My Consortium colleagues and I are hearing many the bad things about performances on and off the field at FC Berry. Perhaps Mister Barrowsby is no longer cutting the mustards as you crazy English guys like to say. Also we are having the second thoughts about our appointment of Rob Matthews as coach, especially as I am hearing that some people are saying he was not such the greats player in his days with this famous old club

However, all is not lost, fellow FC Berry fans. I am hearing good news about the return to Giggland of that talented Canadian playmaker Tony Duckfield. Apparently he has been away in Poland fronting a company in the music business. Or was it maybe the Male Escort business? We are sending Dmitri over to see if we can get a piece of the action

Woodpecker is giving me this team for tomorrow’s game against Rex Ham. I told him to tell Mister Barrowsby that we will be expecting an improvement

Smallguy
Fallguy
Tallguy
Patrick
Fitz
William
Flipflop
Espadrille
Clog
Newbs
Pubes


Soapy
Ropey
Dopey
Gafferson
Child

Hej fellow FC Berry fans!

Old Arne is not pleased. Thanks to Woodpecker, my man in the dug-out, I am hearing about this fellow Flipflop who is writing a page in the programme where he gets cheap laughings by making rude and stupid comments about his fellow professionals. My Consortium colleagues and I did not get where we are today by making derogatory or comical comments about FC Berry players. Once our takeover is complete I will be showing the Giggland dressing room door to this talentless buffoon

On a happier note it seems the man we sent in to help out Mr Barrowsby is showing the early results. Well done Mr Rob Matthews! I believe he was a player for FC Berry in the last century, and nearly scored some memorable goals

Woodpecker assures me this is the team for Saturday’s game at Wickerman

Squat
Thrust
Tarquin
F’tang
Olay
Biscuitbarrel
Hunkyboy
Chunkyboy
Monkeyboy
Oldie
Newby

Soapy
Smarts
Stings
Hertz
Avis

Whut in the name of tarnation is goin' on over there in l'il ole England? The Consortium is all fired up to take control quicker than a gator huntin' down a groundhog, and yet what do we see? There's dissension in the ranks, accountants posting on that darn Y3K board, pitbulls and cabin men shouting the odds and some cotton pickin' varmint named shakerforever who needs a darn big bull whippin' 'cross his hide. In mah day, if I'd shown the same kinda foul tongue that boy exhibits, mah poppa, god bless his soul, woulda caned mah hide blacker than a bear in a tarpit, ya hear?

But never mind that, I'm a-here today to tell you all about our latest plans for the club, and these are our plans, let no heretic tell you diff'rent. First of all, we're gonna relocate the Shakers to Atlanta GA, hot damn. There's a hardcore of fans here who need top quality soccerball, yes sirree bob. Then we're gonna build them the Enorm-O-dome, kinda like a stadium y'all have over there in England, but bigger. The players will fly over first class on Romanovich Airlines, top quality Swedish masseuses on hand courtesy of good old Arne Uldiron. Pre-match meals of rare steak from mah ranch, topped with Starbuck's finest hogswine. Hot Damn!

Our source among the coaches, William Christopher, has sent through ideas about foreign imports, we're payin top dollar for some quality players like that feller Odebayo from Nigeria and the Bengal Tiger, yes sirree bob. And we're takin' advantage of a new training tip sourced from the Net. Badger Power is the way ahead, mah friends, sure as the wooly's mittens are supa, and the hannah Hotpants are smokin', y'hear? Hot Damn!

Expect more news from the Consortium just as soon as we've finalised our business models and painted that Cabin, y'hear?

Greetings Lanky persons!

I have been away so much with the investigations that I missed my beloved friends in the Consortium and watching for the results of our new club. We are so pleased to have raised the money to buy the ground and hope that the lovely hospitable and supportive Bury crowds will be pleased when they learn we have secured the club for now and forever Bury.

This is reminding me. This Forever Bury. What is it? Is it like the young Pilots we had in Communist times? I have asked Dmitri to check out the Polish Connection - this Mr Duckrace - he could be a plant by my old friend Walensa.

Big row with Irina now. She is obsessed with being Victoria Beckham of Berry and wants me to find a nice young David Beckham lookalike in the team she can be seen out with on the town in the high spots of Berry. I have been told that "Flickers" is the man with best pectorals and shaves all his body hair off.

She is mental. I think it is all the diuretics she takes for thinness.

Good result against the Gay Boys from the meadow. How long do you think it will be before we are in Premiership? I want me and Irina to go to Stamford Bridge to gloat over Roman and his skinny wife!

Dosveedanya tovarichamee

I am reading the FC Berry message board. What the Bolton Wanderers is going on? Apparently the Directors have all resigned and the Board now consists of 3 chimps called Ian and a Polish duck called Tony. This is too much!

My new mole Woodpecker is telling me that all the players are, how you say, in the dogging house after the game against Orientals. Time for Mr Barrowsby to start wielding the wide stick! Woodpecker says this team might do better on Saturday against FC Shrews. From what I am hearing, they couldn’t do any worse, eh?

Bulky
Sulky
Scotty
Potty
Totty
Hardy
Annual
Curly
Whirlie
Smarty
Tube

Newby
Oldby
Stalyboy
Whaleyboy
Barrowboy

I am knowing some of these names. Woodpecker tells me Hardy is the new boy from FC Stock Sport. Hardy is of course his nickname. Apparently his real name is Bradley Hardacre

Greetings one and all, William Christopher here! I must apologise for the long delay between correspondence but I was involved ina freak training ground accident involving my cycle shorts and a lycra crop top that had been carelessly discarded. Caught me right in the bollards. 14 months on, the rehab is going fine and I've been completing my UEFA C coaching badge. This means I am now fully qualified to drive the team to reserve and friendly fixtures.

There's been much talk of tactics, formations and positions that Bury are employing, and as a tactician and diary writer of the highest calibre, I must add my view. On Saturday, there was clearly a lack of communication between player and manager. Barrow instructed Whaley to play as an "outright striker" but the poor lad clearly thought it was three words, not two, and spent all his time languishing on the wing! Tut tut! It won't happen when ther Consortium takes over, clear lines of communication will be established at all levels.

I don't know if you have been watching Big Brother, but I am actually repsonsible for the design of the bedspreads.



The spotty array is a copy of my new tacticians pad, a revolutionary design cunningly fashioned from cardboard and sticky labels which allows the manager or coash to easily change formations with just a simple peel and stick action! The "William Christopher Coach's Learning Empathy Aid Navipad for Every Routine" (WC CLEANER for short) is available from all good coashing outlets, and comes free with every UEFA Class C award to help prospective coaches take their first steps towards formulating their own plans for world domination.

With my WC CLEANER and the cycling shorts, we will rule the division as soon as the money men conclude their dealings!

As always, keep it real, live it large!

Hot damn! This is one Yankee that's fryin' hotter than a shuttle re-entry this morning. Arne has faxed me about Saturday's TKO that leaves us 0 for 1 for the season. Y'know, the last time any of my teams stayed unbeaten was just after I took over the Troy Tempests at ma' alma mater, the grand ole U of T. Horse whippin' thuh hides of some pretty boy footballers sure seems to get em in shape for a long hard slog, and it looks like I'll be dispatchin' my man Clint over to Bury if thuh Shakers don't improve tomorrow, yes sir.

Speakin' of whippin' some hides, the Starbucks went en masse to see that new Dukes O'Hazzard flick last weekend, and let me tell ya somethin' boys, that Daisy Duke had ole Del's eyes poppin' out of his skull, even if ole Grandma Starbuck, bless her l'il ole holey cotton socks, kept on referring to her as a bit of a ho! "Git those pesky hos off thuh picture" she kept a-yellin'.

Mind you, a l'il female companionship is good for any real man, let me tell you that for nothin', and it's been brought to my a-ten-shun tha' the ole Y3K site is now in the hands of a woman! A darn fine thing too, the previous owner was a l'il too gay for my tastes anyhoo. Let me tell you, the lines of communication are now open, and I'd like tuh invite Hannah over to Starbuck Ranch, and I'll sure as heck throw her a big barbeque o' ribs and buffalo hide, sure as a rattlesnake sheds in mah summer house, yes sirree bob.

Del will be watchin' REAL close tomorrow night when Orient come to town, jus' remember boys, muh whips are always close to hand, or my name's not Del Starbuck III. Holla if ya hear muh callin'.

Woodpecker is giving me the exclusive scoopings as to the team for tomorrow nights game against Late and Orients. I'm not recognizing these names. I asked him which striker is Pants but he said "any of them". What can this be meaning?

Little
Lefty
Panic
Stricken
Trio
Wrongfoot
Bicker
Flicker
Snicker
Smarty
Pants

Bigkeeper
Gafferslad
Workhorse
Carthorse
Woodenhorse

My new informant Woodpecker is telling me that FC Berry have lost their first game 2 - 1. I understand this means they have been conceding 2 goals. This is not so good

I am ringing Del's friend Malky G, the new owner of MG Rovers in Manchester and asking him how to stop this flow of goals against. He is telling me his secret, that comes straight fromTampa Bay Bucketeers. It is simple; pack the D-fence!

So now I am telling Woodpecker to have the word with Mr Graham Barrowsby. Get all your defenders on the field at once! Watch out for an exciting new T-shaped formation against Latent Orientals on Tuesday night. This could be the turning point!

Hej FC berry fans!

Old Arne is still keeping the beady eyeball on your quaint little cash strapped club. In fact, so much do I have the, as you English people say, soft place for FC Berry that I have once again signed up a squad member as my spy in the campus. I know this has proved dangerous in the past; each time I put one on the Uldiron Enterprises Slushfund payroll they get the heaving hoe shortly afterwards

This one is a bit how you say wider in the tooth than the previous ones. I can't reveal his name, for security porpoises, but I shall give him the cunning codename of Woodpecker. Maybe he's a bit of a headbanger! Is the good English humour, yes?

Woodpecker has sent me the likely team for tomorrow which is in some place called Chelnum. But he said he doesn't know all of the them as it seems Mr Barrowsby has been busy in the transferring market. Hej, maybe this is FC Berry's big year, eh?

Smallman
Fitz
Misfitz
Newdaddy
Olds
Youngs
Latecomer
Incomer
Newcomer
Journeyman
Newman

Newby
Deadleggy
Haysifantaze
Johnwaynis
Bigleggy