterise the Beautiful Game as it is played at FC Bury

“Dizz-grace Preece! Ree-zyne-man!”

I can just imagine these chants coming across loud and clear in the big Derby game against FC Roch Fail. You can hear it in Swindon!

The old Xmas merchandise is shipping well, a Mr Justice and a Mr B have ordered their slimfit shorts this week. Meanwhile, I've been hard at work up here in the frozen wastes with fellow Consortium member Wim Bonus. He's just back from a fact-finding mission at FC Schott and has come back apparently with a miscellany of new formations and plans. Respect! Among the new styles we're working on is a fluid midfield 4 where there's a player hovering in front of the defence, two grafters, and a playmaker in front. Suits me down to the ground. As Wim tells me, I've always been a diamond geezer. Nuff said! Big up!

Think someone's been having a joke with me. I got a private memo enclosed in a lycra order asking how I'd fancy a long weekend in Paris Hilton. Well, if you've seen the tapes, you'll know what I was thinkin'! Thought I was gonna be livin it large an' no messin', bro'! Turns out I spent three days slummin' it in a dingy gaff off the Champs Elysees. I never have any luck, though if I go back in 2004, they reckon I'll be resident of the year.

Keep it real and live it large.

Trousersnake, my how you say “Spy in the tents” is faxing me this weeks team for the away match against FC Hulk. He says the opposition are all big lads, but sometimes they can appear a bit green

Again Trousersnake is writing in code to make sure the Reserve Team Coach doesn’t think he is leaking information. Like last week he is telling me that one of the midfield trio is a liability, but he still won’t tell me which one


Bestyn-Clubbe
Playden-Gresty
McLaren-Sloane
Firston-Lyst
Reardon-Bolton
Needin-Helpin
Runall-Gayme
Runalph-Gayme
Gifton-Ballaway
Lucan-Auld
Lucan-Greene

Subs
Gammie-Legge
Dunnall-Reddy
Sharpe-Shuter
MacGillicuddy-Reeks
McKytte-Reeks


Trousersnake is writing that MacGillycuddy-Reeks is Irish, and a bit of a man-mountain. Also apparently Haydn-Sikh and Young-Prospect are both long-term injured

When Trousersnake is giving me the late tip-off that the Bury players are not up for the performance today I have made a last ditch attempt to save some face. Through my publishing contacts I have got the Macks Field programme editor to show that they are playing Scunthorpe today. With a bit of luck that might deflect some of the criticism when FC Bury lose after a below-par performance

For security reasons Trousersnake is sending me this weeks team in French, which I realise afterwards must be his second language. Unfortunately I can’t speak French so I don’t understand the codenames

When he is telephoning me earlier he is telling me an interesting story about this weeks opponents, FC Macks Field. Apparently the team used to be called FC Moss Rose, until some years ago they got a Finnish Manager called Sammi Mack. This fellow brought some success to the team, but he is best remembered for the ground improvements he instigated. Eventually he left FC Moss Rose to return to his homeland and take over some Northern Island team (I think Trousersnake must be referring to Iceland here, or maybe one of the Faroe Island group) and as a tribute to him the Directors changed the name to FC Macks Field. Trousersnake says they like to weave about and show off their silky skills

My informant is also whispering that one of the midfield is a potential weak link, but since the names are in French, I can’t tell which one it is

Team against FC Macks Field

De Thame
Dugarry
Duphil
De Pendable
De Batable
De Fenceless
Passperone
Passpertout
Pastermack
De Gaffer
De Lackey

Subs
De Witte
Du Watt
De Linquent
De Generate
De Prospect

Respect to Arne Uldiron who made the long trip to Cheltenham for a private conference with me this week. Rumours are growing that Bury are tipping Andy Morrison to succeed the old Gaffer. Not if the consortium take over, he's out on his ass and no messing! Arne reassured me that William Christopher will be placed in charge of team affairs, and also that the club will be pushing to get DuPont in as main sponsors, to ensure an excess of lycra in the new club gear! Live it up!

Christmas is just around the corner, and Arne tells me he's keen to start getting the Consortium more in the public eye. Over a nice slab of damp squid, we have put phase 1 of the Sir William merchandise into play for Xmas; keep it real and live it large!

What's all this hogwash I've bin hearin' about some darn over-zealous stewards? When we take over this franchise, we're gonna bring in some real security, US of A style. Cattle prods and stunguns never harmed anyone, no sirree, just ask my cousin Tyree. His momma used to stun him regular as a bobcat on a diet of bran, and it never harmed the li'l rascal. Course he never did learn his letters, and he's bin in therapy since his 8th birthday, but that's just by the by.

If yer can't frisk your fans and haul their ass out of there faster than a snip from Lorena Bobbitt's scissors (you fellas know what I mean there) then yo'll be inundated with more darn redneck cussin' hillbilly's than Hicksville, Tennessee, yes sirree! We don't stand for no cussin' or frettin' here in deepest Texas, no mama - if those pussies can't stand the heat, send em runnin'.

Back to soccer, and I hear that the latest loan signing is out for 3 months with a bad shoulder. What kind o' poor-ass hokey medics you got over there in li'l ole England anyhow? As my friend Dr Alan B Wolfscales is fond of sayin', if you can't rack em, stack em, pack em and bag em within a week, they ain't worth savin'. Good to see the boys winning again last weekend, that gives them a division-leading ERA on the road.

Gotta haul ass, my friends. Tell Dmitri that ole One Eye says hi. Holla if yo hear me, and don't you go forgettin' now - a Bush in the hand is worth two minutes of anyone's time.

We've asked that Andy Morrison be put in charge of the reserves as he gears up for his chance in the hot seat during the summer.

His scottish charm, sincere manner and downright scariness meant that I had no choice but to accede when he turned up at my house a few weeks ago at 2am.

Mozo insists that he will return this club to the glory days that he knows I strive for. Our disappointing exit from the FA Cup means that we will find it difficult to get into Europe next season but I had a quick word with Gerard Aigner at UEFA HQ in Switzerland last week and should we wield this season's LDV Vans Shield it should yield a UEFA cup spot for next season.

Forza Bury!

My spy in the camp Trousersnake is away this week on International business. But he is telephoning me to explain something which has been bothering me for a while. Apparently Anders Prest has had a big crackdown on unofficial information leaking from the dressing room, especially from the reserve team players. And he has appointed a new henchman to ensure his orders are carried out. Seemingly this fellow is, how you say, built like a brick boathouse. So Trousersnake is telling me he has been using code names for the team sheets he has been sending me. This explains why, when I used to get my copy of the MEN through the post, their match reports seemed to be talking about an entirely different team!

No news of our Saudi based investor. He seems to have gone to ground, or maybe even the training ground? I hope he was not, how you say, holding a laugh. Abram doesn’t like people making the fool from him, as Dmitri has been known to point out, from close range

Team against FC Norse Hampton & Cobblers; Trousersnake tells me we are up against eleven big lads

Greenfingers
Dislocant
Cartilege
Poisonleg
Deadleg
Brokenleg
Versatile
Volatile
Schematic
Pneumatic
Rheumatic

Subs
A. Windsor
Wynne
Whenall
Seddon
Dunn

Which one is pneumatic? Is it the boy with the big jugs, this fellow they call Melinda?

I am receiving Trousersnake's first player profile report which is about this boy that they call Ports. I think his real name is Kris Supporter and he is scoring lots of goals for FC Bury. Trousersnake tells me that Ports used to represent British Students; apparently he used to get up every day in time to watch Carol Waterman on Countdown, then spent the rest of the day drinking beer and vodka shots in the college bar, interspersed with txting his m8s on his moby. Even now, although he is not a proper student, he still gives monosyllabic answers to any questions

Interesting news regarding our consortium membership. We have had an approach from a potential new investor based in Saudi Arabia. Apparently he is big in the oil business, but also has personal experience of playing professional football at youth team level. Of course we will not be letting any Tom, Dick or Henning into our consortium but I am feeling he could be a big asset, although Abram is not so sure and is sending someone round to , how you say, have a word in his kneecaps


Just in from Trousersnake, team for Saturday's game against FC Bristols


Thrower
Oldman
Overhill
Pastit
Underfit
Whelan
Hitchen
Rawtenstall
Branch
Winters
Ports

Subs

Douglas-Pringle
Douglas-Bader
Douglas-Esplanade
Douglas-Pineforest
Douglas-Dakota

Strassveechi my lanky boys and girls!

I am feeling as full of gun with the Stolichnaya and herrings - very warm and enjoying good massages from the hotel twins.

I have been reading this website board from the Bury. What a hooty! This Bury is more lawless than Chechnya! A steward punches a fan - a Policeman has his head taken away - the fans call for the manager's head!

And what about this Judge who has an opinion on everything? Who is bribing this idiot?!

I have decided to send Dmitri in under deep cover to get the inside stories on who is doing who. I have bought him a big yellow jacket as I understand this is the favourite terrace fashions. I have told him no deaths but the kneecaps and gentle Chinese burns would be proper way of getting information.

Hmmmm. Aaaaagh... ooooooooo. I tell you boys. If you have never had twins you are not knowing much.

Lastly tovarichmees. I am much worried by the Arab person. Is he one of Osama Bin Laden front people? Is he real rich playboy type?

Or is he a club insider trying to drive up share price? Dmitri will be there soon...

I've been hearin' about some strange goings on over there in li'l ole England; Arne tells me that animals and men in funny outfits have been taking over the place. Not only is there a man dressed up in one of them there hee-haw policemen uniforms, there's a Mr Wolf and an Alan Bee, who make strange braying noises form the stands. Is this a soccer stadium or a zoo?

It's darn fine to see that the coaches have got things running better from the sidelines now. The ERA is going up and with the back ends tightening up, there's a chance that Andy Preece can be totally offensive from now on.

There is something that disturbs me and makes me madder than a coyote that's been hammered with an ACME anvil, and that's the presence of two darn Canucks in the team. If there's one thing that gets my goat more than an early shutout at the Redneck Joe's BBQ House of Ribs, it's sports players from across the border. Stick to hockey, eh, and leave a man's game to your tougher cosuins in England.

We need more cheerleaders to pep up the fans. I've been hearing that there's one cheerleader that's been making waves among the fans, maybe we can get her to muck in and sort out the catering. Make mine a pastrami bagel with extra cheesy steak. Yes sirree bob!

Trousersnake. That brings back memories of when I used to really live it large in my days at Plymouth. I used to tip those scales (of justice?) at a whopping 10 pounds! There's nothing like a tight lycra-clad packet to earn you a regular starting place in the side, particularly when you can play in all the positions!

Hello FC Bury supporters! I am back from my business trip to NYC, where I have been learning some amusing new catchphrases to use when our takeover is complete. Bada-bing Bury! Hey Preecy, fuhgeddaboudit!!

As I told you before, my new friends are running a family business. They are keen to expand into the UK and I have told them that when our takeover is complete some of their junior family members can have jobs at Giggland, wearing the big yellow jackets

Good news; I have got a new man in the dressing room, after that unfortunate business with Thor Bentley. I can't reveal his name at this time, it must be strictly a "needing to know" basis. I shall call him Trousersnake for the moment. I have asked him to send me reports on the players like Thor used to do, and also give me the team news. So with this inside knowledge I will once again be a proper "Man in the knowings"

Here is Trousersnake's team for tomorrows big Cup game against FC RochFail

Titchmarsh
R. Singaround-Allday
Journeyman
Oldster
Youngster
Whelan
Hitchen
Alconbrook
Precinct
Ports
Mouth

Subs
Scales
Allenby
Wolfbrothers
Rothanwalker
Philbanpaulam

Which one is Mouth? That must be a nickname I am thinking. Maybe it is the boy Sedoni who is telling everybody about his fantastic goal against FC Darling Town

Phew! Dobreeya djin everyone. It´s good to be back in the living land. My eternal thanks to Dmitri and the boys for getting me sprung from that filthy prison in Khazakstan. Believe me those scrawny Kvass drinking roustabouts haven´t heard the last from me - or Dmitri.

I am recuperating on the yacht just outside Greece where I am setting up a black market for antibiotics for passing cruise ships strucken by "food poisoning" - hee hee. I am solly but it seems our great Glyn Goalkeeper may have accidentally have tested it for us.

Back to the football business. Preist seems to be getting his act together with a great win at the Reynolds Stadium - that Darlo chairman is pretty small fry for an international crook but he has the right idea with the midnight kneecappings.

I wish I could get permission from Mr Bliar to come to the UK without another arresting time but I think this man Howard might get rid of the filthy communists do you not think? He is the son of Romanians and brother of the manure Goalkeeper - what more do the tories have to do?


Good luck tomorrow against the Yo Villas and take another step towards the era of the Consortium. If we can really find out who owns the Bury club we will be a long way to the takeover!

It has come to my attention that some of the information I have been receiving from Thor Bentley has been unreliable. I have made arrangements to have him removed. I will not tolerate employees, how you say, taking the mockery in this manner

Good news my friends! Abram phoned to tell me that the guy who was arrested is not really the richest man in Russia; Abram and his pals let him say that, just to take the heat off them. Things have come to a pretty passage when you can't take over a state industry without being accused of dodgy dealings

Thor will not be playing tomorrow; he is, how you say, under the climate. But he is giving me the team for tomorrows game against FC Yo Villa who are a new team from Summersault. Again some new names; where is FC Bury getting this money from I wonder? Although I see the midfield is looking a bit more settled

Montidon
M. Ogadon
S. Mogmonster
D. Wales
R. Singabout
Whelan
Hitchen
Holmes
Forssell
Afletixa
Ports

Subs
Preece
Still
Incumbent
Yabbu
Sukks



Thor is telling me that Afletixa is an Albanian U21 International currently claiming refugee status. Apparently his first name is Hoxa

I am taking a trip to New York (the city that never slips) to meet with some New Jersey businessmen that Abram introduced me to. Like Abram and me, these gentlemen run a family enterprise. So I will miss hearing about the LBV cup game against FC Uldham. But I will be back to catch up on the news about the game that is getting the FC Bury fans very excited, the FA cup game against local rivals FC Rochport Fail. I am not familiar with this place but Thor is telling me it is just a small town in Heywood

Let's go Bury! Upwards is the only way!!

I can confirm that after a meeting of the 1903 committee Andy Preece did not receive the requisite 25 letters that would precipitate a vote of no-confidence in his management.

We would like to clarify that the fire at the polling station where the letters were being counted is currently being investigated by the relevant authorities and the board will consider Andy's position only after the report has been received. For the time being his job is safe.

In other news, the smell of ZIP fire lighters that has been reported at the club has been tracked down to a particular office and has now been removed. The offender has been fined accordingly and warned over his future conduct

In further news, Andy Preece has distanced himself from any controversy by moving out of his office complaining of an unknown but pungent smell. We'll keep you informed if there are any further developments on any of these three (unconnected) stories. All this never happened in my day.

Forza Bury!

Nobody has heard from Abram for over 2 weeks. Now I am reading that Russia's richest man has been arrested. This could be a setback for our Consortium plans

Lots of news to report from the frozen wastes this week.

On the pitch, we continue to slump, and despite Dennis Booth taking over as assistant boss, I'm hopeful that I'll be in a position of power come Christmas. No problems. All I need to do is keep my head down.

Back to my old stomping ground of Huddersfield tomorrow, can't wait - the fans love me there! Fond memories of being nicknamed "Getoff" and hearing 15,000 Yorkshire voices raised as one in salute - "Getoff Billy, Getoff Billy". Great days. Of course that was when Neil was in charge. Lovely man, but he never approved of my extra-curricular activities and my stunt-double work on the Full Monty for the "lunchbox" character. Crazy days! Had to use a lot of whitener, let me tell you!

Off the field, some exciting times are ahead as I have begun work on my autobiography - "Billy's Extended Diary". It's full of mishaps and accidents, as you'd expect, together with in-depth coaching instructions about running around for 90 minutes and trying the through ball from every angle. I was starting to coach young Terry at Gigg in the art of the slide rule pass, but now my sources tell me that he's resorted to tippety tap football with his old mate Glenn Whelan. Shame. That boy had loads of potential, guv. There's also some useful tips for the journeyman pro, such as how to make yourself number 1, 2 and 3 on the teamsheet, by playing in all positions and training up as a sub keeper.

Back to the fans, and up here in the North, there's another new chant going round. I've got a new shirt number now that I've moved clubs, and the fans love it!
"8 Chris Billy, only 8 Chris Billy" they sing, in those adorable Cumbrian accents. Bliss! Keep it real, live it large!

It's all horseradish! Pete tells me that to you English, "goal" means many things. It means when you put that li'l round ball between the sticks, it also means the area behind the sticks, and somethin' else besides, darn it! 6000th goal? The first goal should be to win some points, and get that ball past the last defensive end, squeeze it through the tight end - touchdown!

I'm told that Bury's ERA for the week is 0. ZERO! Darn it all to tarnation, that's poorer than ma li'l brother Del Jr, whose steak emporium went South faster than a steer with a spear stuck in its ear. Whoa boys!

If I was this here Preece character, I'd be telling ma boys to stand up and salute to Dixie, or whatever thuh hell flag they have over there at Gigg Lane. Gigg Lane? Knock it down and build me a freeway, if it's not got 75,000 seats and a roof, it ain't worth the tarmacadam it's built on.

I also hear that the fans - the li'l Giggers - are rebelling against the price of a corn dog. Three dollars I'm hearin' for a pack of li'l sweeties. Darn it, get that stadium supply franchised to a proper American retail outlet; if you can't stick it on rye and smother it in homestyle ranch dressing and BBQ sauce, it ain't worth havin'.

Take it easy now y'hear.

My spy in the dressing room Thor Bentley is excited about tomorrow's game against FC Darling Town. He is telling me that the FC Bury Manager Mr Anders Prest is hoping to score his 6000th goal in football. I am reading on the Official Message Board that Mr Prest is one of FC Bury's oldest surviving players but even so I am thinking this is surprisingly big number. However the mystery is solved when Thor tells me that this includes every goal Mr Prest has ever scored, including in the primary school playground using wool pullovers for goalposts, the Wolf Cubs, on the beach during his holidays, and also when playing Subbuteo on his kitchen table, and Championship Manager on his League Manager's Association laptop computer

Thor is giving me the teamsheet, but once again I am not recognising some of these names. I am thinking that FC Bury must have a very big squad. I shall have to investigate this when our takeover is complete. For some reason Thor has scribbled "The Irish back four all play rights, why can't we?" I am not really understanding this remark

Team against FC Darling Town

Dimmock
Synge
Wild
Shaw
Beckett
Whelan
Hitchin
Bridge-Street
Ramsbottom
Channel
Ports

Subs

Wilmichael
Portaloo
Challenge
Duncan
Smith

Thor is sending me the teamsheet for tomorrows game against FC Oxbridge. I don't recognise all of these names. I am beginning to wonder if Thor is, as you english say, pulling my legs off

Gardener
Kinnell
Pullover
Ducks-Bury
Wales
Rigobert Sing
Wheelers
Tappers
Shunters
Cinque
Ports


Subs
Sedoni, Thor, Tom, Ken & Eddy

Lunsworth and Woodpecker are suspended

Nepotism? Darn it all to tarnation, we are all brothers here in the Consortium. Here in Texas we pride ourselves on family reunions, my own family get togethers are damn fine affairs, yes sirree. There's my cousin "6 finger" Molly who married her little bro', old Uncle Yeller - tell you the truth, that old coot's madder than a rattlesnake in a box of wildcats, yes sirree bob! Holla if you hear what I'm sayin'!

Back to this here Bury FC. I have submitted a first application to change the name to the Bury FC DiamondRazorOaklandOrioleStampeders. (Bury FC D.R.O.S.S. for short). Kinda catchy ain't it? Arne has sent me a fax to tell me about a proposed team outfit made up of supporters. I think that's a darn tootin' idea, y'all, and I hope y'all will be signing up, y'hear? One Pete Zaparla, there's only one Pete Zaparla*!

* except o'course for the all-in-one bar-b-q pizza warehouse on Starbuck Avenue here in Texas

This week Thor's report is telling me about the talented young right back whose career has been blighted by injury. His name is Matty Barrows and I am smiling as I read about his brave attitude in response to his injury, his plucky performances and his variety of haircuts

However my face is hardening as I am reading that he is the son of Mister Graham Barrows, the Assistant Manager. This is not the first time I have read disturbing reports that FC Bury is riddled with nepotism

I take this sort of thing very seriously. When our takeover is complete and I have installed my daughter Rusty Uldiron as Chief Executive I shall instruct her to carry out a thorough investigation into the extent of nepotism at Giggland

Make no mistake about this; I detest nepotism and so does everyone here at Uldiron Family Enterprises

Thor is telephoning me to clarify a misunderstanding I have made during his last report. Apparently when I thought he said the Manager had signed a wool pullover he actually said he has signed a centre back called Bill Gulliver. And apparently this fellow played very well yesterday during FC Bury's victory, so it remains for me to say....

Well played Bill! and well done Mr Anders Prest!

Thor is also telling me that there is a FC Bury Message Board and I have been reading some of the fans messages. There seem to be a lot of new ones posted by new young fans who speak some kind of strange shorthand language with no vowels. It may be popular with the young peoples, but I can't understand a fkng wrd of it

I have a bad feeling about tomorrow. I was in the "Lashed on Hash" Coffeeshop in Amsterdam with my best friend Mongulay the Adder having a little Shmoke, when he say that the 5-4-1 formation that Andy wants to use will not work.

I have impressed upon Andy that the TOTAL 2 (Triumph Over Technology At Least x 2) Football that I refined from the TOTAL football that we implemented at Torquay will work... Andy says that his tactics (or did he say tic tacs) would win the day. We weren't impressed but by God these shmokes are good stuff.

The authorities at London Airport wouldn't let me through when I tried to meet up with the team at their Cambridgeshire hotel. They reckon whilst I can have some for personal use, 50 kilos is far too much. So much for your new laws.

See you at the home game. Mongulay is coming too!

What in the holy hell has a new jumper got to do with soccer? These Englishmen need their heads rattling. Give them an all-in-one synthetic fibre bodysuit like our gridiron players don, or some of those lycra shorts. They chafe you up like a suckling pig in a mud-hole, and no mistake. Yes sirree bob, they'll get you crackling louder than a bronco on heat.

Can someone tell me what pre-match regime these here fellers using, because it seems to be darn useless, dang it. Give them thick steaks, cooked Texan style to put some fire in their bellies. If this team is to figure in the end-season, we need to make a move now! Get on the offence, yes sirree, and tell that Preece feller that playing 5 in the line of defence is inviting trouble in the event of a shootout.

Thor is telephoning me late last night but the line is very poor. I think he said Anders Prest has signed a wool pullover. I am not fully understanding this. Is it a celebrity autographed item for a charity auction? How much money would anybody pay for a jumper signed by the FC Bury Manager? This is very curious

I'm sure he also said this wool pullover would be on the bench at tomorrow's game. Is this something to do with the horrible sweater that the worst player has to wear after a training session? This is good for player morale but I don't understand why Thor sounded so excited about it on the telephone

There are more important matters, like when will Anders Prest sign a centre back on loan. Why doesn't he ask the Premiership Clubs if they have any good reserve players who would play for FC Bury? The Manager should be concentrating on this rather than writing his name on some stupid piece of knitwear. Get your axe together Mister Prest!!!!

This week Thor is telling me about the boy who plays central defence for FC Bury, this fellow Dennis Wales. Thor says he is named this because he was born in Wales which is a very poor part of England. Glynn Gardener is also coming from there and so is Simon Waley the exciting young winger. Thor tells me Wales is very like Scandinavia; it always cold, it rains all the time, there are lakes and mountains, and the people are all speaking a peculiar sing-a-song language

I am learning that Dennis has shaved his head, which means he looks very scary and also makes him very good at the bullet header. He is scoring goals with his head at both ends of the pitch, sometimes even during the same half

Dennis is very popular with the FC Bury fans who like to shout at him during the games. I am learning these shouts from Thor, so I can join in when we complete our takeover and I am on the terracings being a proper fan. "Tackle 'im Dennis boyo! Man on, look you!! Unlucky Dennis, there's lovely!!!"

Thor is telling me the team for saturday's match against FC Bainbridge, which is a team of shop assistants from Newcastle


Gardener

Kinnell Wales Ducks-Bury Woodman Sing-a-song

Thor Paolo Dunners

Ports Lemons


Subs

Jo Neil
Waley
Lunsworth
Prest-bury
Gunboat

Why don't the fans like me? Don't they know I'll be their player of the season next year? Keeping it real, living it large in training this week, we've been to Wastwater!

Howdy y'all,

My good friend Pete has been in touch regarding this here Consortium you guys have put together. Sounds rootin-tootin darn fun if y'ask my o-pinion.

Del Starbuck here, Texan by birth, International by reputation, yes sirree bob. 20 percent shareholder in the Oilers, looking to franchise out worldwide. My pal Pete tells me you fellers been lookin' for a British soccer team to pur-chase, and I've been hearin' things about this here Bury FC. Sounds like a viable business interest to me, tax purposes an' all.

I'm prepared to put up some Yankee dollars to back this little enterprise, and I have a few darn fine ideas of my own, and if they ain't winners my name's not plastered across the Oilers billboards 24-7.

Firstly, let me tell you folks, soccer's very much my game. Yes sirree. I like to swing a bat and hit a homer like the next Texan, but when it comes to the bee-oo-tiful game, there's not a Yankee with more fire than me. I just love those fancy dan players and the game. I love the overtimes, the intermissions and that bald Italian umpire, yes sirree!

Now there's only one things that gets me madder than a rattlesnake in the woodpile, and that's this here darn offsides rule. It seems to me that your fast receivers can go beyond the line of attack without penalization, but if the quarterback in possession sends a bomb to him, he's called back and there's some penalization that occurs. Is that right? What a darn stupid rule. Who made that one up? Over here in the U S of A, we like our receivers to be fast and direct, and hang those defensive ends!

Anyways, that's by the by, yes sirree, now let's look at ways to franchise this Baby.

1. Number 1 on the list, we've got to ditch the name. Bury? Bury my ass, if you'll excuse my Texan. Who wants to support l'il ol' Bury when you have the Razorbacks, the Oilers, the darn Red Sox if you will. We need to sex up this baby, yes sirree bob.

Bury AstroDiamondBackOilers, sounds like the ticket, if y'all catch my drift. Make it punchy, make it slick, give those punters something to put on those replica shirts.

2. Image. Make it stars and stripes, make it loud. No more plain white strips, we need red and blue and gold. Big swirls of colour. Make it diamonds and pearls, baby.

3. The interactive experience. Now believe you me, we Yanks know how to make a spectacle of ourselves, ma'am. No-one wants 2 boring 45 minute periods! Make it 6 15 minute innings, give the crowds a mid-inning stretch and get the pom-pom girls out in force. Firecrackers, by jiminy, let's haul ass and kick it to it. Touchdown, AstroDiamondBackOilers!

4. Give them folks pastrami, give them rye, give them 50 topping ice cream, but feed them, water them and rake in the consumer dollar. Move the franchise to one of these new modern towns I been reading about. Melton Mowbray, or Milton Keynes. If you build it, they will come. You can bet your ass on that! We moved the Athletics, the Flames and the Raiders, goddamit! No one moves the Damn Yankees, of course.

5. Buy those top players and haul ass to tie them in to multi-year deals. Who needs players who walk after one season with a low ERA? We want players who will score many touchdowns year on year, give us those MVPs and assists! Buy the best and pay them top dollar!

I gotta haul ass out of here, I got a high-powered conference call with Ted, Bill and Donald at the Waco Steakhouse. I'll catch you boys later, yes sirree.

I see that the FC Bury message boards are not operating. As a public service to all you Bury fans I have told Thor to fax me the team for tomorrows game which is in Turkey. I am worrying that this is almost as long a journey as going to Boston a few weeks ago. I hope the team are using Abrams Lear Jet

I think Thor uses his own names for the players, because I am not knowing who they all are. But I have told him to keep sending me a report on one of his team-mates very week while our Consortium negotiations are in place.Some of the things I have read so far in his reports are very interesting

Team for tomorrows game in Turkey

Gardener

Kinnell Wales Ducks-Bury Woodpecker Sing

Thor Wheelers Dealers

Ports Starboard

Subs

Prest-bury
Gumboil
Whaleboat
Sedoni
Weaky

Thor says there is a chance that Dennis Wales will not be fit, so Weaky will play. Paolo is suspended, which apparently happens Fivetimes every season

I am hearing good things about this midfield captain fellow who played very well in defence against FC Yorkshire on Tuesday night. His name is Lee Ducks-Bury. Thor is telling me that this fellow changes his name every time he changes Football club. So previously he has been called Lee Ducks-Uldham and Lee Ducks-Udersfeld

I am very impressed with this commitment to the team that is paying his wages. I think all of the players should follow this example, starting with Mister Anders Prest-Bury and his assistant Mister Graham Barrows-Bury. But I am thinking that Paolo Shaugnessy-Bury would not sell many shirts with his name on!

Is funny, yes? I am getting the grip of this English sense of humour!

Ah... my first training session with the boys has paid dividends. The pass and move, using my Try, Offer, Tease At Length (TOTAL) football techniques I have honed in the Netherlands really paid off against York City Football Club last night.

Looking forward to Cannes, St Tropez and Monte Carlo on Saturday. Sure, I joke! I know that Torquay is not on THAT riviera! How do you say it... Tally Ho, pip, pip, what-o!

"No our next manager, although local, will come from somewhere a little further North" - posted by Online Shaker on the official Bury message board

Gentlemen, we have been rumbled. Misinformation needs to be stepped up. Pete Zaparla, your time has come ...

It was perishing in the frozen wastelands this weekend. Swansea outplayed us from ball one, and to be honest it was only the warm comforting presence of the old lycra shorts that kept me toasty. I have a new secret means of keeping out the cold and one which will raise our funds to boot. A Buffy lycra crop top. 45 of your English pounds for new, 10% to the club, the rest to the Consortium. We have a money spinner.

I used to own a Pet Shop Boys record, but I dropped and broke it the first time I took it out of the packaging. Shame. I can remember thinking what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this.

Keep it real, live it large.

My lovely wife Loda is finding out many historical things about her soon-to-be new English club. When she and Irina take over as new Queens of the Boardroom they will be full of the FC Bury knowledge

Some of the things she is discovering are amazing! For instance Loda tells me that Bury's last Manager was a fellow called Neil Tennant, and that he went on to manage Burnley Rovers, FC United Sheffield and is now the lead singer with The Pet Shop Boys

I am thinking we should capitalise on this connection and get our former Manager to hold a big concert at Giggland. Perhaps we could get a big Scandinavian act to co-headline. This will be one of my first priorities when we finally take over the club. This is better than a sign on the road, yes?

I am hearing of another bad performance at Giggland on Saturday. My Consortium technical colleagues Wim Bonus and William Christopher will be getting, how you say, itchy finger nails. I think by the way that Wim Bonus will be a very good for our Consortium. He has a lot in common with William. Abram tells me he is very big in the Nether Regions

Wim is telling me an English joke about William Christopher but Loda and I do not understand your English sense of humours. It goes like this..

"How does William Christopher like his bacon to be cooked?"
"Chris Billy!"

Like I say I am not understanding this for sure. I think maybe it loses something in the translation

Thor tells me Bury are playing FC Yorkshire tomorrow. Come on Mister Prest, we need at least 3 points!

Never fear, Wim is here! Hey, how you doing? My name's Wim Bonus and I have been in the Nederlands for 18 years helping teams such as Excelsior and Heerenveen stay in the top flight of Dutch football however after my controversial sacking last season I am ready for the challenge of football in Engeland.

Sure I am hearing of Andy's departure from my contacts soon and I want to bring my brand of total football to these shores. Sure.

The new consortium about to take over the club will bring, how do you say, fire at the end of the hole. With Wim in charge you have no fears.

I am asking my man in the dressing room Thor Bentley to send me reports on the Bury players. I know about Lee Kinnell but I am now interested in the Italian-Irish boy who plays in midfield, this fellow Paolo Shaugnessy

Thor tells me he combines latin looks with an Irish boyband haircut. Thor saw him doing karaoke in the players lounge and says Paolo is a better singer than Ronan Keating, but not as good a footballer

Of course the Bury fans are loving his latin temperament and Irish workrate in midfield. Thor says they call him Fivetimes because that is the number of times he will get sent off in a normal season

Thanks to Thor I am learning the Bury fans nicknames and favourite chants for each player. Forza Paolo! Good man yerself!! Ya big eejit!!!

Of course we are having a big tradition of Irish sports stars here in Scandinavia. Two of our recent motor sports champions have been Irish-Scandinavians, Mick O'Hackernan, and his brother in law Tim O'Mackernan. Bejasus, for sure!

I see Manchester City are playing in the UEFA Cup tonight. That could be us at the end of this season. I have fond memories of an FA Cup run and I reckon we could win it this season with just a couple of additions to the squad. What are Jeremy Goss or Ruel Fox doing these days. Linking up with Woody would be a great idea!

Forza Bury!

Respect to the new directorial man, Millsy. When we get Cyril Boon in as well, it'll be a real fairytale with Millsy and Boony. It's just like the Spice Girls isn't it - when five become six. Of course the Spices are not my scene, it's a big up for Lute-L, the Yorkshire rapper, and that man Notorious all the way.

There's nothing wrong with a Merc, Mr Neville fitted me up nicely.

Had a quick chat with Simmo today, am taking training this week lads. Moving on up. Fingers are starting to be pointed in our direction from the Bury fans, have you noticed? Keep it real. Live it large.

Phew! It is hot here in Puerto Banus. Luckily Irina was persuaded to bring Katrina along to help keep me cool.

The Consortium are beginning to make our move. We have put up a Director to join the club and he will the Moleman for our influences. This Neville Neville Neville man is proving mysterious. I had him checked out by Dmitri but Dmitri (who normally doesn't go for the discussion much) came back having been sold a new Mercedes!

I have had my money peoples crunching the numbers and - hey - how do you guys stay in business?! It should be easy to buy the club but I want us to be the Real Madrid of East Lankyshire. I don't think we can do this thing by putting the poster board at the bottom of Grigg Lane.

Still, I have asked those tatu girls to send me a big poster of them doing the rude things and we will sure attract the attention! I would like to put those bums on my seat anyday!

Pull your socks up Mr Priest. Glenda Hoddle is available and I can afford him....

Keep the face you Mighty Stalkers!