After the disappointing news regarding the eel pie eaters (what is all that about?) I have had several meetings with my associates on the yacht. I have asked them to come up with costed and working plans for the following:

1 Identify the most difficult games to come and bribe the umpires.

2 Sign up a deal with Prada to provide the "handbags" that we apparently get involved with a lot and sell of each of the twenty paces where the handbags are used to blue chip multinationals. This should bring in enough to pay off the umpires.

3 I don't like yellow. Why can we not appeal to the authorities and get some snazzy silver cards for our guys?

4 Our netminder seems to be the business. Can we sell him to that crook at Chelsea?

I can't tell you how excited I am at this football business. I will be able to write of £100,000,000 of tax liabilities and use some of it to bring caviar and iced vodka to the terraces and samovars to the dressing rooms.

Another thing before cocktail hour strikes. My full name is Abram Romanovic Romanovic. If you translate my family name into English it means......Neville Neville.

How about that my Lanky friends?!

Did you watch the European Super Cup tonight? Its not a patch on the UEFA Cup run that my former team (well under my stewardship) went on some years ago, but it is where I want Bury to be in twelfty years time.

Forza Bury!

Hurdygurdy everyone. I have moved one of my Scandinavian players into your reserve team. He is Thor Bentley, named after the Swedish God of luxury cars. I think he will do very good for Bury FC. He has as you English say a "well left foot"

Being a former premiership chairman I can see the value of having Anna in our ranks, the t-shirt idea being a particularly good one!, however my UEFA Cup experience leads me to believe that getting a mediterranean fancy dan would be better because they give the old folk in the ground (and having seen the demographic breakdown at Bury, there's a lot of them!) a chance to tell us how it was never like that in their day.

I was thinking of Socrates or maybe Ossie Ardiles.... what are they upto these days?

Forza Ossie, Forza Bury!

Who are you calling Lanky? I'll have you know I'm built like a government mule, particularly downstairs. Abram, your Kournikova idea rules, my man, but you may not be aware that Bury already have a player renowned for his jugs. Gareth Seddon. Build the team round a hard-working midfield journeyman utility player, and pop Seddon up front. He's the pin-up poster boy we need. Tell you what though, it's cold up here in the frozen North. Bet Arne Uldiron knows a thing or two about winterwarmers. Fur-lined cycle shorts do the trick here. Keep it real, live it large.

Hello all you crazy Lanky guys and Gals,

I don't know whether its the iced pepper vodka talking but I've had this crazy idea right!

Why don't we sign that Anna Kournikova? We would make a fortune from the T shirts and Calendar and I know she's not got a lot up front but neither have the team! Ha!

Incidentally, Don't tell the Preeceyman but I have had lunch with Sven and he would be willing to come to Grog Lane when he has won the Euro Champ with the England. He has given me a list of real good players to buy but I am thinking I need to get the fans on my back back first so they love me.

Do you think this will be hard at Grog Lane?

The inside track up here (strictly need to know of course) is that the Gaffer is on his way soon. We need a hard-working box-to-box experienced pro in the driving seat. Think I'd quite fancy that. Yeah, the Gaffe. That's me. Sorry for not posting this earlier, but I've had a bit of a misfortune with the old cycling shorts. Very chafing. Done nothing for my fridge magnates I can tell you. By the way, I have it on very good authority from my Shaker contacts that Graham Barrow has been seen moving his furniture out. Keep it real, live it large.

Stracveechi tovareeschami and dobreeya djin,

I am much looking forward to the consortium taking over your lovely leetle team. I will show that Abramovic gangster who can waste the most money! I am so honoured to be involved with this historic club. Is it far from London? I will not be able to be there for your next game against the Newby as I will be cruising in the Mediterranean. However I have asked Dmitri and the boys to crack him one on the skull so he will not disturb your centre halves with the demon headers!

Dosveedanya!
Abram Romanivic

Hello fellow Bury FC fans! This is Arne Uldiron. From Norway I am coming, with big interests in oil and shipping. My company Uldiron is also Norways biggest manufacturer of refrigerators. You could say I am an oil, shipping and fridge magnate. I want to invest in the English League and I see Bury FC as the way forward. My plan is to get some hard working Scandinavian players into the team.

In my private life I am walking, and also listening to pop musics. Of course I am liking Abba and Aha. But I also like to keep up with the young peoples. Whitney Spears and Jason Timberlake, yeah!

I hold an influential position at a neighbouring football club of similiar standing to Bury. My experience has affirmed that small local clubs can simply not survive in the current climate of professional football. I'm confident that your consortium will find my proposal to merge a number of local league clubs of interest.

I'm sure your consortium realises that the way forward is through mergers, as bigger is better. There is no future in Nationwide League football but together we can take on the Premiership and even into Europe. Supporters do not need to be consulted anymore - Money men such as your goodselves run this game now. I'll be in touch again soon.

Gents,

My final season has started perfectly according to plan. Having moved from Target Club A to a regional outpost, I find myself fully able to influence the downward spiral from here. 4 games, 4 defeats. Phase 1 is up and running. Keep it real, live it large.

Welcome to The Consortium. I think I better introduce myself. My name's Pete Zaparla and I'm the former chairman of a former Premiership team and I think that this club represents a great chance for us to reward the Bury public with a premiership team of their own.

I have a vision where Bury FC becomes the lynchpin of the town and community, harnessing the power that that can create and put Bury back on the footballing map. Those halcyon days of 1900 and 1903 will return and I hope that, together with the rest of The Consortium, we can bring the good times rolling in and Bury can surge up the leagues with the verve and passion we have witnessed in the short time that we have been involved with the club.

Forza Bury!