Greetings Lanky boys and girls,

I have moved one of Dmitri's friends into the club to do a bit of enforcing. He is a Georgian by the name of Gynnastic Farmovic but has Anglicised this to "Fit Croft". He is a handy boy and although he has not Dmitri's gift for kneecaps is happy rearranging noses.

I had lunch on the yacht with another Football Shaker - Mr Peter Ridsdale. I entertained him with a couple of pole dancers - or at least that's what they said they were - I could have sworn they were Romanian.

Anyway, I was much entertained with his tales of how he kept Leeds at the top for years and now he has left they are knacked. I was so happy for him at the new club I agreed to sponsor his Goldfish.

Shall I get one for the Bury trophy room?

My new Spy in the Hole, Bogie is sending me some bad news with his first report. Apparently FC Bury have appointed a new man to their existing Board, and this fellow actually has some money

Bogie tells me he is called Dale Porous, and he made a boatload of cash when he sold his roofing firm, Porous Roofing Materials for 120 Million! OK, this is still babies money compared to me and Abram, but even so, I think it might be enough for the current FC Bury Board to fend off our approach

I think maybe our Consortium should concentrate our efforts elsewhere. I am hearing there is a club in Yorkshire desperate for some dodgy investors, especially since the players are not agreeing to take a pay cut . I might get ask Abram to get Dmitri to pay a visit to their training ground. Then we will strike!

I will be how you say, "holding an eye" on FC Bury, but I think I will be keeping the "short profile" from now on

After the stirring performance at Scunthorn I am ringing my old friends the Barclay Twins to see if they want to put some money into our Consortium. But every time I ring, their Personal Assistant tells me they are out buying a newspaper. How long can that possibly take, I am asking myself? I know they live on a private island, but surely there must be a newsagent nearby?

Some good news, I have recruited a new dressing room spy. I cannot reveal his name of course, but I have a cunning codename for him; Bogie

Hopefully I will have his player report, or maybe some team news before this Saturday's game at Giggland. Is it true what I am hearing, that FC Bury are playing a team of kids? This must be 3 points, how you say, in the sack

From the reports I am getting from my own people who were at Giggland on Saturday, it is apparent that Trousersnake is giving me, how you say, the bottom steer. I have sent him packing. He's lucky I don't send Dmitri with a packing case, if you get my meaning. I apologise if the quality of my intelligence regarding team selection has not been so good recently. I shall be looking to have a new Man in the Dressing Room Showers before Saturday's game

You may have noticed some Norwegian representatives of Uldiron Enterprises at Giggland yesterday watching the match against FC Swans. After hearing their reports that FC Bury are giving such a good performance under Mr Barrows our Consortium has decided to call off Dmitri, and keep Barrows in charge for the rest of the season

However I think its time that the scary fellow, the previous dressing room security officer was replaced for someone of Mr Barrows choosing. I will issue the necessary instructions. Maybe this will mean Trousersnake is not so afraid to name real names in his reports. We shall see

I see my golf buddy Big John's son is scoring his first goal for FC Bury! And who is this Challenger Missile fellow? My representatives report that he looks like a good signing

When I am getting this weeks team from Trousersnake I am momentarily forgetting they are all codenames, and wondering why FC have such a big turnover of players!

This is the team against FC Swans who Trousersnake said are a bunch of ugly duckers; at least I think that's what he means, my English is not always the goods

In his notes Trousersnake writes that one of the subs is a lightweight but he doesn't indicate which one. He also says our current strike pairing are all at sea? These English expressions are too hard for old Arne!

Things are not going well for Mister Barrowsby. Our Consortium are not blessed with, how you say, the English Patients


Poplar
Treebeard
Stump
Colinwood
Softwood
Ironwood
Hollywood
Deadwood
Driftwood
Flotsam
Jetsam

Balsa
Hardwood
Wellardwood
Kantzeederwood
Forditreze

Seasonal tidings y'all. That darn Santa emptied his sack all over my front porch this year. Li'l cousin Marla gave me a darn 200 dollar voucher to spend down at the All-U-can-eat buffet bar at the Grand Ole Texas Beef Jerky Steakhouse; guess she forgot I own the franchise, momma! Yes sirree bob.

Anyhoo, shoot fire, pardners, and let's turn our attention to the darn Bury franchise. What in tarnation is goin' on over there? Our instructions to Abram and Dmitri were explicit - remove the boss and the backup man, but what's this I'm a hearin? The barrowboy is holding the reins and the whole hog is going belly up faster than a stranded heifer in a mudswamp of rattlers. Hot Damn!

As my pappa (God bless him) used to say: "I strongly suggest you not be licking your fingers then wiping them there boots of yours, son. People from these parts don't wanna be tasting where they've been stepping". When we build the new enormodome allstar indoor training center down at Lower Gigg, that'll be the stadium motto. Seems quite opportune right now, don't it, y'hear?

Whatever the near future might being, one thing is darn tootin' for sure gonna be happenin'. Those tired-ass shakers will be gettin' a rocket under them courtesy of my attornees. As my buddy Arne is fond of sayin', no-one in our group will be letting grass grow under our rootin-tootin asses. Holler if ya hear what I'm sayin!

Until next time, this is Del Starbuck signing out; I've got Pete and Abram coming in for a satellite conference call now, which just might spark off something mighty interestin'. My associates think that if we can marry one of our strikers off to Britney Spears they might just start scoring again. Yes sirree!

Happy New year to all FC Bury fans!

This could be interesting, I am playing pro-celebrity Golf last week in the Arne Uldiron Charidee Pro-am Philanthropy Classic, and am being paired with Big John Daly. He is "gripping it and ripping it" all over my private 18 hole course. The Lion can still roar, I am telling you

Anyway Big John is telling me his son John jr is an exciting striker playing for FC Rockport in Massachusets. He says his boy could score lots of goals for a third division club in England. Of course I am not letting on that I hold big influence at FC Bury but old Arne didn't get where he is today by, how you say, letting the grass grow up his arse

Needless to say I am wasting no time telling Trousersnake to have a word with the fellow Barrows. Watch out for these names, John, Daly and Rockport, and remember where you heard them first!