We have put our Consortium colleague Jimmy Fazakerly (or is it Fazzakerly? I’m never sure, neither is he for that matter) on the inside of this exciting new regime at FC Berry. Jimmy is a world class fitness coach, even if he says so himself. Naturally he is working under how you say, the presumed name

Once again my man on the insides, Woody Woodpecker is giving me a sneak preview of Mr Gasper’s team for tomorrows game against FC Not Counting. He says this week’s team all have a roving brief

Cushie
Holliday
Jobs
Craig
Doyle
Flicker
Snicker
Allen
Whicker
Michael
Palin

Nicholas
Knowles
Simon
Calders
Moulton

Arne, yer li'l Norwegian rascal, I've just bin sorting out an amalgamation of two of my franchises here in Texas. A mini-consortium if you will. I've joined my up and comin' Galveston Banderos with the mighty San Antonio Spurs to form the San Antonio Banderos.

Perhaps those l'il minor league outfits you deal with could do the same - FC Berry and FC Halle Facts would make a damn fine FC Halle Berry. Now that would be an eyeful like a varmint in a voletrap and no mistake. Holla if ya hear me!

Arne is not so happy this week. I am hearing from my local literary agent that a couple of fellows on the FC Berry message boards are casting the apersives on our Consortium, and in particular on the exclusive team information that I am providing each week. My man tells me one of these 2 fellows is called something like Terry Hick, and his friend who agrees with him all the time is called Older Matey. However Arne is not going to lose the sleeps over this. My informant tells me they are probably the same person, which explains why they appear to be sharing one brain cell between them

I am hearing good things about the boy Gaspers. Perhaps it is time FC Berry give him the job for the full time, eh?

I am also hearing from my dressing room badger that FC Berry are playing in a Mickey Mouse competition against some non-league club on Tuesday night. Well I can give young Gaspers some advice here; don’t risk any first team players in this Disney competition! Play reserve and youth team players; give some of the youth players a squad number if you have to. I am fully confident that FC Berry’s second string players will be able to beat the likes of FC Halle Facts without, as you say, damaging sweat

Woodpecker is giving me exclusive details of tomorrow’s team against Manchester City. He said that Mr Gaspers has brought in some new players, but the whole team are a bunch of sweeties

Midget
Jemm
Murray
Myntte
Penney
Chew
Black
Jack
Flicker
Snicker
Smartie

Wein
Gumm
Sher
Burt
Fountain

Surrre! Wim is thinking all this crazy talk about integrated systems is reminding him of the how you say, shmokin tactical system I developed straight out of the Dutch National Tactical Academy way back in the summer of 69. It was my first real system, bought by PSV for five guilders and a dime!

I recall it well, even though much of my memory is addled by all this hash haze here in shmoky van Hooijdonk arcade in Amshterdam's redlight district - it is all hazy fantazy as I think my good friend Jimmy would say. I called it the Wim Bonus Attacking Striking System utilising Wingers for Prime Effectiveness (or Wim Bonus, ASSWIPE for short). I'm telling you, no-one could manage that integrated system though, it was like a pig in a pancake, and I think the PSV board even banned the use of ASSWIPE after a short time!

On that note, my friends, I must go - it is my sister Eejsta's birthday and I need to pick her up a little something. Surre!

Keep it real and live it large! Arne, you tell the truth my man. Speaking of integrated systems, I was reading yesterday that BT have developed an MP3 player that fits inside a silicon breast implant. Apparently it will be made available in the next 15 years.

That's nothing. My enhanced cycle shorts not only host a wide set of tools, I've bin known to tuck ma hiphop jive beatbox down there, willy nilly! Of course, some gaffers have said it gets in the way of sliding tackles, and impairs my passing ability, but I'll tell you what, I've made a good few passes at the ladies round here with a little James Brown beating out from my box, oh yes!

Mind you, it didn't seem to work as well when I turned on a bit of Puff Daddy. Schizzlemanizzle!

Hej all you crazy fans of FC Berry!

Our man Roberto is having to, as you say, pull off from the FC Berry Management race as he has gone down with catarrh. But not to worry, I am beginning to think this young fellow Casperwicz is, how you say, made of the right material. Which part of Poland is he from, I am wondering?

I am hearing he has introduced a fitness coach, something that might have helped during Mister Barrowsby’s reign. But I am thinking that FC Berry needs an more integrated approach to these new systems and I am getting Woodpecker to suggest that the boy Casperwicz appoints an Integrated Systems Manager. I shall, how you say, be keeping the eyeball out for a suitable candidate for this prestigious position. Knowing my luck, he’ll probably have just accepted a similar position somewhere else!!

As ever, as a public service to you loyal FC Berry fans I am getting my man Woodpecker to give me a sneak preview of the team for tomorrows game against FC Darlings Town

Blocker
Shocker
Davey
Jones
Locker
Daley
Whaley
Bailey
Bridges
Cross
Rivers

More
Mellany
Warbell
Brand
Newquay

Anna is telling me that the inside poop at Giggland is that our man Roberto will be “about or thereabout” as you groovy English people say. He and our tactician Wim Bonus will be the dream team for FC Berry, or my name is not Arne Lori Fulle Uldiron

Woodpecker is telling me this team for tomorrow night’s game at FC Diamond Rush Town. I have heard of the Gold Rush, but this is a new one on me. He said something about Mr Gaspers getting an ‘ed ache, trying to pick an original man sized team

Welsh
Legend
Mann
Michael
Jones
Clive
John
Derrick
Leonard
Terry
Williams

Mellany
Oldie
Goodby
Newby
Tuesday

Like, oh my goddd! I've been posted out to Lancaster, which is up North, like Norway. Dmitri has been helping me settle in up here, he's like soooo friendly, although he did take a couple of young lads who were looking at me funny in the bar for a long walk round by the duckpond. Come to think of it, I haven't seen them since.

While we await news of Wim's managerial appointment (apparently he is on a short list, which is quite funny because he is only 1.6 metres tall!), we're looking for press cuttings and news about the Consortium so I can compile a colour coded dossier for us!

Why not drop us a line and let me know what you think of the Consortium!
theconsortium@hotmail.co.uk

Tee hee! Thank you also to lots of lovely people who have been sending in Jaffa cakes for me!

Weeeey and I'm done!