"No our next manager, although local, will come from somewhere a little further North" - posted by Online Shaker on the official Bury message board

Gentlemen, we have been rumbled. Misinformation needs to be stepped up. Pete Zaparla, your time has come ...

It was perishing in the frozen wastelands this weekend. Swansea outplayed us from ball one, and to be honest it was only the warm comforting presence of the old lycra shorts that kept me toasty. I have a new secret means of keeping out the cold and one which will raise our funds to boot. A Buffy lycra crop top. 45 of your English pounds for new, 10% to the club, the rest to the Consortium. We have a money spinner.

I used to own a Pet Shop Boys record, but I dropped and broke it the first time I took it out of the packaging. Shame. I can remember thinking what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this.

Keep it real, live it large.

My lovely wife Loda is finding out many historical things about her soon-to-be new English club. When she and Irina take over as new Queens of the Boardroom they will be full of the FC Bury knowledge

Some of the things she is discovering are amazing! For instance Loda tells me that Bury's last Manager was a fellow called Neil Tennant, and that he went on to manage Burnley Rovers, FC United Sheffield and is now the lead singer with The Pet Shop Boys

I am thinking we should capitalise on this connection and get our former Manager to hold a big concert at Giggland. Perhaps we could get a big Scandinavian act to co-headline. This will be one of my first priorities when we finally take over the club. This is better than a sign on the road, yes?

I am hearing of another bad performance at Giggland on Saturday. My Consortium technical colleagues Wim Bonus and William Christopher will be getting, how you say, itchy finger nails. I think by the way that Wim Bonus will be a very good for our Consortium. He has a lot in common with William. Abram tells me he is very big in the Nether Regions

Wim is telling me an English joke about William Christopher but Loda and I do not understand your English sense of humours. It goes like this..

"How does William Christopher like his bacon to be cooked?"
"Chris Billy!"

Like I say I am not understanding this for sure. I think maybe it loses something in the translation

Thor tells me Bury are playing FC Yorkshire tomorrow. Come on Mister Prest, we need at least 3 points!

Never fear, Wim is here! Hey, how you doing? My name's Wim Bonus and I have been in the Nederlands for 18 years helping teams such as Excelsior and Heerenveen stay in the top flight of Dutch football however after my controversial sacking last season I am ready for the challenge of football in Engeland.

Sure I am hearing of Andy's departure from my contacts soon and I want to bring my brand of total football to these shores. Sure.

The new consortium about to take over the club will bring, how do you say, fire at the end of the hole. With Wim in charge you have no fears.

I am asking my man in the dressing room Thor Bentley to send me reports on the Bury players. I know about Lee Kinnell but I am now interested in the Italian-Irish boy who plays in midfield, this fellow Paolo Shaugnessy

Thor tells me he combines latin looks with an Irish boyband haircut. Thor saw him doing karaoke in the players lounge and says Paolo is a better singer than Ronan Keating, but not as good a footballer

Of course the Bury fans are loving his latin temperament and Irish workrate in midfield. Thor says they call him Fivetimes because that is the number of times he will get sent off in a normal season

Thanks to Thor I am learning the Bury fans nicknames and favourite chants for each player. Forza Paolo! Good man yerself!! Ya big eejit!!!

Of course we are having a big tradition of Irish sports stars here in Scandinavia. Two of our recent motor sports champions have been Irish-Scandinavians, Mick O'Hackernan, and his brother in law Tim O'Mackernan. Bejasus, for sure!

I see Manchester City are playing in the UEFA Cup tonight. That could be us at the end of this season. I have fond memories of an FA Cup run and I reckon we could win it this season with just a couple of additions to the squad. What are Jeremy Goss or Ruel Fox doing these days. Linking up with Woody would be a great idea!

Forza Bury!

Respect to the new directorial man, Millsy. When we get Cyril Boon in as well, it'll be a real fairytale with Millsy and Boony. It's just like the Spice Girls isn't it - when five become six. Of course the Spices are not my scene, it's a big up for Lute-L, the Yorkshire rapper, and that man Notorious all the way.

There's nothing wrong with a Merc, Mr Neville fitted me up nicely.

Had a quick chat with Simmo today, am taking training this week lads. Moving on up. Fingers are starting to be pointed in our direction from the Bury fans, have you noticed? Keep it real. Live it large.

Phew! It is hot here in Puerto Banus. Luckily Irina was persuaded to bring Katrina along to help keep me cool.

The Consortium are beginning to make our move. We have put up a Director to join the club and he will the Moleman for our influences. This Neville Neville Neville man is proving mysterious. I had him checked out by Dmitri but Dmitri (who normally doesn't go for the discussion much) came back having been sold a new Mercedes!

I have had my money peoples crunching the numbers and - hey - how do you guys stay in business?! It should be easy to buy the club but I want us to be the Real Madrid of East Lankyshire. I don't think we can do this thing by putting the poster board at the bottom of Grigg Lane.

Still, I have asked those tatu girls to send me a big poster of them doing the rude things and we will sure attract the attention! I would like to put those bums on my seat anyday!

Pull your socks up Mr Priest. Glenda Hoddle is available and I can afford him....

Keep the face you Mighty Stalkers!

Just got back from my trip to see the Ajax boys academy in Amsterdam. You'd never believe some of the things they can do with balls.

Abram and his colleagues certainly seem on the ball so to speak however my experience, with a premiership outfit a few years ago does lead me to believe that it will be much tougher to get into top European competitions like the UEFA Cup and the Zenith Data Systems cup with the likes of Chelski throwing money around.

I'm confident that with the off-the-pitch team we are putting together, working with Albert Doweck and Abram Romanovich we will be a force to be reckoned with... and dominate merchandising in towns like Formby, Whitby and Great Yarmouth better than any other teams you can care to think of... the good times are a-rolling!

Forza Bury!

Living it large, gents. Just received an email message telling me how I can increase the effectiveness of the penis. I conclude one of two things:

1. The sender has never witnessed my cycling shorts close up. I keep it real and live it VERY large.

2. It was a personal message for Albert Doweck regarding Mr Preece

My infiltration continues to go well. With the other Manchester North End insider Simpson now in charge up here, our plan is gaining momentum. I shall be made assistant very shortly, mark my words.

Keep it real, live it large.

What strange stories I am seeing this morning on my private ticker-tape news feed! Richard Whiteley in Racy Antics Shocker!!!! This Countdown programme is being very popular here in Scandinavia. What will his lovely wife Carol Waterman have to say about this? She should tie him to a railway track and get her pop star brother Pete to drive over him with his private steam locomotive!


And next I'm reading that this Racy Antics fellow is favourite to take over at Tottington Hotspurs United? Whatever next!!!

Dobreeya Djinn my Lanky friends. Lose no hope. the Consortium is still locked in deep discussion with your current owners. Dmitri and the boys has departed with a couple of Kalashnikovs to speed the pace but I fear time is not on our side.

Still, as Arne says, travelling across the Atlantic and only losing to one touchdown is not a disgrace. I am pleased to lend the Lear when I am not using this to liberate money from the tax system and film tatu videos.

Now. I hear that this man Priest is doing not so good with his squad. Anyone know where he lives? I could get Dmitri and the boys to say hello to the kneecaps and get him to concentrate on being the winningest coach for the league. I have been thinking of getting up my good friend Roman's passages by buying his man Claudius to run our team. Auchin morga!

I am planning to make my first trip the the Gigg Stadium next week to see the Mighty Stalkers play the Mafia team. We had better win. I keep seeing Roman and his anorexic wife laughing and cheering as Chelski score goals. That will be me and Irina.

Keep the face!

Kinnell Bury! I hear this is being the fans battle cry today at Boston, even though Lee Kinell didn't score any goals. I think it was because of the long trip to Boston and the different time zone. Maybe instead of flying scheduled transatlantic airlines Abram should lend the team his private jet. But hey Abram, don't let them watch any of your private in-flight movies!

According to my representatives Bury put on bad show at FC Mansfeld on Tuesday. I am thinking maybes this fellow Anders Prest is not the best Manager after all. How about this fellow Carl Torne Palmur who has been managing some team in Stockholm? He sounds the sort of man we need at the top

Who is this boy Sedoni who scores the fantstic goal on Tuesday? Is he from Serie C? I think maybes he should be starting every games from now on. And this new boy Lee Kinnell, he is knowing where the goal is also. I hear that Bury fans are shouting his name every week!

OK comrades. I have just found out that my new club (Berry) is actually a long way from London - no wonder it is going cheeps.

A top result at the weekend my friends, the junior partners from Manchester North End snuffed out by the lads. I'm starting to gain respect and prominence among the boys, it won't be long before the armband is mine and I can start to infiltrate the corridors of power.

Keep an eye out for Arne and Abram at the United game tonight. A Norwegian magnate may be thought to be watching Ole Gunner Solskjaer but on a strictly need to know basis, it's all *Greek* to me. Get my drift? Keep it real, live it large.

Hey! I told all you English guys that my man Thor Bentley would be, as you say "the enterprise". I got him promoted to the first team today for the game against FC Udersfeld and he played, how you say, a blanker. From Scandinavia all good things are coming!

Speakin' of trusts, I said to the Gaffer the other day "Put your trust in me Gaffer and your future's secure". Now he's gone. I predicted this last week ("need to know"). Told you I'd come through lads. The masterplan is working, and I am now rubbing shoulders with the top brass here in the frozen north. We eked out a point last week despite my best intentions, and I've commissioned a new batch of cycling shorts for all the lads. Chafing gets no-one anywhere. Nor do the buses up here, they're rubbish, not like those zippy 481s from Kay Gardens.

It's Friday and that means a meeting with the Lake District Trust Authority. If Bury are to get anywhere they need to tighten up the defence, and that means being as secure as a long stretch of drywall. Keep it real. Live it large.

It would seem that our consortium has gone quiet however there is a lot of work going on in the background to ensure that we put Bury on the appropriate footing for the tough campaign ahead.

We're currently talking to the SOS Trust, The local NHS Trust, The National Trust, The Wellcome Trust and The Tortoise Trust.

The fruits of our labour will be there for all to see, and you never know we might be in the UEFA Cup next season after lifting the English FA Cup this season. Keep the Faith.

Forza Bury!