My good friend Pete has been in touch regarding this here Consortium you guys have put together. Sounds rootin-tootin darn fun if y'ask my o-pinion.
Del Starbuck here, Texan by birth, International by reputation, yes sirree bob. 20 percent shareholder in the Oilers, looking to franchise out worldwide. My pal Pete tells me you fellers been lookin' for a British soccer team to pur-chase, and I've been hearin' things about this here Bury FC. Sounds like a viable business interest to me, tax purposes an' all.
I'm prepared to put up some Yankee dollars to back this little enterprise, and I have a few darn fine ideas of my own, and if they ain't winners my name's not plastered across the Oilers billboards 24-7.
Firstly, let me tell you folks, soccer's very much my game. Yes sirree. I like to swing a bat and hit a homer like the next Texan, but when it comes to the bee-oo-tiful game, there's not a Yankee with more fire than me. I just love those fancy dan players and the game. I love the overtimes, the intermissions and that bald Italian umpire, yes sirree!
Now there's only one things that gets me madder than a rattlesnake in the woodpile, and that's this here darn offsides rule. It seems to me that your fast receivers can go beyond the line of attack without penalization, but if the quarterback in possession sends a bomb to him, he's called back and there's some penalization that occurs. Is that right? What a darn stupid rule. Who made that one up? Over here in the U S of A, we like our receivers to be fast and direct, and hang those defensive ends!
Anyways, that's by the by, yes sirree, now let's look at ways to franchise this Baby.
1. Number 1 on the list, we've got to ditch the name. Bury? Bury my ass, if you'll excuse my Texan. Who wants to support l'il ol' Bury when you have the Razorbacks, the Oilers, the darn Red Sox if you will. We need to sex up this baby, yes sirree bob.
Bury AstroDiamondBackOilers, sounds like the ticket, if y'all catch my drift. Make it punchy, make it slick, give those punters something to put on those replica shirts.
2. Image. Make it stars and stripes, make it loud. No more plain white strips, we need red and blue and gold. Big swirls of colour. Make it diamonds and pearls, baby.
3. The interactive experience. Now believe you me, we Yanks know how to make a spectacle of ourselves, ma'am. No-one wants 2 boring 45 minute periods! Make it 6 15 minute innings, give the crowds a mid-inning stretch and get the pom-pom girls out in force. Firecrackers, by jiminy, let's haul ass and kick it to it. Touchdown, AstroDiamondBackOilers!
4. Give them folks pastrami, give them rye, give them 50 topping ice cream, but feed them, water them and rake in the consumer dollar. Move the franchise to one of these new modern towns I been reading about. Melton Mowbray, or Milton Keynes. If you build it, they will come. You can bet your ass on that! We moved the Athletics, the Flames and the Raiders, goddamit! No one moves the Damn Yankees, of course.
5. Buy those top players and haul ass to tie them in to multi-year deals. Who needs players who walk after one season with a low ERA? We want players who will score many touchdowns year on year, give us those MVPs and assists! Buy the best and pay them top dollar!
I gotta haul ass out of here, I got a high-powered conference call with Ted, Bill and Donald at the Waco Steakhouse. I'll catch you boys later, yes sirree.