Woodpecker is telling me about big things happening at Giggland this week, with the departure of Mister Barrowsby, and the temporary promotion of this young Gasping fellow

But more interestingly our Consortium are spotting the story about this boy Parrish, and are appalled to see he is a Bolton supporter. Dmitri is, how you say, heat-footing straight to Giggland where he is having a word in this boy’s right ear. Dmitri is planting a picture of the offending ear in the local newspaper, as a warning to any other FC Berry players who do not support their own team

Dmitri is also at the game on Tuesday night keeping close to this other fellow from Bolton, Peter Farlow and has sat beside him in the stand to, how you say, put the frightenings on him. I expect him to withdraw his ill-advised application before long. My Consortium colleague Pete Zaparla has identified our preferred managerial candidate and Dmitri has hand-delivered our man’s application. Obviously Arne is not one to name any names at this stage, except to say Forza FC Berry!

Woodpecker tells me that the boy Gasping has his own ideas about team formation and selection. Apparently this is the squad for Saturday’s game against FC Lincombe

Boyo
Parrish
Preest
Woody
Guthrie
Hardy
Annual
Cannon
Ball
Littlan
Large


Sedge
Wedge
Meetantu
Veg
Pudding

Hot damn! I've been sent two emails this morning which have got me all fired up! The first is the type of imbecilic outburst that typifies the way our Consortium is perceived!

Dear "Mr Starbuck", It has come to our attention that this Consortium which you purport to represent is in no way a geniune reality, and we have prima facie evidence that you are in fact the figment of someone's imagination. You appear merely to be a bunch of (admittedly well thought out) national stereotypes and caricatures of well-known footballing names. We challenge you to prove us otherwise!

Yours dubiously, Mr S Shagger, Swansea and Mr Linnacre, Broadcasting House.

Lemme tell you folks something, old Del here is runnin' hotter than a Chevrolet engine in a heatwave. The las' time I got so steamed was when folks down in my neck o' the woods thought ma l'il cousin Bobby was a-dead and it turned out he was merely takin' a darn long shower. Yes sirree!

Dmitri's presence at Gigg Lane on Tuesday should have proved the doubters that we are in fact the real deal, and it's only a matter of time before our man Wim takes hold of the tactical reins and we assume control of Bury.

On that very note, the second message was from Arne ...

Hello, Texas persons!

A Wim away! A Wim away! The lion is sleeping tonight.

Arne.

p.s. I cannot believe what I am hearing from Woodpecker! He tells me that this weekend Bury's new forward line will be Tiptoe and a not-so-smart man who is also Smart! How can this be? I would prefer to see us sign a goalscorer from local City of Manchester, Mr Makin and pair him with this former Liverpool player, the fan favourite Jon Newby Lurve. I am sure the Bury fans will truly enjoy Makin - Lurve on the Gigg Lane turf!

p.p.s. you will not believe this but I was in England recently and it cost almost 15 pounds for me and my wife Loda to eat a bag of fish and chips! No wonder people are, how you say, living beneath their averages.

Del would also like it made official that the Consortium has invested heavily in a young Chinese talent from the minor leagues and we're hoping he'll be picked up in the major league draft in January. For now we have located Hee Ton Park to a fringe outpost just South of Bury. Holla if ya hear me in Pilsworth!

Arne is not a happy rabbit this week. I am hearing that last weeks performance was no improvement despite Mister Barrowsby and his faithful assistant Rob Mathews getting a draw. This means 6 points in 9 games. Surely its time the so-called board of FC Berry did something about this and put the poor man out of his misery. Instead of, as you say, kitty footing about for 10 games why don’t they make a decision now before its too late?

These are desperate times, my fellow FC Berry fans, and call for strong measurements. If my consortium was in charge we’d have paid the current management off on the Monday morning after 9 games, put somebody from the youth team in temporary charge, and have done with it

This downward spiral cannot continue! I want to see some action soon! As you crazy English say, bah handbags!!

No team from Woodpecker this week. He sounded a bit upset over the phone, mumbled something about a crisp Gasper, which according to my book of UK slang means smoking a quick cigarette. And he said something about David’s blue cannon. What the modesty blazes is going on???? And who is this Carlo Palmieri fellow who keeps leaving messages with my office? Between him and this Ivan Atkinson fellow I'm not getting a minute's piece

Like, lol lol lol! Silly me!

I accidentally sent Wim's application to the in-trays at every League 2 club! tee hee, lol! Still, our ultimate aim will be to take over the entire football world, so we might as well start somewhere!

Hippos are sooooo cute xx lol

Sure! So this Barrow has been laid off and now the Consortium is ready to fill the gap. We are, how do you say, shmoking a poke in a hoke. I have filed the manager's application under the pseudoname Sam Mack, and soon we will be unveiled at the club - sure!

Rumours have reached the Hot Hash Club here in shmoky Amsterdam that another candidate for the job is Paris Hilton! Imagine if the lads wanted some "Gaffer tape" - that's something I'd like to see! Of course we can see many such kinds of tape right here in Amsterdam, for sure, sometimes in a window on the street!

Of course, something the Consortium need to say is that for many months now we have been increasing our stake in the video market! Sure! Abram sent Dmitri to acquire a major holding in High Flyers Video Distribution, and - can I let you into a little secret, my hash-lovin fun chums? - it's the very company that has put together Paris Hilton's interview tape! For sure! We think that although she is great on the job, she is maybe not so great for the job. I am sensing a little joke for you there, hey Bury fans?

Of course in football a week is a very long time and I have decided to revise my BARROW tactical plan, sure! Now I have devised a new shmokin' tactical outlet. I am codenaming it, the how you say, Creative Artistry Striker Potential for Earning Results. We are hoping that Bury will take on CASPER for the short term, as you say!

OK I must go and meet Arne and Del to discuss our next move, Amsterdam style. Remember, all the players will soon know what it means to have Wim Bonus in their heads!

Here in Norway we are enjoying watching this fellow Freddie Flintlock who has been on the satellite television. Apparently he has become the English national hero by single-handedly beating a bunch of ugly Australians in a drinking competition that lasted 5 days. This is the kind of effort we could do with seeing at FC Berry

Woodpecker has given me this team for tomorrow’s game at Giggland, against someone who he described as bostin’. According to my dictionary of UK slang, this a Black Country expression meaning very good. Lets hope they’re not as good as the Mighty Shakers, eh? Woodpecker says that Mr Barrowsby’s new defence are pretty tough. He also said the rest of the team and the bench have formed some sort of Five o’Clock club. Is this where they go straight to the pub after the game without having a shower, and proceed to get completely Freddied? This smells of no good

Cummin
Avago
Iffya
Thinkya
Hardy
Nuff
Walley
Whyton
Ollie
Beak
Muriel


Youngs
Fred
Barkers
Bert
Weedons

Hello Lanky boys and gurls - especially to the new Anna krins who looks like one of the twins that I find so flexible. I wouldn't mind showing her my collection of football clubs. I am getting the sickness of reading the comments on the Berry football messageboard about the manager. I sent Dmitri to examine Mr Barrose kneecaps at the beginning of the season so I hope things will only get better - only in your Dreems!

Dmitri had some troubling information for me. He recognised one of the players from the rear in the club corridor playing table tennis. Big shoulders, bull neck, arms looking like he is carrying vodka barrels, it was former Russian Shotputter Davina Flickovic - how does she get to play for Berry?

Now to money. I paid 3million roubles to persuade Malcolm Glazer (He is girl too) to send his United team to play when Berry is not playing at stadium. This is good business as we can get Dmitri to persuade the Giggses and the Roonees to stay and play for Berry - simple and good investment.

I have done digging on Directors and found one who runs show. He is Dark Satanic Mills who runs olde people homes - perfect for running club yes?! His kneecaps is being scrutinised as I dictate this to twins. I wonder if Anna would like me to dictate to her?????

Like, oh godddd! Wowee, the flight was so totally awesome, sooooo coool! So we went up in Abram's plane, a big white one, it was soooo lovely, you know? I always wanted to be a high flyer! The same colour as my teeth! Daddy was there, and all the media came, and we promoted the Consortium and I had my photo taken lots and lots, which made me very happy! It was like Britney in the video, i wore a little blue outfit and everything! Dmitri asked me to join the Mile High Club, which he said needed me to go to the toilet cubicle with him. No way, I said, doesn't he know that girly girls only share toilets with other girly girls? So I asked him to give me some forms anyway, I'll join up when I get some free time!

Sooo, anyway, I've been compiling dossiers on all my Consortium colleagues for the media, and I've colour coded them up properly, sooooo like red is for Arne, because that is the colour of the flag of Norway, which is somewhere North, like North Carolina. Jimmy Fazackerly has a black folder, because he is from Blackburn, tee hee! I've given a lovely lush green to Pete Zaparla, it's like my favourite colour, I paint all my nails this colour and they're like fabulous! Buck says it looks like I pick my nose a lot, but he's sooo gross. I think I'm gonna ditch him. Like, this Daddy's girl doesn't need some rude boy hanging on to her coat-tails.

Like, the media sooo love me! We've made it into Cosmo!



My email group is getting bigger now, and I asked the other guys in the Consortium to send me some info for their dossiers. Sooo here's what I've got together to tell the press!

Arne Uldiron
He's lovely, but his English is a little funny! His sisters, wife, cousins and nieces all work for his companies. He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very rich! Sigh!

Del Starbuck
He's a big man in Texas! Hollers a lot, loves to eat, loves a bit of sauce (tee hee). He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very rich! Aaaah!

Pete Zaparla
Former chairman of a former Premiership team. He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very rich! Mmmm!

Abram Romanovich
He employs many men who do his dealings for him, has a very glamorous wife and is influential in Russia! He doesn't know anything about football, but he has many contacts and is very, very, very rich!

Wim Bonus
TOTAL genius. Doesn't make any sense at all because of the hash! He knows everything there is about football, but doesn't know anything about anything else because his brain has been eroded! Used to be rich but spent it all in Amsterdam, which he says is in Europe, which is like up North, like North Carolina!

William Christopher
I don't know much about William, but he emailed me a photo of his lycra shorts and he's like, wowee! Hot flushes here! He's soooo manly!

Jimmy Fazakerly
A real sweetie pie, with an adorable English accent! Sooo sweet! Knows lots about football and the scouts!

Arne has been telling me that blogging is "not big or clever", but I am loving it! I write some pages myself and they're sooo great! They're awesome for putting on lots of lovely pictures too, tee hee. Next week I will be setting up a new media promotion. Like, I have already signed up to promote footwear and boots and you can see me in a new fishing boots promotion: Anna Kins - Dark Waders!

Anna is researching this y3kbourd.com and is showing me this website called Bigbloggyholme or some such nonsense. What is this blogging thing? Arne is not getting it. What kind of sad and stupid people would write a blog page? But Anna is telling me it is like, soooo funny, for sure! I am putting her straight and no mistakings. My Consortium colleagues and I did not get where we are today by being funny

And who is this Tottenham White fellow who is insulting our Consortium? What is he doing on an FC Berry message bourd anyway? We are sending Dmitri to North London to make a few enquiries amongst the White Hart Lane faithful. We'll see if we can give this fellow something to laugh about, eh?

Woodpecker has given me this team for tomorrow’s crunch game at Norse Hampden Park. Apparently Mr Barrowsby thinks this fellow Martin Smith is by far the greatest footballer ever seen. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of him

Tiny
Whiny
Shiny
Softy
Hardy
Walley
Whyton
Pussycat
Willum
Tiptoe
Pussyfoot

Fitboy
Fatboy
Dootsy
Bootsy
Snudge

Yo Mamma, has Jimmy done a job or what?! That gal is hotter than a spitroast sizzlin' on a BBQ at Cousin Amelia's House o'Ribs, yes sirree. Now folks, thuh time has come to publicly demonstrate our actions at a higher level, and when ah say higher, ah do mean HIGHER. I've commandeered Abram's jet and next week our media manager will be taking to the skies to promote the Consortium.

Tha's right, make no mistake. Just one week from today, we will reveal to the waiting press, the hottest thing to come from the US since my special sizzlin' sauce, Anna Kins, Sky Walker. Hot DAMN.

You go, girl, tickle ma toes.

PS: You got mail in your inbox. Direct action, y'hear? Dmitri is watching.

Now let muh get another thing straight. Some folks over there at that darn Y3K site have been suggestin' that this Consortium is somehow not thuh real deal. Let muh tell you somethin' for nothin', that's a load of ole horsecrap! You ask for my sweet Maria, who's waitin' for me in Amarillo, and just ask her if Del ain't a real man.

In other matters of soccerball, we have confirmed our interest in Nigerian superstar soccerballer Odebayo an' offered him a fat corntrack, an' he has promised - an' when ah say promised, ah do mean promised - t'come on board jest as soon as thuh transfer window opens again. This hyar group is payin a top dollar whack fo' these outplayers, make no mistake.

Hey Bury supporters. Sure, I almost lost it back over in Amsertdam for a few days but the hash-filled air gave me a chance to do a lot of thinking lately about, how you say it, on pitch matters things and was chatting to my friend's Dennis and Ruud, for sure. They reckon I should implement the Bury's Alamo Rearguard Reactionary Offensive Weapon (or BARROW for short).

I have personally selected Jimmy Petruzzinelloiannibaresi as our new fitness/tictacs coach. He will start work on the youngsters and eventually help the manager work out the best formation using BARROW for the players to use. My calculations are that by May of next year we will have worked out how to get a system that the players are happy and comfortable with. We should really make a move up the table at that point, for sure.

Like the rest of his Consortium colleagues, Arne is very happy to welcome our new media spokesperson Anna Kins onto the payroll. She is a pretty young thing who could, how you say, make a happy man very old

Of course my 2 daughters Rusty and Heapa are getting upset as they thought they were assured high-profile jobs in the Consortium’s media lounge, but I am telling them not to be too dismayed. I will soon be appointing them as joint front women for my new campaign against nepotism which I hear has been creeping its insidious way into some corners of Uldiron Family Entreprises Global Inc

I am starting to tell Anna to get her face about a bit, perhaps by infiltrating some of the web sites devoted to FC Berry. And I am asking her to look into this strange language that they speak on this y3kbourd.com. Particularly I am intrigued as to what is norks, and have asked Anna to find out, and keep me abreast of the situation

But as I am issuing these instructions I am sensing young Anna is upset about something, and am encouraging her to tell her new Uncle Arne all about it. She is telling me that she has met someone at the Gym who is being nasty to her. I am telling her to worry no further! We will send Dmitri over to carry out some late-night maintenance to one of the multi-gyms, if you get my driftwood. So before long this other gymlady will have difficulty sitting on her hands, although the good news is she won’t have to spend any more money on gloves

This is one of the great things about being Movers and Shakers. We can make problems go away. Talking of which, I see many of the FC Berry fans are trying to make their particular problem go away, but it seems that Mr Barrowsby and his assistant Rob Matthews are not for going. I shall be watching this situation very carefully

The Consortium is about to be expanded. Following lengthy discussions and meetings at Del's ranch, we appointed our scout Jimmy Fazakerly to source us a female figurehead who could head up our public and media face. We had three basic requirements: a desire to be photographed, a passion for football and (importantly) the ability to refrain from sitting on her hands. This is a keep it real, live it large position, you know what I'm saying, no idleers or time wasters please, schizzlemanizzle.

We believe that Jimmy has unearthed the perfect candidate, and she will announce herself soon.

Hot damn! That there Tipton is a fine acquisition, momma. A good soccerballer by all accounts, and he makes the best damn ice tea this side o' Cousin Besses'. Yes, sirree. Holla out there for ya, Wim ma buddy, good to see ya over there in l'il ole Amsterdam. Higher than a Texas mockingbird in a serious updraft, no mistake!

Sure! Del and Jimmy have tracked me down here at the Hazy World of Hash cafe in Amsterdam for a, how you say it, wagging of the chin about the tactics. After the success of my TOTAL-2 coaching regime, I'm working on the latest masterplans of the tactics for my Consortium buddies. We are all having an Amsterdam of a good time!

Allow me to present to you, the Wim Bonus GOLDMEDAL (Sure! That's the GOal-rich Lazy Diagonal Midfield Excursion Diversionary ALliance tactical) plan, in which we create a diversion by allowing midfielders to invade the opposition penalty area while all the time the strikers have shielded the ball behind them on the left wing! Genius! Like a pig in a poke! If played right, you can have 8 of your players in the box at once, a kind of 808 State, if you know what I like!

So, Jimmy is telling me about this Barrow and how he plays the game in a long ball way? Isn't that "veird", you know what I mean? This is kind of my thing, the tactical nous, so I am saying to you, when we take over we will not be playing this way! Sure! We will play a toit defence, very very toit, with toit midfield pressing hard and strikers who can fire the ball into the goal, for sure! 4-4-2, a toit diamond, sure!

Now we must return and fire up a shmoke, so I will catch you later, Bury fun boys!

A bong and a blintz, very very coooool, yes!

Hej to all you die harding fans of FC Berry!

Last week we are sending Dmitri over to Mandersfield to, how you say, have the chatter with the strange fellow Palmer, which resulted in Matthew Tiptoe suddenly becoming available to join FC Berry

But my Consortium colleagues and I are disappointed to hear that the performances are still poor. Perhaps Mr Barrowsby no longer has the master plan?

However Woodpecker is telling me that there is good spirit amongst the players. He says there are some dreadful puns doing the rounds in the first X1 and also a sort of fellowship has developed amongst the substitutes

Woodpecker is also telling me that the fans are revolting. But I am knowing this already from the photographs on this website called The Mighty Shakers. What a title! Is the good English irony, yes?

I am assured by Woodpecker that this is the team against FC Karl Island on Friday night. I have never heard of this place, but I believe it has some connection with Mr Anders Prest who used to pace up and down outside the same Giggland dugout that Mr Barrowsby now sits inside

Titch
Micken
Beaky
Dozy
Dave. D
Hardy
Boysan
Nancy
Drew
Tiptoe
Two-lips


Goodfellow
Oddfellow
Longfellow
Youngfellow
Oldfellow