The Consortium

We, The Consortium, are a mixture of fans, businessmen and sports people who believe we can bring Bury FC to the forefront of English & European Football. Current members are Pete Zaparla, Arne Uldiron, Abram Romanovic, Del Starbuck, William Christopher, Jimmy Fazakerly, and Wim Bonus. Media manager is Anna Kins. What are we up to? Read on ...


If not by direct action, then by stealth - theconsortium@hotmail.co.uk

Saturday, November 29, 2003

When Trousersnake is giving me the late tip-off that the Bury players are not up for the performance today I have made a last ditch attempt to save some face. Through my publishing contacts I have got the Macks Field programme editor to show that they are playing Scunthorpe today. With a bit of luck that might deflect some of the criticism when FC Bury lose after a below-par performance

Friday, November 28, 2003

For security reasons Trousersnake is sending me this weeks team in French, which I realise afterwards must be his second language. Unfortunately I can’t speak French so I don’t understand the codenames

When he is telephoning me earlier he is telling me an interesting story about this weeks opponents, FC Macks Field. Apparently the team used to be called FC Moss Rose, until some years ago they got a Finnish Manager called Sammi Mack. This fellow brought some success to the team, but he is best remembered for the ground improvements he instigated. Eventually he left FC Moss Rose to return to his homeland and take over some Northern Island team (I think Trousersnake must be referring to Iceland here, or maybe one of the Faroe Island group) and as a tribute to him the Directors changed the name to FC Macks Field. Trousersnake says they like to weave about and show off their silky skills

My informant is also whispering that one of the midfield is a potential weak link, but since the names are in French, I can’t tell which one it is

Team against FC Macks Field

De Thame
Dugarry
Duphil
De Pendable
De Batable
De Fenceless
Passperone
Passpertout
Pastermack
De Gaffer
De Lackey

Subs
De Witte
Du Watt
De Linquent
De Generate
De Prospect

Monday, November 24, 2003

Respect to Arne Uldiron who made the long trip to Cheltenham for a private conference with me this week. Rumours are growing that Bury are tipping Andy Morrison to succeed the old Gaffer. Not if the consortium take over, he's out on his ass and no messing! Arne reassured me that William Christopher will be placed in charge of team affairs, and also that the club will be pushing to get DuPont in as main sponsors, to ensure an excess of lycra in the new club gear! Live it up!

Christmas is just around the corner, and Arne tells me he's keen to start getting the Consortium more in the public eye. Over a nice slab of damp squid, we have put phase 1 of the Sir William merchandise into play for Xmas; keep it real and live it large!

Friday, November 21, 2003

What's all this hogwash I've bin hearin' about some darn over-zealous stewards? When we take over this franchise, we're gonna bring in some real security, US of A style. Cattle prods and stunguns never harmed anyone, no sirree, just ask my cousin Tyree. His momma used to stun him regular as a bobcat on a diet of bran, and it never harmed the li'l rascal. Course he never did learn his letters, and he's bin in therapy since his 8th birthday, but that's just by the by.

If yer can't frisk your fans and haul their ass out of there faster than a snip from Lorena Bobbitt's scissors (you fellas know what I mean there) then yo'll be inundated with more darn redneck cussin' hillbilly's than Hicksville, Tennessee, yes sirree! We don't stand for no cussin' or frettin' here in deepest Texas, no mama - if those pussies can't stand the heat, send em runnin'.

Back to soccer, and I hear that the latest loan signing is out for 3 months with a bad shoulder. What kind o' poor-ass hokey medics you got over there in li'l ole England anyhow? As my friend Dr Alan B Wolfscales is fond of sayin', if you can't rack em, stack em, pack em and bag em within a week, they ain't worth savin'. Good to see the boys winning again last weekend, that gives them a division-leading ERA on the road.

Gotta haul ass, my friends. Tell Dmitri that ole One Eye says hi. Holla if yo hear me, and don't you go forgettin' now - a Bush in the hand is worth two minutes of anyone's time.

We've asked that Andy Morrison be put in charge of the reserves as he gears up for his chance in the hot seat during the summer.

His scottish charm, sincere manner and downright scariness meant that I had no choice but to accede when he turned up at my house a few weeks ago at 2am.

Mozo insists that he will return this club to the glory days that he knows I strive for. Our disappointing exit from the FA Cup means that we will find it difficult to get into Europe next season but I had a quick word with Gerard Aigner at UEFA HQ in Switzerland last week and should we wield this season's LDV Vans Shield it should yield a UEFA cup spot for next season.

Forza Bury!

My spy in the camp Trousersnake is away this week on International business. But he is telephoning me to explain something which has been bothering me for a while. Apparently Anders Prest has had a big crackdown on unofficial information leaking from the dressing room, especially from the reserve team players. And he has appointed a new henchman to ensure his orders are carried out. Seemingly this fellow is, how you say, built like a brick boathouse. So Trousersnake is telling me he has been using code names for the team sheets he has been sending me. This explains why, when I used to get my copy of the MEN through the post, their match reports seemed to be talking about an entirely different team!

No news of our Saudi based investor. He seems to have gone to ground, or maybe even the training ground? I hope he was not, how you say, holding a laugh. Abram doesn’t like people making the fool from him, as Dmitri has been known to point out, from close range

Team against FC Norse Hampton & Cobblers; Trousersnake tells me we are up against eleven big lads

Greenfingers
Dislocant
Cartilege
Poisonleg
Deadleg
Brokenleg
Versatile
Volatile
Schematic
Pneumatic
Rheumatic

Subs
A. Windsor
Wynne
Whenall
Seddon
Dunn

Which one is pneumatic? Is it the boy with the big jugs, this fellow they call Melinda?

Thursday, November 13, 2003

I am receiving Trousersnake's first player profile report which is about this boy that they call Ports. I think his real name is Kris Supporter and he is scoring lots of goals for FC Bury. Trousersnake tells me that Ports used to represent British Students; apparently he used to get up every day in time to watch Carol Waterman on Countdown, then spent the rest of the day drinking beer and vodka shots in the college bar, interspersed with txting his m8s on his moby. Even now, although he is not a proper student, he still gives monosyllabic answers to any questions

Interesting news regarding our consortium membership. We have had an approach from a potential new investor based in Saudi Arabia. Apparently he is big in the oil business, but also has personal experience of playing professional football at youth team level. Of course we will not be letting any Tom, Dick or Henning into our consortium but I am feeling he could be a big asset, although Abram is not so sure and is sending someone round to , how you say, have a word in his kneecaps


Just in from Trousersnake, team for Saturday's game against FC Bristols


Thrower
Oldman
Overhill
Pastit
Underfit
Whelan
Hitchen
Rawtenstall
Branch
Winters
Ports

Subs

Douglas-Pringle
Douglas-Bader
Douglas-Esplanade
Douglas-Pineforest
Douglas-Dakota

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Strassveechi my lanky boys and girls!

I am feeling as full of gun with the Stolichnaya and herrings - very warm and enjoying good massages from the hotel twins.

I have been reading this website board from the Bury. What a hooty! This Bury is more lawless than Chechnya! A steward punches a fan - a Policeman has his head taken away - the fans call for the manager's head!

And what about this Judge who has an opinion on everything? Who is bribing this idiot?!

I have decided to send Dmitri in under deep cover to get the inside stories on who is doing who. I have bought him a big yellow jacket as I understand this is the favourite terrace fashions. I have told him no deaths but the kneecaps and gentle Chinese burns would be proper way of getting information.

Hmmmm. Aaaaagh... ooooooooo. I tell you boys. If you have never had twins you are not knowing much.

Lastly tovarichmees. I am much worried by the Arab person. Is he one of Osama Bin Laden front people? Is he real rich playboy type?

Or is he a club insider trying to drive up share price? Dmitri will be there soon...

Friday, November 07, 2003

I've been hearin' about some strange goings on over there in li'l ole England; Arne tells me that animals and men in funny outfits have been taking over the place. Not only is there a man dressed up in one of them there hee-haw policemen uniforms, there's a Mr Wolf and an Alan Bee, who make strange braying noises form the stands. Is this a soccer stadium or a zoo?

It's darn fine to see that the coaches have got things running better from the sidelines now. The ERA is going up and with the back ends tightening up, there's a chance that Andy Preece can be totally offensive from now on.

There is something that disturbs me and makes me madder than a coyote that's been hammered with an ACME anvil, and that's the presence of two darn Canucks in the team. If there's one thing that gets my goat more than an early shutout at the Redneck Joe's BBQ House of Ribs, it's sports players from across the border. Stick to hockey, eh, and leave a man's game to your tougher cosuins in England.

We need more cheerleaders to pep up the fans. I've been hearing that there's one cheerleader that's been making waves among the fans, maybe we can get her to muck in and sort out the catering. Make mine a pastrami bagel with extra cheesy steak. Yes sirree bob!

Trousersnake. That brings back memories of when I used to really live it large in my days at Plymouth. I used to tip those scales (of justice?) at a whopping 10 pounds! There's nothing like a tight lycra-clad packet to earn you a regular starting place in the side, particularly when you can play in all the positions!

Hello FC Bury supporters! I am back from my business trip to NYC, where I have been learning some amusing new catchphrases to use when our takeover is complete. Bada-bing Bury! Hey Preecy, fuhgeddaboudit!!

As I told you before, my new friends are running a family business. They are keen to expand into the UK and I have told them that when our takeover is complete some of their junior family members can have jobs at Giggland, wearing the big yellow jackets

Good news; I have got a new man in the dressing room, after that unfortunate business with Thor Bentley. I can't reveal his name at this time, it must be strictly a "needing to know" basis. I shall call him Trousersnake for the moment. I have asked him to send me reports on the players like Thor used to do, and also give me the team news. So with this inside knowledge I will once again be a proper "Man in the knowings"

Here is Trousersnake's team for tomorrows big Cup game against FC RochFail

Titchmarsh
R. Singaround-Allday
Journeyman
Oldster
Youngster
Whelan
Hitchen
Alconbrook
Precinct
Ports
Mouth

Subs
Scales
Allenby
Wolfbrothers
Rothanwalker
Philbanpaulam

Which one is Mouth? That must be a nickname I am thinking. Maybe it is the boy Sedoni who is telling everybody about his fantastic goal against FC Darling Town