Greetings Lanky boys and girls!

I hope you enjoyed my gift to you this Christmastime. Just a slight cocking up. I sent Dmitri off with a clear message. "Get a barrow full of roubles to pay the priest off" He thought I said get a Barrow with the roubles and pay the Priest off". Looks like you are stuck with the Barrow until I can get myself over there around the end of January and get things moving.

I think that business with the stun grenades this summer has done for Dmitri's hearing but it hasn't stopped his expertise with the kneecaps. I am going to get him to do that Bush guy who has just stopped me bidding for some work in Iraq. Doesn't this guy understand how capitalism works? You let the syndicates even shot at the work. He is messing with fire believe me.

Now to business. I have a shortlist of managers and players for the big spend in February. I know there is a "transfer window" but windows are easily smashed.

Managers
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Simon Cowell
I like this man's jib. He is popular and tough like me. He would tell the players as it was. He is top pick.

Tony Blair
OK he is not so popular now but this makes him bargain. He is very good at making things seems really good when it is shit. We will need someone like this in early days

Scales of Justice
This man is amazing. Despite the fact that he wears the blindfold all the time, he is always very right with his opinions. He is like the Rasputin! He must be on drugs which I can get him very cheep!

Clive Woodward
He is winner with miserable boring voice just like you Lanky guys and girls! He might cost too much but Dmitri could pay him a visit...

Now for players.
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Normally I trust Arne with his selection but these have been the one's I have seen or Irina has fancied from the OK magazine.

Johnny Wilkinson
OK OK I know he has dodgy shoulder but you don't need this for the football game and he is best kicker in world yes? Why do others not see this logic. We will be ahead of game.

Norman Bullock
Everyone need legend in club and Dmitri tells me he is biggest legend and scorer of lots of goals. Anyone know where he is?

David Beckham
Now this is for Irina who fancies the pants from him. I think he has no taste (I have sold him a couple of Ferraris with dodgy past but he never spotted). His floozie is irritating whiney thing with implants and bulimia which is normal for stars in Madrid. I would play him as in American football to come on for the extra point kicks and penalty goals.

Mike Tyson
This man is psycho and I hold some gambling markers on him. Makes him perfect for the enforcement role on pitch.

I can't wait to start as Chairman but we will need to hold meetings on Yacht in Puerto Banus as I have the difficulty getting in Country. I guess I will hire an easy jet from Summerseat Airways to bring out the board and fans representatives for meetings. It will make it easier for them to agree with my plans!

Happy New Year!

I am hearing that although the performance is better against FC Cumbrians, the result is even worse than before. Who is this fellow Preece who plays so well for them on the left? Perhaps FC Bury should sign him up

Not much sign of Christmas Cheer in tomorrows team selection. I think a change of tune is required


Team against FC Udersfield

Poplar
Christmas
Carroll
Harker
Herald
Angel
Singh
Glorie
Tudor
Newbon
King

Subs
While
Shepherd
Washtaire
Soxby
Knight

Lots of new team names this week, no doubt because of the poor showing in the Orient. Although I am pleased to see Mr Whelan is back, but without his former midfield partner Mr Hitchen

Mr Barrows seems to have got off to a poor start. And now Trousersnake, the “man in my pocket” is telling me that Mr Anders Prest is paying for a car light? From what I read of his pay off, I would think he could afford a whole new car. I must say I am surprised that no other club has tried to sign him yet. I would think he could score goals for some struggling lower division team at the wrong end of the table. Mark my words, FC Bury fans, he won’t be stuck at home doing motor maintenance for long!

Boxing day team against FC Cumbrians

Gordon
De Webb
Meisters
Christmas
Wantiss
Thefree
Whelan
Bobb
Dillon
Hybrid
Ceedy

Trousersnake has also written “7.99 from Play dot com” What is this meaning I wonder

Best wishes at this festive time to all FC Bury fans. Remember to how you say “keep the fate” and “keep your fingers cropped” that our takeover will go through soon. Talking of “fingers cropped” reminds me, I must send Dmitri a Christmas card …….

Trousersnake, my “man in the hole” is keeping a low profile this week, but he managing to send me the team for tomorrow’s game, against FC Lay Town which apparently is in a suburb of Brisbane, somewhere in the Orient. I hope that Mr Graham Barrows manages to get better results in these overseas games than FC Bury got under the departed Mr Prest. But the experiences in Turkey and Boston, Massachusets do not bode well for this

I am wondering whether the players will be happy, sad, or just confused about Anders Prest's departure from the Club. Trousersnake was not giving me any clues when I asked for his opinion

Team against FC Lay Town

Reliable
Recalled
Rejeuvenated
Redoubtable
Repositioned
Remotivated
Bemused
Bewildered
Befuddled
Delighted
Delerious

Debutant
Standin
Benchwarmer
Desperate-Measure
Banjaxed-Altogether

I look forward to a new improved FC Bury under Mr Barrows. I shall be interested to see if his son Matty is restored to the line-up

The deed is done. Maybe some of you "clever clever" FC Bury fans will take Arne Uldiron more the serious from now on

You peoples think that Arne knows f*** nothing! But let me assure you, and todays event's at FC Bury prove this beyond all doubt, Arne knows f*** all!!! Yessss!!!!!!!

Preece has gone before he had the chance to face me!

Hi Lanky boys and girls,

First the bad news. I booked 150 seats on the easyjet for Dmitri and his friends and family for the Roachdale game but it was diverted and he had to enjoy a roam through the terraced houses in Luton. Good job. Believe me losing at home is not anything Dmitri will tolerate and he is a genius working the kneecaps.

Serious stuff though. I thought we could rely on Priest keeping a good shape before we found out who owned the club and then bought it. Now I find he has lost the story!

I know from my sources that £46,000 is needed to end the job! Good gracious. I could deliver this in roubles in a barrow right now.

I think I will make the call tonight.

I am hearing worse and worst reports of FC Bury's performances under Messrs Prest and Barrowsby. I am thinking it is time Arne put his money where his voice it. How much is £46k in Kroner?

Howdy y'all. Just back from Jamaica where I had a productive meeting with Uncle Albert aboard his yacht. Dmitri seems to have put the cat among the pigeons and no mistake, holler if ya hear what I'm sayin'. Uncle Al seems scarder than a li'l ole chipmunk in a nest o' bobcats and no mistake. He's been promoting a new fad, the Atkins regime I think he said, which involves downing more steak than a Texan on heat. Yes sirree!

It's now nearing time for the masterplan, gents; with Al running scared and Preece firing more blanks than a SWAT team in trainin', we've moved William Christopher into captaincy and coach roles, Dmitri and Abram are massing their heavies, and our man on the inside is riling up the fans. Way to go, Colin WT. Yee hah!

It seems Trousersnake is able to send me the team names after all. He has written "Team ready to fail" but surely he must be meaning "Team ready for Fail"?

Team aginst FC Roch Fail at Giggland tomorrow

D Iarmuid
D Homeboy
D Bilitated
D Risible
D Moralised
D Ismal
D Jected
D Spondent
D Motivated
A Prest
D Prest



S Idelined
B Lackballed
O Verlooked
U N’derplayed
O Stracised

I think that N'derplayed is this Nigerian fellow who has been on trial. We need a big performance tomorrow. Something tells me the team are all really, as you English say "Up from it" Let the terrace chants ring out!!

Earlier this week Abram has been sending Dmitri over to how you say “have the word” with the current man in charge. We shall be watching to see how he reacts

I am hearing that FC Bury have put up some very bad performances in the last 2 league games and in the LBV cup game. Time for Anders Prest to wield the big pole, I am thinking

Trousersnake is telling me he won’t be able to send me the team names this week. He says everybody is hoping they won’t get picked!

This week my man up the inside is responding to my request for terrace chants. I am practicing these in my private office with some of my senior employees, and look forward to joining in when we finally take over the club. He has sent me these in phonetics so we can get the local accent right

He says this one is very popular and can be used at all times during the match

“Bluh – dee roo-bish Burree”

and this one is for shouting when Anders Prest or anyone in his team displays some graceful and elegant movement that characterise the Beautiful Game as it is played at FC Bury

“Dizz-grace Preece! Ree-zyne-man!”

I can just imagine these chants coming across loud and clear in the big Derby game against FC Roch Fail. You can hear it in Swindon!

The old Xmas merchandise is shipping well, a Mr Justice and a Mr B have ordered their slimfit shorts this week. Meanwhile, I've been hard at work up here in the frozen wastes with fellow Consortium member Wim Bonus. He's just back from a fact-finding mission at FC Schott and has come back apparently with a miscellany of new formations and plans. Respect! Among the new styles we're working on is a fluid midfield 4 where there's a player hovering in front of the defence, two grafters, and a playmaker in front. Suits me down to the ground. As Wim tells me, I've always been a diamond geezer. Nuff said! Big up!

Think someone's been having a joke with me. I got a private memo enclosed in a lycra order asking how I'd fancy a long weekend in Paris Hilton. Well, if you've seen the tapes, you'll know what I was thinkin'! Thought I was gonna be livin it large an' no messin', bro'! Turns out I spent three days slummin' it in a dingy gaff off the Champs Elysees. I never have any luck, though if I go back in 2004, they reckon I'll be resident of the year.

Keep it real and live it large.

Trousersnake, my how you say “Spy in the tents” is faxing me this weeks team for the away match against FC Hulk. He says the opposition are all big lads, but sometimes they can appear a bit green

Again Trousersnake is writing in code to make sure the Reserve Team Coach doesn’t think he is leaking information. Like last week he is telling me that one of the midfield trio is a liability, but he still won’t tell me which one


Bestyn-Clubbe
Playden-Gresty
McLaren-Sloane
Firston-Lyst
Reardon-Bolton
Needin-Helpin
Runall-Gayme
Runalph-Gayme
Gifton-Ballaway
Lucan-Auld
Lucan-Greene

Subs
Gammie-Legge
Dunnall-Reddy
Sharpe-Shuter
MacGillicuddy-Reeks
McKytte-Reeks


Trousersnake is writing that MacGillycuddy-Reeks is Irish, and a bit of a man-mountain. Also apparently Haydn-Sikh and Young-Prospect are both long-term injured