I am making the most fantastic discovery about FC Berry this week. Apparently the big man who owns the ground has appointed himself as Assistant Manager so he can keep an eye on team affairs. How brilliant is that? I mean, I thought I was smart with my moles, Woodpecker in the squad and Thatcher in the boardroom, but to put yourself into the dugout, that is awesome! Respect to the man they call IM!

Talking of Woodpecker he is telling me this week that since the Millsyman has moved in, he wants me to change his codename because he is worried about a securocrat outing. I am thinking this is maybe the team’s Christmas jolly to Blackpool, but apparently it is something altogether more sinister. Anyway, from now on I will be calling him by an innocuous, typical Lower Division footballer’s name. I’ve decided to call him Lee Burrow

By the way, what ever happened to the young Italian-Irish fellow Paolo Shaughnessy who played for FC Berry when our Consortium first embarked on our long journey to take over the club? I’m sure he will be a big hit wherever he goes

Lee is sending me this team sheet for Boxing Day’s game against FC Grimupnorth. He’s written at the bottom this strange message; “Carol, can you smell fish?”

Little
Towner
Bethlehem
Swanson
Royle
Davids
Sittee
Decker
Hallsworth
Bowser
Holly


Falalalala
Lua-Lua
Merrey
Christmas
Allbury-Ffoulkes

The average age for media managers in the Consortium is, like, 19. Nnnnnn nineteen. How brilliant is that? Wheeeeeeeeeeeey.

Sorry for the lack of messages lately, but you know how busy we girlies are! There's also been a bit of a problem with the media centre, which crashed unexpectedly. Normally I have no problem when things go down for days but on this occasion it was very vexing. I phoned daddy to complain, but even he couldn't help. I've been helping Abram and Dmitri with their media image, we've been out buying lovely new winter gear for the Consortium Christmas photoshoot (they're wearing traditional Russian gear under their fur coats, I'm wearing ... well, you'll just have to wait and see!).

Arne has sent me a lovely picture of a Norwegian moose with the words "Maybe this is reminding you of your fans in Grimeland, no?". Tee hee, he is such a funny man!

My cunning plan for my new boardroom mole Thatcher is going well. I decided to mis-spell her title, and thus her email address. This means that no-one will be able to contact her with trivial fan business and divert her from her real task. Is brilliant, yes?

Along with my Consortium colleagues Del and Abram, I am pleased that oil shares have greatly increased in price, since that mysterious refinery fire last week. I believe Dmitri is getting a bigger than normal Xmas bonus this year

Talking about being on fire, I am expecting the big things this Saturday at home against FC Wickerman after last week’s impressive away win. Woodpecker says this week’s team like a laugh, and have reason to celebrate. And he said the subs have some fancy footwork between them

Little
Britton
Ashley
Jensen
Christopher
Langham
Paulo
Grady
Comedia
Ward
Winner


Jackson
Gough
Ball
Victor
Darren

I’m am becoming intrigued by this boy Gasper who is in charge of FC Berry, and am wondering if he is the right sort of fellow to be Manager when our Consortium finally takes over the club. So I am hatching this cunning plan, which is to send in one of my top UK agents on a fact-finding mission. The clever bit is that I am planning to send my man in the guise of an up and coming journalist, doing a piece for some obscure lifestyle magazine. You know the sort of thing “Have you heard any good pictures lately” or “What is David Beckham really like?” or “Lloyd Cole knew my father” interspersed with a few leading questions

But blow me down vicar, no sooner am I thinking this plan up, when I am hearing that someone has already done it! Well, what are the chances being of that?

So instead I am reverting to Plan B which is put one of our top lady agents into the FC Berry corridors of power. Obviously I can’t reveal her real name, to risk , how you say, blowing off under her covers. But I expect regular reports from my new mole, who I shall call Thatcher

Woodpecker is sending me the team for Saturdays game in the Orient. He says young Gaspers squad mean big business

Tiny
Rowland
Richard
Branson
James
Goldsmith
Rupert
Murdoch
John
Harvey
Jones

Kerry
Packer
William
Randolph
Hearst

I am hearing from my eye-spy man Woodpecker that Mister Gaspers is still having trouble getting a number two. We are having stuff here in Norway that can solve that problem. I shall send a bottle over shortly

On a similar note what is taking him so long appointing an assistant I am wondering. There must be fellows coming free every week as the crazy English League managerial merrygoround continues. What about the fellow Colin Henders who is being dismissed recently at FC Blackpools? We must be able to get him surely. I’m sure he’s every bit as good as the next man. Step on it FC Berry!!

Woodpecker is sending me the team line-up against FC Barnet Haircuts. He said young Gasper is taking a modern novel approach this week. He also said the, how you say, dug up where the substitutes sit is becoming a bit of a crowded house


Welshman
Scott
Fitzgerald
Grayte
Gatsby
John
Steinbeck
Kannery
Rowe
Mark
Twayne

Huckleberry
Finn
Brothers
Timon
Neill