Hej all you crazy FC Berry fans!

I am trying to read some of the stuff on the FC Berry message board, but I am in despair. You know that with me coming from Norway my English is, how you say, not the biggest, but really, what is that all about? My advice to the posters in question would be to purchase a Dictionary, available from all good booqueshops. That way you won’t come across as being as thique as 2 short planques

You’ve probably wondered what is happening to our Consortium colleague Abram, who is being unusually quiet recently. The last I heard he is in quarantine in his yacht after Irina’s talking parrot has developed Bird Flu

Woodpecker is faxing me the team for Saturday's match against FC Chelt and Hams. He has written “Spud’s back” at the top of the list, whatever that’s supposed to mean


Short
Order
Cook
King
Edwards
Jersey
Royle
Murphy
Grattan
Duchesse
Jackett


Kleek
Leader
Woolley
Hatton
Mittens

Sure! Anna is telling me that our email box has been overflowing with messages recently. Someone has contacted Wim! Anna says that a Mr Wooly Mittons wants to know how I started to devise my tactical plans. So hej folks, let me tell you a little story.

A long time ago, before even the Consortium was created, I was the coach at a junior college team in my home town of Knee, a tiny village on the polders. We were not too good, kind of like a Rochdale of the college divisions, yes? Never too good, never too bad, going nowhere. So I began to spend many a long hour reading the works of the great masterminds like Rommel, the Chinese Dim Sum and the greatest of them all, Magnus Magnusson. Oh sure, you may think that Magnus is only a minor TV celebrity but let me tell you, when he starts something, he finishes it too. Sure! And Wim is all about the finishing.

So after many weeks learning the craft - I think during this time I also started to shmoke, but my memory of that is a little bit hazy - I went to the head coach, a great man named Metgod, and told him that the key to victory over any opposition was quite simple. In fact it could all be summed up in one word. Knowledge. Information. Data.

And that, Mr Mittons, was when I devised my first tactical masterplan! It was called the Wim Bonus Certain Level of Inspired Control through Knowledge. It was a sure fire winner, hej! You may have heard of it in fact, I have been told that its name is being, how you say, band-aided about now in certain circles!

It was named in honour of my home town. Perhaps you will be able to keep an ear to the ground for it, yes? It's name? Ah yes ...

Knee CLICK.

Thanks to my how you say “mole in the hole” here is an exclusive peek at tonight’s team against FC Jayne Mansfield. She was one of my favourite actresses, a big girl in her day, although they say she lost her head towards the end

Woodpecker tells me things are looking a bit bleak in the FC Berry house. He also said the midfield quartet will be laying down the law, but the front 2 aren’t expecting a result anytime soon. And he said that the subs bench is starting to look more secure

Smallweed
Snagsby
Jellyby
Skimpole
Krook
Clamb
Kenge
Tulkinghorn
Guppy
J Arndyce
V J Arndyce


Dedlock
Wedlock
Shedlock
Fivelever
Mortice

I am hearing that although young Mr Gasper’s teams are playing the attractive passing football, they are a bit how you say soft in the central. I am remembering some of the hardman players who have graced the English football teams in the past. People like Ron “Hatchet” Harris, and Rory “Billy” Bremner and of course the great Vinnie “Lost stockings and barrels” Jones. Now I am thinking that FC Berry would benefit from having one, or better still 2 hardman players who would beef things up on the field and in the dressing room. So listen up FC Berry fans, Arne has had the most brilliant idea! We should sign those 2 brothers from the BBC show Easting Enders which is being very popular here in Norway, you know, Phil and Bruv Mitchell! They would make the rest of the hardmen in our division look like girls!!

Woodpecker tells me this week’s team has a backward look to it

Short
Storey
Long
Cutter
Balletto
Spandau
Tickband
Roman
New
Boyes
Kemp

Bound
Mussell
Barricades
Tudor
Gold