Arne my Norvegian friend! You are in the Costa Sol and not calling round to my yacht in Puerto Banus? Last time I checked down below the twins are still here and would be pleased to give you the service!

Sorry but I think Dmitri is cause of Rob O not being around in his Berry bar. As you know, Dmitri has big thing over kneecaps and this man is always walking round with shorts...

My absence is due to investigation into my gas pipelines. I have diverted the gas from former Soviet territories to make money in EU with high prices but was found out when another man in shorts digs hole in Gigg Lane pitch to expose my pipes! Mr Mills, I have shown Dmitri your picture...

On player front. We had private party for George Galloway in Monaco last night and hired David Bowie to entertain us. He was dressed as Alladin Sane from my favourite album. George said he was dead spit for Rula Lenska! Dmitri persuaded him to write new words to "Starman" for Berry new signing and here it is!


JARMAN

Didn’t know what day it was the ball came low oh oh
I leaned back and I flexed my toe oh oh
Left back was givin' me some ball control, "Score a goal", he said.
Then the loud crowd did seem to fay ay ade
Came back like a slow voice on a wave of phay ay ase
That weren’t no miskick that was a hazy cosmic goal

There’s a Jarman we would like to buy
He’d like to come and play for us
But the money we can't find.
There’s a Jarman we would like to buy,
He's told us not to save up
Cause he knows it’s not worthwhile
He told me:
The Club would only lose it
They not allowed to use it
Let's do the Bas Savage boogie!

I am in Malaga last weekend looking at a team in which I have a small interest. Obviously I can’t reveal the name of my team, suffice it to say that Celta Vigo made it look easy. Bluddy rubbish unnamed team! Tapia OUT!!!!

Later in the weekend I am looking at potential property development in the bustling resort of Arroyo de Miel, when I come across a busy little bar called the Anytime. This turns out to be a pleasant oasis from the usual Little Britain mentality with a multi cultural clientele and a young friendly Scandinavian staff. But my interest is immediately raised by the realisation that this place is a shrine to FC Berry, the little team that has so captured my heart. Pride of place goes to a shirt, framed and mounted on the wall, which apparently was once worn by a FC Berry legend called Theboy Forrest. There is no sign of the owner but my enquiries reveal that he is a shadowy figure known as “The Boss” or sometimes referred to as “Rob O” I am sending Dmitri over next month to make a few background enquiries, if you get my meanings

My mole Lee Burrow is giving me this team for Saturdays game against FC Cobblers. I am hearing that young Gasper is interested in signing an exciting player called Pallindrum. More news next week hopefully

Flapper
Trapper
Yorkie
Barr
Yogi
Behr
Bubu
Gelly
Stone
Park
Pikanik

Wellcome
Nathan
Jarman
Young
Tyke

My Consortium colleague Abram Romanovic is a resourceful fellow. Years ago when he was just a young, how you say, up-and-going mogul he signed a deal with the Kremlin to buy the sack-cloth mailbags produced by prisoners in the Gulags. In return for paying these insurgent lowlife a rouble a day and all the weevil infested black bread they could eat, he formed a company to export their wares around the world for a variety of uses

My suspicions are being raised last week when I am hearing about the drainage problems at Giggland. We are sending Dmitri in overnight with a shovel to dig for evidence, and sure enough, there is the Hessian cloth clearly marked with the logo of Abram Romanovic Surplus Export. What are the chances being of that, we are laughing to ourselves!

Lee Burrow is sending me the team sheet for tomorrows team against FC Bus Town. He said one of the subs is a real nutter

Newman
Oldham
Hayter
Rand
Terry
Hicks
New
Handel
Bingo
Bango
Bongo

Robert
Carlyle
Hamish
Macbeth
Begbie

Well darn it all! I'm just back from a l'il vacation with my sweet Marie down in Amarillo (bless huh, she always waits for me) and she was telling me about a l'il situayyyyshun that's arisen down there. Apparently there's been a dispute between a local strip bar and a prominent public resident, Jonias Newbsome. The latter's a keen public servant, but it transpires that in recent times old Jonias has bin stealin' away from office to visit this here place for what appears to be more than just viewin' the shows!

Marie tells me that Jonias has "scored" 4 times in just 7 visits down there since the start of 2005, which seems a damn high ratio to me, even if someone of his reputation and manliness may well have figured in scorin' a whole helluva lot more than that!

Anyhoo, to cut a story short, such has bin the outrage that this aforementioned club has been shut down and the proprietors banned from ever hostin' again. Marie also tells me a funny thing's happened though. A new bar has been opened in the main town, which purports to cater for all types. There's high stakes gamin' for the local rich gals, there's a salsa and rhythm band to keep thuh folks entertained and the insiders also believe thuh to be a back room area where the old shady dealin' can continue.

So next time yer down Amarillo way, check out this BiongoBangoBongo place - like the original it's clearly cheap and nasty, and full of heretical folks. Yes sirree bob, ain't that the truth!

I am still thinking up the smart new ideas for FC Berry to raise some cash. I hear that both of my ideas from last week have been taken up already! I have the new initiative which the club would do well to take up. It’s simple, yet brilliant, and it goes like this…….

Form an elite club of supporters. Limit it to a round number, say a hundred, then sneak in a few more when nobody's looking. Hold a meeting, give them all a free sausage roll and a pint, then ask them for regular money. Come on FC Berry, it doesn’t take a genius to come up with stuff like this!

Lee Burrow is sending me the team names for Saturday’s game at Giggland which apparently is against FC Turkey Twizzlers. What has happened to Mr Short who has been goalkeeper for the last few weeks?

Lee says young Mister Casper is, how you say, welding the big rod. He should take Arne’s advice and wear leather gauntlets, overalls and a big mask

Biggar
Dedmen
Walken
Charles
Kennedy
Gordon
Chisholm
Graham
Souness
Michael
McCarthy


Last
Chance
Forssom
Senior
Player

Hot DAMN! Anna has sent us her Calendar for 2006, which is to be released in the near future. She's hotter than a grizzly chasin' a pesky varmint down a panhandle road, yes sirree! It should be illegal but thank heavens to betsy it ain't.

Arne ol' son, you got Del here thinkin'. Carly Simon huh? Well along similar lines, it's a li'l known fact that her compatriot Carole King lives in a ranch not far from the ole Starbuck property. She has recently opened a Spanish diner in town too. Damn fine. So anytime you're headin' down Texas way, why not stop in at Carole King's Tapas Tree grillhouse. Yes sirree bob!

Happy New Year to all FC Berry fans!

I am having the think over Christmas as to how FC Berry can make some extra cash. I’ve come up with 2 very good ideas

Firstly, the pitch is only used once a fortnight. Why not rent it out to some local community team! There must be some bunch of subterranean league suckers who’ll pay big money to play pub football at Giggland. Get your marketing people on the casings Mister Millsy!

And secondly, sell that boy Walesby to a higher league club. If anybody offers more than a hundred grand, bite their handles off, as you crazy Brits like to say. That should keep the fans quiet for a while

Lee Burrow is sending me this team sheet for the big match on Saturday against FC Carly Simon, who apparently now lives near Scotland. I used to like her. Didn’t she marry someone famous? And what was her big hit, you know the one where she’s having a dig at one of the early 70s Laurel Canyon mob??

Short
Graham
Nash
Carroll
King
Jackson
Brown
James
Taylor
Carr
Lee

Simon
Urso
Veyne
Warren
Beattie