The Consortium

We, The Consortium, are a mixture of fans, businessmen and sports people who believe we can bring Bury FC to the forefront of English & European Football. Current members are Pete Zaparla, Arne Uldiron, Abram Romanovic, Del Starbuck, William Christopher, Jimmy Fazakerly, and Wim Bonus. Media manager is Anna Kins. What are we up to? Read on ...


If not by direct action, then by stealth - theconsortium@hotmail.co.uk

Friday, October 31, 2003

Phew! Dobreeya djin everyone. It´s good to be back in the living land. My eternal thanks to Dmitri and the boys for getting me sprung from that filthy prison in Khazakstan. Believe me those scrawny Kvass drinking roustabouts haven´t heard the last from me - or Dmitri.

I am recuperating on the yacht just outside Greece where I am setting up a black market for antibiotics for passing cruise ships strucken by "food poisoning" - hee hee. I am solly but it seems our great Glyn Goalkeeper may have accidentally have tested it for us.

Back to the football business. Preist seems to be getting his act together with a great win at the Reynolds Stadium - that Darlo chairman is pretty small fry for an international crook but he has the right idea with the midnight kneecappings.

I wish I could get permission from Mr Bliar to come to the UK without another arresting time but I think this man Howard might get rid of the filthy communists do you not think? He is the son of Romanians and brother of the manure Goalkeeper - what more do the tories have to do?


Good luck tomorrow against the Yo Villas and take another step towards the era of the Consortium. If we can really find out who owns the Bury club we will be a long way to the takeover!

It has come to my attention that some of the information I have been receiving from Thor Bentley has been unreliable. I have made arrangements to have him removed. I will not tolerate employees, how you say, taking the mockery in this manner

Good news my friends! Abram phoned to tell me that the guy who was arrested is not really the richest man in Russia; Abram and his pals let him say that, just to take the heat off them. Things have come to a pretty passage when you can't take over a state industry without being accused of dodgy dealings

Thor will not be playing tomorrow; he is, how you say, under the climate. But he is giving me the team for tomorrows game against FC Yo Villa who are a new team from Summersault. Again some new names; where is FC Bury getting this money from I wonder? Although I see the midfield is looking a bit more settled

Montidon
M. Ogadon
S. Mogmonster
D. Wales
R. Singabout
Whelan
Hitchen
Holmes
Forssell
Afletixa
Ports

Subs
Preece
Still
Incumbent
Yabbu
Sukks



Thor is telling me that Afletixa is an Albanian U21 International currently claiming refugee status. Apparently his first name is Hoxa

I am taking a trip to New York (the city that never slips) to meet with some New Jersey businessmen that Abram introduced me to. Like Abram and me, these gentlemen run a family enterprise. So I will miss hearing about the LBV cup game against FC Uldham. But I will be back to catch up on the news about the game that is getting the FC Bury fans very excited, the FA cup game against local rivals FC Rochport Fail. I am not familiar with this place but Thor is telling me it is just a small town in Heywood

Let's go Bury! Upwards is the only way!!




Wednesday, October 29, 2003

I can confirm that after a meeting of the 1903 committee Andy Preece did not receive the requisite 25 letters that would precipitate a vote of no-confidence in his management.

We would like to clarify that the fire at the polling station where the letters were being counted is currently being investigated by the relevant authorities and the board will consider Andy's position only after the report has been received. For the time being his job is safe.

In other news, the smell of ZIP fire lighters that has been reported at the club has been tracked down to a particular office and has now been removed. The offender has been fined accordingly and warned over his future conduct

In further news, Andy Preece has distanced himself from any controversy by moving out of his office complaining of an unknown but pungent smell. We'll keep you informed if there are any further developments on any of these three (unconnected) stories. All this never happened in my day.

Forza Bury!

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Nobody has heard from Abram for over 2 weeks. Now I am reading that Russia's richest man has been arrested. This could be a setback for our Consortium plans

Friday, October 24, 2003

Lots of news to report from the frozen wastes this week.

On the pitch, we continue to slump, and despite Dennis Booth taking over as assistant boss, I'm hopeful that I'll be in a position of power come Christmas. No problems. All I need to do is keep my head down.

Back to my old stomping ground of Huddersfield tomorrow, can't wait - the fans love me there! Fond memories of being nicknamed "Getoff" and hearing 15,000 Yorkshire voices raised as one in salute - "Getoff Billy, Getoff Billy". Great days. Of course that was when Neil was in charge. Lovely man, but he never approved of my extra-curricular activities and my stunt-double work on the Full Monty for the "lunchbox" character. Crazy days! Had to use a lot of whitener, let me tell you!

Off the field, some exciting times are ahead as I have begun work on my autobiography - "Billy's Extended Diary". It's full of mishaps and accidents, as you'd expect, together with in-depth coaching instructions about running around for 90 minutes and trying the through ball from every angle. I was starting to coach young Terry at Gigg in the art of the slide rule pass, but now my sources tell me that he's resorted to tippety tap football with his old mate Glenn Whelan. Shame. That boy had loads of potential, guv. There's also some useful tips for the journeyman pro, such as how to make yourself number 1, 2 and 3 on the teamsheet, by playing in all positions and training up as a sub keeper.

Back to the fans, and up here in the North, there's another new chant going round. I've got a new shirt number now that I've moved clubs, and the fans love it!
"8 Chris Billy, only 8 Chris Billy" they sing, in those adorable Cumbrian accents. Bliss! Keep it real, live it large!

It's all horseradish! Pete tells me that to you English, "goal" means many things. It means when you put that li'l round ball between the sticks, it also means the area behind the sticks, and somethin' else besides, darn it! 6000th goal? The first goal should be to win some points, and get that ball past the last defensive end, squeeze it through the tight end - touchdown!

I'm told that Bury's ERA for the week is 0. ZERO! Darn it all to tarnation, that's poorer than ma li'l brother Del Jr, whose steak emporium went South faster than a steer with a spear stuck in its ear. Whoa boys!

If I was this here Preece character, I'd be telling ma boys to stand up and salute to Dixie, or whatever thuh hell flag they have over there at Gigg Lane. Gigg Lane? Knock it down and build me a freeway, if it's not got 75,000 seats and a roof, it ain't worth the tarmacadam it's built on.

I also hear that the fans - the li'l Giggers - are rebelling against the price of a corn dog. Three dollars I'm hearin' for a pack of li'l sweeties. Darn it, get that stadium supply franchised to a proper American retail outlet; if you can't stick it on rye and smother it in homestyle ranch dressing and BBQ sauce, it ain't worth havin'.

Take it easy now y'hear.

My spy in the dressing room Thor Bentley is excited about tomorrow's game against FC Darling Town. He is telling me that the FC Bury Manager Mr Anders Prest is hoping to score his 6000th goal in football. I am reading on the Official Message Board that Mr Prest is one of FC Bury's oldest surviving players but even so I am thinking this is surprisingly big number. However the mystery is solved when Thor tells me that this includes every goal Mr Prest has ever scored, including in the primary school playground using wool pullovers for goalposts, the Wolf Cubs, on the beach during his holidays, and also when playing Subbuteo on his kitchen table, and Championship Manager on his League Manager's Association laptop computer

Thor is giving me the teamsheet, but once again I am not recognising some of these names. I am thinking that FC Bury must have a very big squad. I shall have to investigate this when our takeover is complete. For some reason Thor has scribbled "The Irish back four all play rights, why can't we?" I am not really understanding this remark

Team against FC Darling Town

Dimmock
Synge
Wild
Shaw
Beckett
Whelan
Hitchin
Bridge-Street
Ramsbottom
Channel
Ports

Subs

Wilmichael
Portaloo
Challenge
Duncan
Smith


Friday, October 17, 2003

Thor is sending me the teamsheet for tomorrows game against FC Oxbridge. I don't recognise all of these names. I am beginning to wonder if Thor is, as you english say, pulling my legs off

Gardener
Kinnell
Pullover
Ducks-Bury
Wales
Rigobert Sing
Wheelers
Tappers
Shunters
Cinque
Ports


Subs
Sedoni, Thor, Tom, Ken & Eddy

Lunsworth and Woodpecker are suspended






Nepotism? Darn it all to tarnation, we are all brothers here in the Consortium. Here in Texas we pride ourselves on family reunions, my own family get togethers are damn fine affairs, yes sirree. There's my cousin "6 finger" Molly who married her little bro', old Uncle Yeller - tell you the truth, that old coot's madder than a rattlesnake in a box of wildcats, yes sirree bob! Holla if you hear what I'm sayin'!

Back to this here Bury FC. I have submitted a first application to change the name to the Bury FC DiamondRazorOaklandOrioleStampeders. (Bury FC D.R.O.S.S. for short). Kinda catchy ain't it? Arne has sent me a fax to tell me about a proposed team outfit made up of supporters. I think that's a darn tootin' idea, y'all, and I hope y'all will be signing up, y'hear? One Pete Zaparla, there's only one Pete Zaparla*!

* except o'course for the all-in-one bar-b-q pizza warehouse on Starbuck Avenue here in Texas

This week Thor's report is telling me about the talented young right back whose career has been blighted by injury. His name is Matty Barrows and I am smiling as I read about his brave attitude in response to his injury, his plucky performances and his variety of haircuts

However my face is hardening as I am reading that he is the son of Mister Graham Barrows, the Assistant Manager. This is not the first time I have read disturbing reports that FC Bury is riddled with nepotism

I take this sort of thing very seriously. When our takeover is complete and I have installed my daughter Rusty Uldiron as Chief Executive I shall instruct her to carry out a thorough investigation into the extent of nepotism at Giggland

Make no mistake about this; I detest nepotism and so does everyone here at Uldiron Family Enterprises

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Thor is telephoning me to clarify a misunderstanding I have made during his last report. Apparently when I thought he said the Manager had signed a wool pullover he actually said he has signed a centre back called Bill Gulliver. And apparently this fellow played very well yesterday during FC Bury's victory, so it remains for me to say....

Well played Bill! and well done Mr Anders Prest!

Thor is also telling me that there is a FC Bury Message Board and I have been reading some of the fans messages. There seem to be a lot of new ones posted by new young fans who speak some kind of strange shorthand language with no vowels. It may be popular with the young peoples, but I can't understand a fkng wrd of it

Friday, October 10, 2003

I have a bad feeling about tomorrow. I was in the "Lashed on Hash" Coffeeshop in Amsterdam with my best friend Mongulay the Adder having a little Shmoke, when he say that the 5-4-1 formation that Andy wants to use will not work.

I have impressed upon Andy that the TOTAL 2 (Triumph Over Technology At Least x 2) Football that I refined from the TOTAL football that we implemented at Torquay will work... Andy says that his tactics (or did he say tic tacs) would win the day. We weren't impressed but by God these shmokes are good stuff.

The authorities at London Airport wouldn't let me through when I tried to meet up with the team at their Cambridgeshire hotel. They reckon whilst I can have some for personal use, 50 kilos is far too much. So much for your new laws.

See you at the home game. Mongulay is coming too!

What in the holy hell has a new jumper got to do with soccer? These Englishmen need their heads rattling. Give them an all-in-one synthetic fibre bodysuit like our gridiron players don, or some of those lycra shorts. They chafe you up like a suckling pig in a mud-hole, and no mistake. Yes sirree bob, they'll get you crackling louder than a bronco on heat.

Can someone tell me what pre-match regime these here fellers using, because it seems to be darn useless, dang it. Give them thick steaks, cooked Texan style to put some fire in their bellies. If this team is to figure in the end-season, we need to make a move now! Get on the offence, yes sirree, and tell that Preece feller that playing 5 in the line of defence is inviting trouble in the event of a shootout.

Thor is telephoning me late last night but the line is very poor. I think he said Anders Prest has signed a wool pullover. I am not fully understanding this. Is it a celebrity autographed item for a charity auction? How much money would anybody pay for a jumper signed by the FC Bury Manager? This is very curious

I'm sure he also said this wool pullover would be on the bench at tomorrow's game. Is this something to do with the horrible sweater that the worst player has to wear after a training session? This is good for player morale but I don't understand why Thor sounded so excited about it on the telephone

There are more important matters, like when will Anders Prest sign a centre back on loan. Why doesn't he ask the Premiership Clubs if they have any good reserve players who would play for FC Bury? The Manager should be concentrating on this rather than writing his name on some stupid piece of knitwear. Get your axe together Mister Prest!!!!

Thursday, October 09, 2003

This week Thor is telling me about the boy who plays central defence for FC Bury, this fellow Dennis Wales. Thor says he is named this because he was born in Wales which is a very poor part of England. Glynn Gardener is also coming from there and so is Simon Waley the exciting young winger. Thor tells me Wales is very like Scandinavia; it always cold, it rains all the time, there are lakes and mountains, and the people are all speaking a peculiar sing-a-song language

I am learning that Dennis has shaved his head, which means he looks very scary and also makes him very good at the bullet header. He is scoring goals with his head at both ends of the pitch, sometimes even during the same half

Dennis is very popular with the FC Bury fans who like to shout at him during the games. I am learning these shouts from Thor, so I can join in when we complete our takeover and I am on the terracings being a proper fan. "Tackle 'im Dennis boyo! Man on, look you!! Unlucky Dennis, there's lovely!!!"

Thor is telling me the team for saturday's match against FC Bainbridge, which is a team of shop assistants from Newcastle


Gardener

Kinnell Wales Ducks-Bury Woodman Sing-a-song

Thor Paolo Dunners

Ports Lemons


Subs

Jo Neil
Waley
Lunsworth
Prest-bury
Gunboat


Friday, October 03, 2003

Why don't the fans like me? Don't they know I'll be their player of the season next year? Keeping it real, living it large in training this week, we've been to Wastwater!

Howdy y'all,

My good friend Pete has been in touch regarding this here Consortium you guys have put together. Sounds rootin-tootin darn fun if y'ask my o-pinion.

Del Starbuck here, Texan by birth, International by reputation, yes sirree bob. 20 percent shareholder in the Oilers, looking to franchise out worldwide. My pal Pete tells me you fellers been lookin' for a British soccer team to pur-chase, and I've been hearin' things about this here Bury FC. Sounds like a viable business interest to me, tax purposes an' all.

I'm prepared to put up some Yankee dollars to back this little enterprise, and I have a few darn fine ideas of my own, and if they ain't winners my name's not plastered across the Oilers billboards 24-7.

Firstly, let me tell you folks, soccer's very much my game. Yes sirree. I like to swing a bat and hit a homer like the next Texan, but when it comes to the bee-oo-tiful game, there's not a Yankee with more fire than me. I just love those fancy dan players and the game. I love the overtimes, the intermissions and that bald Italian umpire, yes sirree!

Now there's only one things that gets me madder than a rattlesnake in the woodpile, and that's this here darn offsides rule. It seems to me that your fast receivers can go beyond the line of attack without penalization, but if the quarterback in possession sends a bomb to him, he's called back and there's some penalization that occurs. Is that right? What a darn stupid rule. Who made that one up? Over here in the U S of A, we like our receivers to be fast and direct, and hang those defensive ends!

Anyways, that's by the by, yes sirree, now let's look at ways to franchise this Baby.

1. Number 1 on the list, we've got to ditch the name. Bury? Bury my ass, if you'll excuse my Texan. Who wants to support l'il ol' Bury when you have the Razorbacks, the Oilers, the darn Red Sox if you will. We need to sex up this baby, yes sirree bob.

Bury AstroDiamondBackOilers, sounds like the ticket, if y'all catch my drift. Make it punchy, make it slick, give those punters something to put on those replica shirts.

2. Image. Make it stars and stripes, make it loud. No more plain white strips, we need red and blue and gold. Big swirls of colour. Make it diamonds and pearls, baby.

3. The interactive experience. Now believe you me, we Yanks know how to make a spectacle of ourselves, ma'am. No-one wants 2 boring 45 minute periods! Make it 6 15 minute innings, give the crowds a mid-inning stretch and get the pom-pom girls out in force. Firecrackers, by jiminy, let's haul ass and kick it to it. Touchdown, AstroDiamondBackOilers!

4. Give them folks pastrami, give them rye, give them 50 topping ice cream, but feed them, water them and rake in the consumer dollar. Move the franchise to one of these new modern towns I been reading about. Melton Mowbray, or Milton Keynes. If you build it, they will come. You can bet your ass on that! We moved the Athletics, the Flames and the Raiders, goddamit! No one moves the Damn Yankees, of course.

5. Buy those top players and haul ass to tie them in to multi-year deals. Who needs players who walk after one season with a low ERA? We want players who will score many touchdowns year on year, give us those MVPs and assists! Buy the best and pay them top dollar!

I gotta haul ass out of here, I got a high-powered conference call with Ted, Bill and Donald at the Waco Steakhouse. I'll catch you boys later, yes sirree.

I see that the FC Bury message boards are not operating. As a public service to all you Bury fans I have told Thor to fax me the team for tomorrows game which is in Turkey. I am worrying that this is almost as long a journey as going to Boston a few weeks ago. I hope the team are using Abrams Lear Jet

I think Thor uses his own names for the players, because I am not knowing who they all are. But I have told him to keep sending me a report on one of his team-mates very week while our Consortium negotiations are in place.Some of the things I have read so far in his reports are very interesting

Team for tomorrows game in Turkey

Gardener

Kinnell Wales Ducks-Bury Woodpecker Sing

Thor Wheelers Dealers

Ports Starboard

Subs

Prest-bury
Gumboil
Whaleboat
Sedoni
Weaky

Thor says there is a chance that Dennis Wales will not be fit, so Weaky will play. Paolo is suspended, which apparently happens Fivetimes every season


Thursday, October 02, 2003

I am hearing good things about this midfield captain fellow who played very well in defence against FC Yorkshire on Tuesday night. His name is Lee Ducks-Bury. Thor is telling me that this fellow changes his name every time he changes Football club. So previously he has been called Lee Ducks-Uldham and Lee Ducks-Udersfeld

I am very impressed with this commitment to the team that is paying his wages. I think all of the players should follow this example, starting with Mister Anders Prest-Bury and his assistant Mister Graham Barrows-Bury. But I am thinking that Paolo Shaugnessy-Bury would not sell many shirts with his name on!

Is funny, yes? I am getting the grip of this English sense of humour!

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Ah... my first training session with the boys has paid dividends. The pass and move, using my Try, Offer, Tease At Length (TOTAL) football techniques I have honed in the Netherlands really paid off against York City Football Club last night.

Looking forward to Cannes, St Tropez and Monte Carlo on Saturday. Sure, I joke! I know that Torquay is not on THAT riviera! How do you say it... Tally Ho, pip, pip, what-o!